Just back from humanist funeral

My Sister had been to a couple of these and said how good they were and stated that was what she wanted when the time came (She had been suffering from cancer for 10 years), so hers was the first one I had been to and it was so good, with many laughs and songs of her choice. I decided then that I wanted one also and have put it in a letter I tend to leave for my children. I don't want my close ones to feel sad, I want them to be happy that I had been blessed with children and grandchildren that had made me so happy and proud.

1975 I chose hymns, readings etc for my husbands funeral. Last year the same for my daughters funeral and wrote what I wished the priest to say about my daughter, he had only been here a few weeks, and two priests were were also family friends also took part in the service, they added their tributes to my darling child. Those in the church laughed and cried. At the cremation after the Church one of our priest friend's took the service and as we had hymns in the church service we chose two songs to be played, "She" and "12th of Never"

At my Mums funeral last year we had a humanist celebrant recommended by the funeral director, she was lovely and wrote down everything we all said and then emailed her finished “speech”, we altered bits she hadn’t quite interpreted correctly and sent it back, it went back and forth several times until we were completely happy. We didn’t have any hymns or prayers and it was perfect. My Dad wants the same so I hope we can get the same celebrant all though I am sure it will be a while before her services are needed.

My nephew and fiance had a humanist wedding. It was beautiful and great fun.

Thankfully my experience is limited but I'm learning from this post that my concept is wrong. Unfortunately those ceremonies I've attended have never had any music other than an entry and departure short piece. Now the people in question were real fun full on personalities in their lives and the services, to me, were decidedly dry and unrepresentative. I am surprised but relieved to hear how wrong I am but still hope I don't have to attend many more in the near future. I'm losing far too many friends of late.

We chose a humanist funeral for my Mum 8 years ago.

The guy came round and chatted to us all and took notes about my Mum, what she liked etc and her personality.

I kept asking for a copy of his ‘speech’ and was told he would email it.

He didn’t. On the day he got everything wrong which upset us a great deal. It was like he had mixed my Mum up with someone else.

We stood with horrified looks on our faces as he spoke in the crematorium.

I so wish I’d had the nerve to stand up and tell him to stop and continued things on my own. My daughter was mortified as she had been Mums main carer before she passed away and her name wasn’t even mentioned. She’d carried in the coffin with the pall bearers from the funeral directors as none of my mums 5 sons felt able.

What I found out after is that you CAN hold a funeral without a minister or vicar or humanist.. you can do this yourself.

When it came to burying Mums ashes at the cemetery so she could be with Dad again, we did it ourselves.

My daughter wrote a beautiful poem and she and I said our own words. It was more personal and suited us a lot better.

I know what I’ll be having when my time comes...

I have been to two humanist funerals, both were badly planned with no-one knowing what they were meant to say or do or when.
Especially the one for a very dear friend was toe-curlingly embarrassing.
Give me a religious ceremony any day of the week. Most parsons and priests take the time to find something out about the person they are burying if he or she was not a regular attender at their church, and they have centuries of tradition to fall back on.
I have told my nearest and dearest that I want a full requiem mass when the time comes, and I can assure you if DH dies before I do, that is what he will have too.

The best funeral I ever went to was for a neighbour. We entered the church to the strains of “Somewhere over the rainbow “ and left with “Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye”. She’d had a long and happy life and the music was her choice. We all had a smile on our face as we left.

I have been to two. ...Both wonderful celebrations of the lives of two people

One of the most memorable funerals I attended was for a lovely Swedish lady who died in her late eighties after spending most of her life in the UK. It took place in a beautiful hillside burial ground on the outskirts of the small town where she'd lived on a lovely sunny day.

Her family arranged the secular ceremony which was conducted by one of her sons who played a guitar. Everyone dressed in bright cheerful colours. She was brought in by her family in a wicker coffin and laid to rest, then all her great grandchildren threw on special wild flowers whilst the extended family of about thirty people sang a Swedish folk song.

At the end of the ceremony all of the family and friends released blue and yellow helium balloons which drifted up into the sky in the general direction of Sweden.

I've been to two, one more successful than the other - my DH's aunt was disastrous and no attempt to show that the deceased was important, but a member of my choir last week had a charming celebration. She'd lost her DH and was diagnosed with breast cancer, passing quite suddenly in rhe end. She liked animals more than humans and had planned her funeral to include dogs and horses, both of which were an important part of the service. The celebrant was the same one who'd done her husband's celebration and all were welcome - hugs, music from the choir, a lovely photo of the deceased with an owl, non-traditional music. A request - no black and no flowers except for a few brought up by the closest family - donations to RSPCA. For me I'm planning a pagan celebration with only wild flowers, green interment, lots of bright happy music jazzy music etc, no black.

I think it seems to come down to the quality of the celebrant, religious or secular. I have been to some dire church funerals - in one the vicar had to lean over the grave to look at the coffin in order to know whether to say "Dear departed brother or sister!!!.

AS I said upthread I have had one mediocre service for Mum, and one for Dad that was perfect. The celbrant cinsulted us every inch of the way when it came to her speech and to the total content.

Thankyou MissAdventure.

A friend of mine died in November and her funeral was humanist. It was a celebration of her life, and the lady who conducted it spoke as if she had known her personally, it was very beautiful to hear such a lot of things about my friend that i had never heard before. Her family had put together a video of photographs of her from a child to an elderly lady and it was shown while some of her favourite songs were played. Everyone came out of the crematorium with a smile on their faces, even her close family. She was a lovely lady, and every time i think of her i have a little smile because of the service.

