Can you forgive and forget?

Well you know it is not that hard at all to forgive and forget. The main issue is what you want and get as a result.
I have forgiven behaviour towards myself that others may never forgive because in the end it was worth it. The ends justified the means. When people say I could never forgive that I ask them why not. What have you got to lose if you do and what have you to gain.
Simple Psychology. The other party may have wronged you but that is life.
Joseph
Clinical Psychotherapist

I'm with you, chicken. I find forgiving and forgetting very hard and also replay scenes in my head. Fortunately, the upsetting incident has rarely been within the family. I can imagine how painful that is for you.

I just hope you find a way to cope.

I suppose forgiving is such a nice patient think to do. It shows tolerance, inner peace and belief in human nature. Unfortunately I’m just not that nice!!
My mum wasn’t very nice. Especially to my DD and it has impacted on how my DD sees herself. For that I find the forgiveness impossible. But Mum has been gone 13 years now and it should be possible to forgive and forget. And when I’m in a calm frame of mind I believe her mental health issues were the basis of her nastiness. But I’m also quite sure if she was here today nothing would be different.
So it’s not fine, I’ve not forgotten. No mum should treat her daughter and GC that way. But I feel, for my own peace of mind, I have to let the emotions of it go. Otherwise I can never feel at peace.
Sometimes family know they have done wrong, have behaved badly. But they just don’t know how to move forward. So **chicken you may need to be the one who makes the first move. But no apology! You haven’t done anything wrong. Act normal and don’t give them the space to be difficult.
Good luck x

There are three types of family - one that manages to be pleasant to each other most of the time and at least civil the rest of the time. One that has fallouts and not-speakings that last for years or even complete feuds with "sides". And another that is outspoken, has rows, but a few days later it's forgotten and blown over. I guess it's pot luck which type we are each born into, but due to the fact that in most cultures not only the genetic factors behind the personalities get handed down, but those same people are also the ones raising the children with their example (a complicated way of saying parents bring up their children lol) so once a family is like a particular thing it runs and runs.

Chicken ....you don’t know for sure that Gran 2 has it right, and why would she tell you something so hurtful unless it was by way of gossip. Don’t listen to her. I have 6 sisters and brothers and we are all in our 50s and 60s now and we all live within 15 miles of each other. We’ve never fallen out because it’s sonehow unspoken that we bite our tongues and never rise to the bait of gossip. There has been room for offence to be taken (oh boy, has there!!) but somehow we’ve kept quiet and somehow avoided confrontation. My mum was a great peacemaker and we’ve kept it going since she died. Turn the other cheek, don’t listen to gossip, ask yourself when tempted to get involved “where can this go and is it worth it?”
There is a saying - keep your friends close and your enemies closer! I hope I don’t sound smug - it’s been touch and go a few times and there’s always a chance someone will mess up! Stay in touch with your grandaughter, tell her you love her, and don’t listen to gossip, because in the end that’s all it is. You don’t realise when you’re young how much other people do for you....I was the most annoying, most ungrateful person in my 20s and it’s only now looking back I cringe at the things I expected from my poor parents!

Like most people I have coped with the odd hurtful comment I've received over the years. However I can never forgive my sister for the very hurtful things she said in the months after my lovely daughter died , from cancer.
Her attitude over months was a mixture of ignoring me when I needed her to the final remark she made. Eight months after my daughters death she rang to say " Its time you pulled yourself together you should be over it now."
I cant tell you how hurtful that was. Since that day we have never spoken and I can never forgive her for the way she behaved. Now I'm trying to get on with my life and enjoy the company of a close few friends who have been wonderful.

Forgiveness may not be possible but is it possible to ask to have a conversation with your GD to try to understand her point of view? You may never agree but maybe open a door to say you are truly puzzled by her position and you seek to understand her views. Try to keep your hurt out of the conversation and I do know how really hard that is. The best that can happen is that you may have some understanding of what it is all about and the worst is that nothing changes. Good luck. ?

There is a French saying "To know all is to forgive all." People often act or react in certain ways for their own good reasons which we don't know anything about. It has helped me sometimes when I think of it. There is no way of knowing the ins and outs of any family you are only connected to by a marriage.

I can usually forgive most things, even if I don’t forget but I really can’t forgive if someone says something untrue about me.
A neighbour with whom we were very friendly (even going on holiday several times.) suddenly decided that we had offended. This wasn’t true. I was prepared to ignore it until I found out that she had told all the other neighbours.
It is really horrible to have to defend yourself against lies and that is what I can’t forgive. I can forget more easily now that she has moved away and I am not constantly reminded every time I see her.

One can forgive but rarely forget!

Very difficult one this. If you don't forget, have you forgiven? If you do forget and there's a repeat incident are you just plain foolish? I've had experience of this with one of my AC recently. Fact is the situation hit me with such disbelief and hurt that I think I became self indulgent in licking my wounds and therefore decidedly eroding the wonderful relationship we had had for all these years. C was a bit uncomfortable but it became the elephant whenever we met. I've had to take myself firmly in hand and try to suppress my angst. We have aired the issue but no redress has ever been suggested. I am left feeeling C is somewhat morally bereft and I find that desperately sad. Wer'e having a holiday together shortly and my heart sings at the prospect. And yet........ Mothers, eh? Well, this Mother anyway!

