Dilemma

I personally would have gone for nursing care over shabbiness. It is so difficult to find decent care that I personally would overlook the odd area that needs a coat of paint. I would have agreed immediately.

I would have done as you did. The nursing care is the most important; if the home proves inadequate you may move him elsewhere. His son has agreed with you, his daughters were unavailable, abusive texts achieve nothing and blocking access is silly, and dangerous.
I would also halt the proceedings concerning power of attorney immediately until you are able to have a rational face to face conversation and discuss exactly what their objections are.

I would have certainly accepted the place you are his next of kin and can make the decision and the fact that it is a wee bit shabby but the nursing care is excellent makes for a no brainer imo.You have been this mans wife for a great many years and have the final decision for goodness sake and no doubt you have raised these girls as your own throught out the years stick to your guns and take no notice of their childish behaviour.

I agree with previous posters, but I know from personal experience how hard it is when your parent goes into residential care - even if the home was spanking brand new, they may have reacted negatively. In my experience also, there's nothing like this kind of issue to cause friction between siblings who feel (however unreasonably) ignored when it comes to decision-making; so cut them some slack - but stick to your guns, you made the right decision.

I used to work in elderly care. The very best home in the area for people with dementia was definitely scruffy but the care was brilliant. The atmosphere was homely and kindly and not clinical.

You have PofA - he is your DH and your decision stands. Hold your head up and do not let them intimidate you.

You made the right decision. Don’t go handing over PoA to anyone yet until this is all sorted.

Are you the only person named on the Poa and what type is it?

My dh visited lots of care homes in his work and always said scruffy homes usually had the best care.

My mother spent the last 18 months of her life in an excellent nursing home that offered the very best of care. It was an old building that looked scruffy compared to the very modern assisted care home we had to move her from because the care was practically non existent.

We also had to make a quick decision. I had POA so told my brothers I was going to take a look and would send them photos. They said they would trust my instincts.

As soon as I walked in the main door I could tell it was going to be the right place for Mum.

Good care is hard to find so you've done the right thing.

DO NOT under any circumstances hand over the PofA to one or more of your stepchildren. Never, never.

You are his partner - have been for a very long time. You alone know what is best for him. Stand by your decision.

These stepchildren are sending abusive texts - do you feel they are the right people to be deciding your OH's care? I think not.

Anyone who is silly enough to send abusive texts should not be given POA , why are you handing it over to them when you are his wife?

I would choose nursing care over décor any day , what is it they are objecting to ? is it the fact that you had to make a quick decision and they felt left out or has there always been animosity between you . They should be supporting their Father and you not causing trouble x

Yup, nursing care first!
Do not give the P of A to anybody else, you may well regret it.

As far as the abusive texts go, you can only be polite and say that you will discuss moving him wth them. I don’t expect they will be able to find anything better.

Now for the shabbiness. My mum went into a home as an emergency. If I had time, I doubt I would have chosen it. It was two houses knocked into one. Really old fashioned furniture. I am so glad that my mum went there. The care for the 5years she was there was second to none.

After the first 6weeks we had the opportunity to move her. We looked at three modern homes. I knew that my mum would have hated them. There was a coldness about them compared to,the coziness of the Home she was not in. My mum could be very outspoken about the residents. She passed loud remarks about their slippers, their clothes, the fact that some cuddled dolls. When I remonstrated once about not hurting their feelings, she replied “It’s my house, I can say what I like”. That was such a reassuring feeling for me.

Sadly I had criticm from some of my cousins about the home. One in particular told me incessantly how many activities her Mum had at the home, how many outings, how wonderful the food was. I knew she was trying to get at me but I ignored her. Like you, I did the very best I could.

That should read “coziness of the home she was in”. I don’t know where that extra not came from.

My Granny moved into what seemed to us to be a very shabby care home but she was very happy. It occurred to me that I was looking for the sort of decor and furnishings that I was familiar with rather than what granny was used to and happy with. Trying to impose 21st century style onto a resolutely early 20th century people isn't necessarily the best thing to do.

I used to visit care homes regularly as part of my work and agree with all who have said ignore any shabbiness if the care is good and the staff kind and caring,
you did the right thing as you had already seen the home and had liked it.
My mum was in a similar situation, in a general hospital for months and in that time her dementia deteriorated badly due to poor nursing care.
Good luck with the steps, i dont understand why they would be so unpleasant. Please consider poa carefully. You are next of kin and not them.
I hope your husband settles in his new home. The staff will be trained and will better understand dementia, unlike the staff in a general hospital. Or at least that was my experience. Hope all goes well.

I would have done exactly as you. The nursing care is the most important aspect. Shabbiness can be overcome and you will probably be able to furnish his room with personal photos and familiar items. I can't understand why they would prefer their father to be in a hospital ward instead of a caring home. Are they very young the stepdaughters as this seems very childish? As for social media - block them or come off yourself and can your phone block texts from particular numbers? Would it not be easier to pass POA to your own children?