Ive neen to one humanist funeral.and I was very impressed. It was thoughtful.with appropriate readings & (secular) music but i did rather muds singing hymns. Im sorry 'chocolate' but the bit that impressed me most was when she said there wpuld be a m9ment of dilence to think of the deceased and that ww might like to pray if we were believers. It seemed to me to be very tolerant and inclusive and i was astonished and pleased that this was said in a non religious service.

Sorry about typos - difficult writing on a phone in a moving car! (Dh driving!)

My son had a humanist funeral and I have been to one other. We are humanist. My sons funeral was a celebration of his life and two of his friends stood up and spoke about him which was lovely. The chapel in the crem is quite small but there was so many people standing at the back of the chapel I really didn’t know he had so many friends.

Some of you may be interested in a funeral " in the manner of Quakers" which you may come across if the deceased had Quaker connections. As is usual, Friends and non Friends will be invited to sit in a circle and observe a short time of silence. After that, maybe a close relative may deliver a short eulogy by previous arrangement. After that anyone who knew the deceased may speak briefly and jokes are fine. Between speaking ( known as ministry) a short silence should be observed to reflect on what has been said. The event ends when a presiding Friend shakes hands with person before her and this passes round the whole meeting.
Afterwards in a separate room there will be refreshments and time to talk to one another and renew acquaintances in many cases.

Some Friends like their ashes to be scattered in the garden of the Meeting House. Very occasionally, there is an interment , but most Quaker burial grounds have long been full up. Only the plainest of stones are erected as all are equal in death.

The vicar doing my dad's funeral referred to my bil as his son.... he'd never met him. I was very angry but too upset to complain!!!
I find Catholic funerals too much, but I'm an atheist. I'll be donating myself to the school of surgeons. No official funeral necessary (providing they need me).

When DH died the Funeral Director (long established local family firm) asked me what sort of service I wanted, religious, humanist or a mixture of both. I opted for a mixture of humanist & religious. Celebrant came to talk to me (we had only lived in the area for 14 months & DH was in Hospital/Nursing Home for 4 of those months. The Service at the Crematorium was just right, Eulogy was read out by Celebrant as DH's best friend had written it but could not read it out (they had been friends for over 60 years), coffin moved behind the curtains to one of DH's favourite Roy Orbison songs.

Everyone agreed it was a lovely Service, I was so pleased & felt it was the right choice for us.

I have been really interested to read these posts about funeral ceremonies as I was a Humanist celebrant for many years, having trained with the British Humanist Association. I loved being a celebrant. It was truly a privilege. Spending several hours with bereaved families, sharing tears and smiles as memories emerge, stories of happy times as well as sad ones. So often, as I prepared to leave, I would be told how much the opportunity to remember and share stories had helped, stories that children hadn’t known about their parents younger lives - how they met and fell in love - the early years.
At home the hard work would begin, writing the ceremony, which can take days, finding words and poetry, trying to capture and reflect a true picture of the person who has died, hopefully prompting some smiles to release tensions.
As a BHA celebrant I always emailed or delivered a copy of the proposed script beforehand to ensure it was ‘right’. Although Humanist ceremonies are ceremonies without religion, time is always included for private prayer. I’m retired now, but the lives of so many people will always be a part of my memories.

Been to a few Humanist funerals and didn't like them. I felt the same about naming days instead of Christenings. I do like hymns and readings plus information about the deceased person's life. I do agree it depends on the person conducting the service.

I arranged a humanist funeral for my DH as he didn't have a faith. It was certainly meaningful for me and I hope for those who attended. You arrange it to suit the individual.

My aunt's funeral was one I'll never forget. She lived alone but had friends and relatives who visited and her cousin who lived nearby helped to look after her after she became I'll. Most of us lived away but visited her at the hospice where she died. My aunt had been a legal secretary who had more or less run a country law practice in her working life and she had given very specific instructions for her funeral to her cousin.
We're not a huge family but about 16 of us drove down to the crematorium. We'd been told no flowers but some of us had taken small sprays. We followed the coffin into a small churchlike building and stood for about 3 or 4 mins while some music played in background. (Sounded like music you might hear in a lift) This gentleman then went to the front and we all expected he was going to talk about my aunt. He stood for moment a and then pointed to the back of the "church" where the door had been opened and motioned us to leave. We were all stunned and my aunt's cousin was beside herself as she had had to organise this with instructions not to tell anyone beforehand. My aunt had also said there were to be no refreshments afterwards. This her cousin had disobeyed thankfully and we all met up in a local hostelry for some sandwiches. When I was younger I had always held my aunt up as a model of an independent woman and had enjoyed many visits to her house where she would regale me with tales of her life until the early hours of the morning. That funeral though seems to cloud my thoughts of her now, we were all distressed that she wanted it that way. I felt happier after the funerals of my parents who I loved dearly.

I have been to quite a few funerals, some humanist, some what I would describe as "pseudo-religious" i.e. crematorium services for people who never went to church and where the poor duty vicar had to say something about the deceased person he had never met, and religious ceremonies for people who were believers. I have found the latter have been the most inspiring funerals; carefully chosen hymns, a good eulogy with a touch of humour and the church "family" there to give their fellow member a good send-off. I would agree though that the quality of the funeral does rather depend on the celebrant. The best funeral I have been to was that of a Salvation Army Officer, but then I have a weakness for brass bands! Humanist funerals with no music seem to lack something in my opinion. I think it is very wrong of people to lay down rules for their own funerals - after all they are really for the people left behind. Having said that, I like to pass the hours of the night when I can't sleep thinking what hymns I would like sung at my funeral. Does anyone else do this? Our Vicar has a list of unsuitable hymns, one of which "Colours of day" probably might not be ideal for a crem. committal (chorus starts "come light up the fire, let the flame burn"!