Sorry to hear that chicken

we had a long running dispute with DH's sister over something really trivial. Didn't require grovelling but after 10 years (yes, really!) with DD getting married I wrote and said it was about time we stopped being so silly. I got a nice letter in reply and when we all met (me, DH, SiL and BiL) it was almost like we hadn't seen each other for 10 weeks not 10 years!! Now back to even keel thankfully

Chicken .
DH's side of the family .with the rare!! exception, were a petty minded and very close knit family. They tolerated 'me' is the only word I can think of yet my children could/ can do no wrong . There is nothing more you can do concerning your situation and don't get drawn in any further 'who says this who has said that'.What is done is done.

micmc47 my sentiments exactly. Blood thicker than water to me is a load of tosh.

Wow
Whilst you might want to forgive I would ensure you never forget - what a bunch of nasty small minded individual to whom you sadly happen to be related! Do use your resources energy time and money on others who appreciate you and be happy - these relatives will just depress and drain you so if they've sent you to Coventry don't waste your breath on them - they are simply not worth it!

Those of us who are Christians have often doubted ourselves when it comes to forgiveness. I remind myself of two things that I find really helpful when faced with a situation that seems unforgivable. Firstly, that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. Nor does it depend on receiving an apology. Secondly, if you choose to forgive, stop using the word 'unforgivable' and say 'indefensible' instead. Then you no longer need to question yourself whether or not you have truly forgiven. So, in a nutshell, CHOOSE to forgive, but say "That's INDEFENSIBLE".

So sorry to hear of your predicament chicken.

I find it very hard to forgive and forget if someone has been unkind or downright nasty to me, especially when completely unwarranted. I have been in the the situation before when at night it goes over and over in your mind. You get so angry and can't sleep. What I have found helps is writing it down. Get all your thoughts down on paper (or computer), as if you are writing them a letter to tell them what you think of them/the situation and, even if you never send it (I never have), it's as if I've got it out of my head and put it somewhere else.

I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness myself. How do you actually know when you've forgiven someone? Does it mean when you no longer have any feelings about the event? Or is it good enough to just decide you don't want the perpetrator punished even though you might still have negative feelings about what happened?

Always sad in situations like this.

As others have said take a good hard look at who cares for you and who is actively hurting you and then take care of yourself.

I'd be asking some questions about what prompted people you have cared for to be so unwilling to give you some consideration. But that's just me.

However, I am reminded of a quote,I may miss quote it but I'll try to get it right.

"The Mind Repeats What the Heart Can't Delete".

I'm sure may of us can relate to this, painful memories that keep going round in our heads at times we wish we could shut our mind off.

Have the best possible day you can folks.

Dear chicken, sounds awful. Perhaps don’t listen to granny2 (are you granny1?) she may well have misinterpreted what was said or might be gossiping.

I try to forgive and forget but it can be difficult ... and thinking of various wars, I think that even countries have some difficulty in ‘forgiving and forgetting’!

I rather like what Penn and Teller (magicians extraordinaire) said .... ‘Never apologise and never explain’. Possibly easier said than done, I know. ?

Every situation is of course very different. Also when tempers are lost and harsh words are spoken it makes it even harder to forgive/forget.... however, not all of us can take a step back and think before we react. I personally would speak to your GD calmly and try to clear the air, and also let her know how hurt you feel, as your feelings are just as important as any one else’s. No one should apologise if they are not in the wrong, it should be, let’s agree to differ, if the relationship is important enough to continue. Altho I have been so lucky in life with my kids/grandkids I have not been lucky in love. I have divorced 2 husbands (12 years and 10 years) and left one long term partner (5 years). All 3 had not treated me well, yet all 3 begged me to give them another chance saying I had no forgiveness. I am a soft but strong person, however, once your love has been eroded, it’s gone and there was no going back. Do I forgive them ? I hardly give any of them a passing thought so I must have forgotten !

Your GD may not thank you, but you will always have the satisfaction of knowing that you enabled a young woman to have a university education that will make a big difference to her future prospects nd happiness.

Sorry to hear of your falling out - it happens a lot within families. As for being able to ‘forgive and forget” for me it depends on whats happened. Minor things that wind me up I can forgive but I never forget just the odd thing thats happened in my life that I just cannot forgive the hurt, stress etc goes too deep for forgiveness.

My answer to both questions would be yes and yes. Forgiveness is a choice. Forgetting takes time but eventually the 'bad thing' is not always on your mind. Sometimes things happen which drag it all up but then a choice can be made to send it all back where it belongs into the past. I wasted five years of my life not forgiving and actively going over and over and over the 'bad thing.' The only person it damaged was myself. As someone said earlier SUMO - shut up and move on. Definitely not easy but it is possible to do and I for one am so very glad that I did as I have reaped rewards beyond my wildest dreams for my act of forgiveness.

The hardest thing is to know when to forgive or just let it go, with family especially, but some things are too bad to ever make right again. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. We have just had to walk away from close family due to their behaviour so I understand about the playing it over and over in your head.