Can you forgive and forget?

I hope it has helped you chicken to give vent to your feelings. It is hard to forgive and forget, especially when our feelings have been wounded, but I hope as time passes the rawness eases, and that the feud can be sorted out, because going over and over things in our minds eats away at us and can lead to all sorts of stress. Take care, and perhaps you can be the one to offer an olive branch. ?

I'm so sorry to hear about the stress of the situation for you. It seems these days that standing up for what is right is generally frowned on - I think we're all supposed to just shut up and let things play out . ( Not something I am any good at all :-) )

I think my Gran had it right when she said - always forgive - never forget .

Hope it helped you to be able to share your thoughts here.

Sorry to hear of your troubles chicken. Families eh? I have learnt to let a lot if things go over my head as I get older and just not pay any heed to certain types of comment. I tell myself life is too short for unhappiness. When my mind starts to engage with the replay button I switch it off and turn my attention to more pleasant thing to focus on . Past holidays or plans for the garden, upcoming days out etc. It doesn't always work but it does help. We can't change how other people think, they are missing out on your good company though. Look after yourself

Sounds like Granny2 isn’t going to let you forget it.

However, when it’s close family it’s so hard, I think you have to give it time, maybe baby steps will help with the healing and heated feelings will calm down.

Tell Granny2 to stop telling tales, you don’t need her input, stop listening to her.

Meanwhile I’m with marthajolly do things that you enjoy, each time you can take your mind off of the problem, it will be easier to forgive and hopefully forget.

I find it very hard to forget so although I hope I forgive I really don't know if I do. I try not to bear grudges but again, once upset, do we ever really forgive.

I have buried the hatchet with a family member for everyone’s sake but I’ve never forgiven them nor will I forget. If an apology or olive branch is offered then I’m more likely to forgive.

This is an area that always concerns me for I was brought up in the Christian belief that this is a must.......or at least the forgiving part.
I feel sorry for the predicament that has brought you such hurt Chicken,of course I cannot give words of wisdom spoken with conviction.... when I find I struggle over many areas of hurt in my life.
My own birth family have left me down badly from my birth.......a long and extremely painful story.
My first husband gambled and lost us our home and possessions prior to leaving me.There is quite a list.
To some degree I suppose in the passage of time I have forgotten, since it does not constantly sit on my shoulder or enter every thought.But believe me it does not take much to bring all those hurts flooding back, and they are as painful as ever they were.
Forgetting is nigh impossible I find.
Forgiving?No deep down the hurt has caused far too much damage.I cannot forgive.
This upsets me because it goes against my Christian teaching.

However I sincerely hope you can continue living your life without this causing you to change or allowing it to totally ruin what you have.Talking is cathartic,and hopefully sharing here will have relieved you of some of the burden.

Chicken, I can but sincerely wish you peace of mind.

if its a family arguement I would stay out of it,people are allowed to disagree and they usually get over it ..even if it takes time.No point in putting yourself in the firing line .

Theres rarely anything that I couldn't forgive ,in fact only one thing in my life.Our business was burnt down by a so called friend 30 odd years ago,he made threatening calls in the middle of the night for months saying our home would be next.
The police had a device on our phone to track him but he never stayed on the line long enough to be caught .My OH had a nervous breakdown because of the stress.My daughter and I lived in fear ..she was only 7 .
Although we had our suspicions that it was him the police didn't believe us ..until a witness came forward to say he saw him set fire to another business in the town.He confessed BUT he got off with it because of diminished responsibility .....I couldn't forgive him.
I didn't set eyes on him until last year when I couldn't even stay in the same room as him it upset me so much
.He died at Chrisamas time ...I still couldn't forgive him and seeing all the tributes about what a wonderful man he was in the local paper and online made my blood boil .He was far from wonderful or even decent as far as I was concerned
.A FAMILY issue is far more easily sorted.Dont let it ruin your life ,deal with it today before its too late .We only get one family be kind to each other for as long as you have together .

It is hard to forgive a person if they do not apologise for hurtful things they had said. For me it always seems easier to forgive if a person says they are sorry. In the past I have found some things impossible to forgive or forget like when my ex h cheated on me. However my memory is so bad now a days I probably do forget smaller issues without even trying. Try to focus on the future and get up each morning thinking you are going to enjoy the day.

what mother wouldn't stand up for her own child?
I do sympathise chicken, the things that I have rehearsed in my head in the middle of the night to say to people who richly deserve it for the way they have behaved - and still behave.
However, so far I have managed to say nothing except for once challenging downright lies.

I hope matters will be resolved without you having to apologise or grovel and that they will eventually think things through and perhaps see that you were right to say what you did.

This is so difficult , I have similar in my life . 17 months ago I learned my sisters , nephews and nieces were in a chat room discussing my daughter who was in hospital, her house needed cleaning and other things. I sent a message telling them to leave her her dignity and to sod off out of that room. They haven't spoken to me since, not even when my beloved daughter died last November . I can forgive them for leaving me to cope alone with the grief and shock but I cannot apologise for telling them to stop that awful gossiping chat room. My three sisters live in the same town as me , difficult .

Oh, Anniebach, that is terrible. I'm so sorry. There are things that just can't be forgiven, but the resulting loneliness is hard to bear.

Annie, that is sad, and your family should have apologised. It doesn't always work out like that though, does it?