I think you were right you have no chance to think about it or it’s gone if you are Happy the nursing care will be good that’s all there is to it
Please be very careful who you hand Poa to my friends step daughters became very ‘anti’ and while my friend was in hospital they moved the father to a new home giving her no information and told the home if she rang to give no information the chap actually fell out of bed and died and she wasn’t even informed, never had a chance to say goodbye or go to the funeral I don’t think they were actually married but had been together about 20 years

Thank you for all your comments ladies. I know that this is the right place for DH but should he not settle we can always move him. The POA is a different matter. When he first went into hospital I went to make a will. My solicitor advised me to get a copy of DH’s will to prevent conflict of interest. When we read the will made after we had been married 18 years and he was perfectly well I found that although he had left me a lifetime interest in the house he had left it on my death to his children although he brought up mine from them being 6 and 5. I put money into the house from my divorce settlement and have worked for the past 20 years. I have only a state pension now but was expected to upkeep a 4 bedroomed house. There was a clause that if I moved out of the house for any reason it was to be given to the step C. I was given 2 options by the solicitor 1. to reason with them and as you can see from what has happened or 2. divorce him and then get 50% of the house. After lots of soul searching and advice this was the option I chose. It may seem harsh but I have to look after myself now. This however means passing the POA to the 2 girls named on the original so they can act for their father. I did this with a heavy heart as I know it seems extreme.

You did absolutely the right thing. The care your DH receives is the all important factor. Also another little bit of advice. Absolutely insist that staff keep you informed of absolutely everything, from a GP visit to what DH has been doing throughout the day. Keep a diary of everything as this can be invaluable should there be a need for any future changes or whatever. Insist that staff keep you "in the loop". Never ever be afraid to voice questions or rsise any issues/concerns. When you go to meetings or case conferences, have any questions or concerns written down. Never be afraid to go higher or challenge anything. This is your DH and you are now his voice because he is now unable to speak for himself. Good staff welcome families that are actively involved, both you and the staff are there for the same reason. To provide best care for your DH. There are times they will get things wrong, be prepared for that, but a good care home will learn and make sure it doesn't happen again. I'd hold off on the POA for now until DH is settled in and the family can see how things are going. Just one other little tip. If DH is with others suffering from dementia, please don't leave expensive items with him. Invariably, things do get lost or mislaid, either by DH, the other residents and sometimes staff too. Same for clothing, choose items that will be able to withstand the rigours of care home laundry. Sad that this is where you and DH are at now, but hope all the happy memories keep you going ?

Have I understood correctly that you have now divorced from your second husband in exchange for 50% of the house? surely that’s now a whole different scenario to the original post and if you are divorced it will be entirely up to his daughters where he goes for his end of life care if he’s no longer your husband, so they are probably well and truely miffed that you decided ( which I agee you had little choice in at the time) over them
I m finding it hard getting my head round this one you wanted your own two children, his step children to be equal in his will to his own four children and he hadn’t done that although he had made full arrangements for you for the rest of your life, so because of that you were advised to divorce him and you have now done that. Is that it?

That sounds so extreme your children are adults with their own lives why would you divorce because they weren’t going to get a fifth and sixth slice of the house s worth

So sorry if I ve read this all wrong and got the wrong slant on it please put me right if so

Didn't see your last post OP. That sheds a different light on your situation. I don't know enough about law in your part of the world to suggest anything other than taking advice from the legal experts.,good luck as I think you're going to have a difficult situation to deal with.

It does appear unfair that despite you contributing financially towards the house throughout your marriage you would be penalised if you left it. Trying to keep such a large house whilst only on a pension would be very difficult and stressful. I can understand why you made your decision., I would have thought your husband would have left the house to you, as his wife with a request it be shared between all the children upon your death.

But he may have made the promise to his children long before Jacquie came along MesMopTop Its much more complicated than it first appeared and a big problem I would think although he only made the will 20 years ago it may have been the same will but altered slightly to make sure Jacqui had a roof over her head for the rest of her life but it has backfired as poor Jacqui is between a rock and a hard place as if she move out she will lose everything and she can’t stay as it’s too expensive to run alone, however we have no background knowledge of how the marriage or the various dynamics with children and step children etc worked over the years and there doesn’t appear on the face of it much else she could do to secure her life after her marriage Was your husband in agreement Jacqui or is he not of sound enough mind to understand it all ?
Goods and chattels make life so complex oh for a simple life on a desert island eh, what a pickle

It always gets very close molicated with 2nd marriages and stepchildren. Anyone else in this position now should take heed and clarify Wills, POA etc You now have to protect yourself and do what is best for your situation, of course discuss it with step children who are civil with you, but I feel the others have now lost that right.