Have you ever been bullied as an adult?

Sounds as if you handled it very well, Nonnie. Don't want to sound rude about your DH but I do wish he'd supported you! You were setting a good example for your grandchildren as well.

Pity you couldn't have told him you 'identify' as black but that would've been pushing things too far!

AmMaz, v. good point. People who aren't familiar with our culture can't be expected to learn what's acceptable here if brave people like Nonnie don't speak up.

Sorry to read of other people's horrible experiences, but must admit I'm relieved to know I'm not alone when it comes to shaking & getting really upset. Usually I cover it pretty well & put on a brave show (sometimes too brave) at the time, but inside I'm in bits & shake like a leaf when I get home!

haporthrosie we are giving away our personal power when we don't speak up and assert our cultural norms- and hence we feel afraid and quiver (body reaction). We must not give the impression we are bullyable - the meaning assumed by many other cultures when we are silent (tho the meaning for us is politeness and giving benefit of the doubt). By that point in the process we are on some level indeed feeling bullied and become even more fearful. The antidote is speak up next time!

I would have agreed with his assertion re being an arrogant white woman and added that I was evidently talking to an arrogant black man who had no idea of English manners.
I've never heard (or heard of) a white person waving the race card but those who do obviously feel inferior and, to be bullish and cite race is their default setting. I'd smile, but then I'm a white Englishwoman who has no intention of being bullied by anyone of any persuasion or race. I have no chip on my shoulder.

But GabriellaG as far as I am aware he was English so any such comment from me would be deemed to be racist. It never occurred to me that he might be from another country.

I would have used the 'race card' if security had been called because he was being offensive because I am white.
I was once on the receiving end when following a woman up the escalator at an airport when she stopped at the top with the 2 huge suitcases she couldn't manage, blocking the way. I asked her to move and she wouldn't, the couple of men before me had pushed past her but my concern was that there would be a pileup. I said something about all the people behind me and she shouted that she could't give a f about them. After we got past she shouted that it was because she was black, no it was because she was blocking the way! We saw her go off and talk to someone in authority but we simply carried on with our journey. I did feel threatened by what she said though as I had no witnesses and she could have said whatever she liked. Btw, there was a perfectly good lift she could have used!

Two of my grandkids live in the USA with my son and his wife. My DGS is now eleven and each time we visit, once or twice a year, I find myself at a loss how to communicate with him. He loves his iPhone, iPad and computer, is a great reader and a lovely child. He enjoys the scouts and the outdoor life generally. Things are much easier with my DGD, as we have lots in common. Any ideas on how we can find some common ground?

Nonnie I think you were brave to stand your ground. There is no excuse for bullying or rudeness and I think your request certainly didn't merit such treatment.

I'm glad that you picked Gabriella up on her statement re "English manners". As you say, being black does not preclude a person from being English/British or having good manners and I think that sort of statement perhaps explains why some black people see racism where none is felt or intended (though Iwould point out that they probably do encounter quite a bit of subtle racism that is very much intended).

In this particular case, the man sounded a bit unhinged so it was courageous of you to respond to him.

Eloethan I don't think he was 'unhinged' he just seemed to think he was right and that because he was black he had the authority to tell me what to do. It wasn't a rant, he didn't raise his voice, he just spoke to me in a manner which made me think he was used to telling people what to do and not used to anyone challenging him. I am glad I did though. Hopefully he will think twice before speaking to anyone like that again but I doubt it, such arrogance is usually associated with people who don't accept they are wrong.

MaryBee I don't think you will get much help on this thread because it's not about the subject being discussed. Try posting on the Ask A Gran board here - Ask A Gran

I've just realised that although I'm in the habit of standing up for myself or speaking out, often I don't like it if my DH does it. Despite the fact such incidents are few and far between, I get nervous that a situation could suddenly turn into one of those tragic occurrences we read or hear about in the media.