Ex husband caused me untold grief and inflicted pain and there have been many nights when alone I have wallowed and cried and wondered why on earth he treated me as he did. However, he is the children's father and I never stopped him from seeing them. Time heals to a certain extent and I have moved on, to happier circumstances. I tell myself I have forgiven and I forget because it makes life easier when we gather for family occasions and he is there. I am civil and polite, and I even find myself wishing him no ill. Deep down inside though I was ripped to shreds by his behaviour. I am not sure we ever fully heal, but I try not to think too much about it.

My mother would have told me "It's water under the bridge" and to be honest, I have spent too much time in the past dwelling on the hurt and pain he caused. Now I experience a much happier life and I try not to let the past spoil what I have today.

OP, I hope your situation eases and with time things start to heal. I know how such hurt can colour your whole life.

chicken, if you can , try not to dwell on it, not easy I know, can you try telling granny 2 you don't want to speak or hear of any thing she claims as been said. And , could you forgive yourself if you apologise for doing what you thought was right , I think not. We have to be true to ourselves , I defended my daughter, you defended someone in your family who was being treated very badly , I would do the same again and I think you would too.

Forgiveness requires that the person who has offended, the one who is in the wrong, is sorry for their actions. Forget means it's no longer in your mind. The second happens far more frequently than the first. That is okay.

I’m so sorry you have this turmoil in you relationships, the reason you can’t forget is because you were so wounded and your mind is protecting you from further hurt. You can forgive someone a wrong but as we know from conflict survivors of war situations we should never forget. I have a coping strategy, distance yourself from the perpetrators until it passes find something to do, sudoku, crossword, garden, walk till these hurtful thoughts have past. Your obviously a kind caring person and need people who are nicer around you. Let good karma be your friend.

Mr.Lawrence has forgiven the thugs who killed his son.
I cannot forgive the person who killed my son.

I've been very struck by Neville Lawrence saying he forgives his son Stephen's killers. This made me conscious of the grievances I harbour against others who I feel have slighted me - all of which are very trivial when I think about it. I am going to try to be more forgiving myself because I feel that it does no one any good to dwell on what, in my case, are not exactly of any import in the great scheme of things! For me it is a case of SUMO - shut up, move on!

I can forgive but I will never forget, it's not in my nature. There are more important things in life than worrying about other people's hurtful comments. Remember you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.

I totally understand where you are coming from
I had a major falling out with some family .. I am one of those people who if I get a lot of “push back “ let’s say
I won’t go back for more of the same treatment ... self preservation ... however time can make things less raw or even “not as important as it once seemed “ ... especially when life takes a turn ...a family member had to have surgery and it built a bridge .. also unfortunately and this is very hard to say ( welling up now thinking about it )
a family member died .. and it was devastating .. and a very big reminder that life is so fragile .. we all take each other for granted and we are a long time dead .. so if you can bring some sort of “healing “ to your heart ... then go for it ... I hope this can help a little at least ... ( I am very stubborn I promise you but we don’t know what’s around the corner as most of us know anyway ) ... take care ... don’t be hard on yourself .. you are only human .. just try to see the pros and cons of not be able to heal your heart from from harsh words said and actions that have hurt you ...

I think the Lawrence’s have been greatly aided by the mass compassion and support. Acknowledgment of the wrong is very important. Be strong. You know what’s right.

You can't force yourself to forgive and forget. You have to try not to dwell on it though. That is easier said that done but when thought come into your mind try to tell yourself that you are not going to think about that now and distract yourself.
I think you should ask yourself what Granny2's motive was in telling you about your GD.
I don't think we now enough details to really give a view. 'Badmouthing' is a very general term and there could be so many different scenarios. Your GD could have heard something negative about you that she has believed. You could ask your GD. Maybe email her saying 'I have been told that you are saying unpleasant things about me and OH which have upset me. I hope this isn't true as you know that we have always tried to support you to the extent of sometimes overstretching ourselves financially. We have been happy to do this and wish nothing for the best for us but it would put our mind at rest if you could reassure us that this is a misunderstanding.'
Obviously whether this would work will depend on the personalities involved but it is not fair to be upset with someone on second hand information.
I used to think that it would be lovely to have a big family but I think that now I am retired, I am quite glad that I don't.

My breakdown was with sisters and initially over money after my mothers death and publication of her Will with me as Executor...
What has got me over the huge hurt has been eventually to really cool your relationship ... take a step back ... stop fighting back ... be much more guarded in what you do / say .... don't break the relationship ... over time you may find it really doesn't matter after all .... but I haven't forgotten and the relationship has never recovered or been the same nor will it ever be ... we are civil to each other at weddings and funerals and occasionally have a laugh together ... we send cards at birthdays and Christmas ...
I would go to their funerals but doubt they would come to mine ...
And over the years I have found that i genuinely don't care at all ... let them get on with it...

Contrary to popular folklore, myth and legend, there is no absolute rule which states that you have to get on with all of your family. Nice if you can, but sometimes, frankly, there are those who simply aren't worth the effort, and who, if you let them, will drag you down. The trick is early identification of those in that category, and then to waste no more of your valuable time (and sometimes even resources) on them. This may sound harsh, but it makes life much simpler and less stressful. As the old saying goes... you can choose your friends. Concentrate your efforts on them. Avoid lost causes...