Welcome to the new Argy Bar and cafe, abandon hope all ye who enter here.?

I know it’s hot, but this shirking cannot go on! I had to clean the bar, the kitchen, the yard,and the loos, all by myself,or
‘On me tod’ as we say in Yorkshire ( did anyone know that tod was the old word for a fox?) Well, it is, and I am one foxy lady.
Not only the cleaning, but I have been behind the bar most of the day, pulling pints ( shame we had no customers today though) and am now rather bloated by all the beer, but thought I should stay hydrated.Just sayin’ ?

Ah but a tod is a dog fox! Have you been hiding more old dogs in the cellar Lemon? A few huntin’ and fishin’ types would make a change from the sea dogs ?. Chutney on the bar - might take away the taste of some of those old sandwiches.

It's the homemade apple chutney that gives them their unique flavour, it's a bit old though and is a bit vinegary, I found it my dear old mums cupboard when she moved.

? same sort of vintage as the sandwiches I would guess. Think I might lay a new bit of paving in the back and use the sandwiches as slabs and the chutney as cement. Better than trying to eat them that's for sure ?I haven't got many teeth left.

Oh c’mon Doodle you don’t have any !
Remember you had them taken out about five years ago?

Now, we have got fresh snacks in, yes! That’s right, fresh ones ( made with my own fair hands)
Different, but tasty......marmite and jam tarts, peanut butter pasties, kipper kedgeree ( in bite sized balls) bloater paste and banana sarnies and leek and lemon curd rock buns.
I have arranged them all on the bar, there should be enough to satisfy the hungriest customer, try and get 50p for each please.?

To pay for Doodles new teeth?

I might not have any teeth left but I can give them a good sucking! (the new bar food that is ?).

I am slightly worried, make that very worried, that your new menu appeals to me lemon, especially the bloated paste and banana sandwiches .... I think I may have become a fully paid up member of the Argy Bargy .. oh err missus ?

Keeping a sandwich down and a pint of poteen is the full initiation to the Argy, so I will make another bubbling batch for you Doodle but you are a great candidate!

Ooh meno I can't wait. I love a pint of poteen (? well I think I do, somehow my mind becomes blank when I try and remember anything after the first sip or two).

Sip? Sip? Poteen has to be gulped to appreciate its unique flavour, try again Doodle

The day old egg sandwiches are on the bar to see the poteen down btw

Mmmm lovely egg sarnies and a pint of poteen please. Anyone care to join me? ?

Not me thanks! Am thinking of my figure, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, dontcha know.
Am strictly on sparkling water tonight.
Now, ( whispers, and looks round the bar) keep it quiet, but my diet has something to do with the new man in my life!
Oh, he’s gorgeous, he came in on the Captain’s ship last week, and we have been an item ever since.
Tall ( about 5 ft 4) dark, and with a beard you could lose a badger in.He can’t speak any English as yet, and I can’t speak any Bulgarian, but we have the language of love
Bet you’re all envious of my good fortune?

Does he have a name or are you not sharing in case Marydoll finds out?

lemon you're not talking about able seaman Brock the Captain's cabin boy are you? You won't get far with him...spends most of his time adjusting his rigging ?

Nope, his name is Ivan and his surname something unpronounceable.His command of English ( very little) will hopefully not be a barrier, he will pop into the Argy later on to see ‘more bootiful laydeez’ as he calls them.So all wear your best outfits, I have told him about my attractive friends.
He may want a threesome!?

Ooh Ivan. I've not met him. Best outfits you say. Will my diamanté boob tube and sequinned hot pants do with my black leather thigh high boots I'm sur ego be a winner ?

Sorry I've not been about, We have the builders ?‍♀️?‍♀️?‍♀️?‍♀️?‍♀️?‍♀️?‍♀️?‍♀️?‍♀️ in.?. I've been a little bit busy. ? in fact, I'm exhausted trying to keep them all happy. They are all fighting over me.
Did I hear that there was a new man ??? in the Argy???.
I'll be back, I'm off to put on my fur coat, so that he will feel at home.

Give someone else a chance Mary, you have just worked your way through the builders and you are still,eyeing up Roger the cabin boy.

Ivan was a bit disappointed that so few laydeez were in the Argy today for him to ogle.Never mind, I told him that you all suffer from the heat and have to lie on your beds wearing very little.....he seemed to like that idea.
Am here for a quick pint of sloe gin, fling some ice cubes in with it Meno there’s a dear, am dying of thirst here.
My new bra is killing me btw, it’s a push up padded balcony
And it’s making my eyes water it’s so tight.I may have to take it off, along with the new thong ( can’t sit down!) and the new shoes ( killer heels) well, they are killing me anyway.
Cheers! ?????

?Boing, boing! There she goes again. lemon's boobs hitting the floor. You could have waited releasing them till you got home lemon ? Don't know about a padded balcony, yours is big enough for a scene from Romeo and Juliet.
And as for the thong, just string it up between these two posts and we can use it for a hammock ??

Sorry! Didn’t realise my boobs were so noisy ah, but the relief now that bra is off and I am as nature intended.
Yes, you can have the thing as well, I won’t be trying those things again in a hurry.
I thought Ivan may like sexy undies, but no man is worth that sort of pain.
Who’s locking up tonight, I am off to buy some fish ‘n’ chips
As I couldn’t eat earlier on due to the constriction, it was like wearing a ruddy python with a crush on me.

Did someone mention builders?

I'm told they specialise in balcony construction