I agree Wilma. My husband very rarely tolerates rude behaviour and it often scares me when he stands up to rudeness. You're right, it can be dangerous. But I suppose we shouldn't let bullies get the upper hand.

Well done for standing your ground. I can never think of anything to say until hours after any incident.

One thing I would say is that when I was married to my 18 stone, 6 foot 8 inch husband I rarely encountered bullying. Since my divorce many years ago people do try it on because I am perceived as weak as a woman on my own. Sometimes I can deal with it and sometimes I crumble. It always annoys me.

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Unfortunately my DH is only 5'6"!

Gabriellea sorry, I don't understand. Who are the 'they'?

You were quite right to stand up to this dreadfully arrogant man. Your grandchildren will remember this and that you refused to be bullied. That's being powerful.

Marybee I understand what you mean. One doesn't have to be a different colour to be able to communicate with someone from another country . I too have young family in the U.S and our colour may be the same but as for understanding each others ways, views etc I may as well have come from Mars.I wish you luck but be yourself.

Nonnie I would do exactly what you did and my husband (wimp) would have done what yours did! I was bullied at work but took it further and it actually fell in my favour. Last year I was listening to some foolish man talking loudly about how LGBT people should not be "allowed to walk the streets/have children/get married etc" Sorry to say I lost it and much to my husband's dismay told him exactly what I thought of his narrow minded bigoted comments and actually people like him shouldn't be allowed out in public!! My oh was mortified and was desperately trying to drag me away. Can't stand bullies and probably one day this little old lady will get a punch on the nose but I will still stand up for what's right so you go girl

Janeainsworth; Exactly the same happened the day of exchange, my agent phoned and said the buyer had said he'd had to drop £5k off his sale so could I do same? This buyer was a Quantity Surveyor, and I knew he knew all the tricks in the book. He and his young wife each had very new fast cars with personalised number plates. I just said to my agent, "Tell him to sell one of his cars". The sale went through at our price and my agent said to me after that he was obliged to pass on the message but was pleased I had held my ground.

Hi Nonnie, You were brave. It must have been awful. I don't honestly know what I would have done if I were on the spot but when I read your description he comes across as potentially aggressive and I would probably have taken the children away. Knowing me I would probably have unwisely said to the children so he could hear something like, "Oh dear, we've met the only very rude and ignorant man here, let's get away from him".

I always stand up to bullies....when that man said being black gave him power, I would have said that no it doesn't but he obviously thinks it allows him to be rude and obnoxious and that others of his race would probably find his attitude very poor.

I would’ve stood up to him.... 45 years of contentious marriage has taught me that!!

Well Done Nonnie. You have found the courage to speak up where many of us have allowed ourselves to be bullied.
What a horrible man.

kwest and others. I hope that my stance against this bully will fire others up to do the same when they find themselves in a bullying situation.

I think that, because of recent horrific events, I now see so many things in clear black and white and act accordingly. My life has changed forever and I have no time for anyone or anything which I believe to be wrong. Sounds hard, not meant that way and I wouldn't hurt anyone but I have certainly removed some people from my life.

I was bullied at School as I was very quiet until one day when a group of us were playing rounders at break, I was bowling, the class bully decided that she was going to bowl, she tried to grab the ball from my hand, without even thinking I slapped her hard, she was so shocked that she didn't retaliate. Result, no more bullying.

At work we had a "lady" who was well known for "pushing her weight around", she made a remark to me (I was Trade Union Rep) about using a Typist which I was entitled to do, I gave her a withering look & walked away without responding. She later came to me & apologised, "she said that look could kill").

Nonnie I too would have stood my ground, probably quaking inside but for him to pull the race card, totally unacceptable. Bet you needed a or two afterwards

I've always been a quiet little person and have certainly attracted more than my fair share of bullies as a child and as an adult. I think I'd be better at sticking up for myself now but thankfully haven't really needed to. Sometimes no more than a harsh 'death stare' is all that's required.
Some people really like to throw their weight around don't they?