Dilemma

Yes, BlueBelle, I did read all the thread and from my own experiences I concentrated on the most important point. Hospital under the NHS is not a place for anyone to stay long term; getting out with the right level of care is of paramount importance. I answered the OP question.

But it’s not really about that Cardiff have you not read all the thread

Care is so much more important than any shabbiness or similar. In some ways it shows that they are spending the money where it does the most good and I very much doubt the residents know or care as long as they are being well looked after.

Getting good care nowadays is so, so difficult. Ask the doubters to find better care if they can; they cannot so do let them try and that should bring about a change of attitude.

If she’s divorced she’s no longer next of kin lovelei so would not have POA unless the husband said he wanted her to continue but as he’s of unsound mind he can’t say that so yes it would go to this next if kin which would normally be eldest daughter

As far as the care home goes I would always prioritise the quality of the care provided over the state of the decor so think you have done the right thing in choosing the best care available for your husband over a well-polished show-home that may not have such good nursing care. I would be inclined to think the owners of this place spend their money on good nurses, reliable caring staff and patient care/needs rather than Farrow & Ball paint and posh carpets for instance. And there's a big difference between shabby and minging!

If you have Power of Attorney now then I would not relinquish this to the step-kids who may not have their father's best interests at heart - maybe they want him nearer to them or have other reasons to object, or maybe they are just being awkward or feel powerless and frustrated so are taking it out on you. If his son, and possibly 1 of his 3 daughters are supportive then work with them but do not give them the POA - you have been married a long time and probably know him best and what the best for him would be. Even if you divorced I don't see that would automatically bar you from acting as his POA. I hope you will be able to work something out, as a family, but at the end of the day the decision at the moment is yours to make so do what you think is right and work with the kids that support both you and their father - it's horrible when you are being pulled every which way.

Is it possible the objecting daughters have some sort of financial motivation to want the POA, the house, to inherit it all etc? Could you really trust them to act in his best interests? I hope everything comes good and that he will be well looked after in the new place

It sounds as if the house is in DH name as she has a lifetime interest in it. I do not see why she has to give up LPA . It seems the divorce is a formality to protect her investment in the house.
I would be very wary of glitzy care homes. Sometimes it is just to impress. Like painting the nails of the residents.
All very difficult. All my best wishes.

My mum had dementia and was in a care home for 5 months until she passed away at the end of September. The home probably needed some TLC but the staff were amazing and that is what made the difference to mum. I think you did the right thing and some family, no matter what you do, it will never be the right thing as far as they were concerned. Be careful of losing your financial rights if you give over POA (although POA ends the minute a person dies and it is the executor of the will who takes over).

I wanted to add that I agree with most here..... it's the quality of care that matters, not the decorations. It's also your husband, your decision...no one else's!

Margrete, if you read her second post, you will see that the divorce was purely a practical measure to deal with an unusual legal problem. She did not want to divorce him, and has not abandoned her husband.

My mother has since passed away, but when when she went into full time care (in 2004), we initially placed her in a very impressive facility that looked like a Four Seasons hotel! Manicured, park like gardens, grand piano in the great room, chamber music flowing from the walls, therapy pool, etc. etc. Plenty of amenities soured by an uncaring staff that was both haughty and dismissive. The nurses were not only incompetent, they were rude and awful! She survived there for all of four and a half months until I was able to move her.

The other place was much further away (and not fancy or new) but it was clean, warm and inviting and the care was outstanding.

I understand and believe you did the right thing. It sounds like when you husband made his Will, it was early days, before you put so much money into the house etc. Will’s unfortunately, often get left and not brought up to date and of course, in recent times, due to his dementia, it was too late for him to do so. So it seems, the divorce was purely a legal matter for practical reasons and not because your relationship was over.

I get that two of his daughter are miffed because you took the decision without them, but you attempted to involve them, the decision had to be made quickly and his youngest daughter was there and agreed with you.

Foxie, you mean 'right course' not 'coarse'.

Yes, I would agree - with the benefit of former professional experience - that excellent nursing is to be preferred over 'shabbiness' whatever that means. He won't see the wallpaper or the curtains etc, but nursing is about his care, hour by hour, day by day.

No one else has mentioned it, but here goes - divorcing your husband because he has developed dementia. This is an illness which is going to kill him and he did not ask for it. What happened to 'in sickness and in health'?

If you are the joint owner of the property and your name is on the deeds do NOT divorce him and do NOT relinquish your power of attorney. Put the house on the market and sell it and the money can then be used to buy or rent more manageable accommodation as well as giving you a better pension and quality of life. No one has the God given right to inherit anything so tell the abusers to go away and grow up. With your husbands dementia and other underlying health problems he may not live much longer I'm sorry to say so now is the time to start thinking about yourself and what the future holds for you. Be strong and don't let anything or anyone dissuade you from what you decide is the right coarse for your own well being.

You have done the right thing in a very difficult situation, and thankfully two of your step-children agree with you.

Either the two who don't are reacting more emotionally than sensibly here (that's the charitable view) or they are being downright bl...y minded (the uncharitable view) I don't know which it is, but I am sure you do.

DO NOT ever give anyone else that Power of Attorney - if you do you will , if the worst comes to the worst, have no say in your husband's future care, or even at his funeral. You could even be refused the right to see him. You are his wife, so I cannot see why anyone else should even be considered as having the right to the Power of Attorney.

Leave your two difficult stepdaughters to cool down again. Do not reply to their abuse, but save the messages, so you have them if you do need to take some kind of action later. Are they also abusing their sister, who was there and agreed with you, or is it just you they are lashing out at?

I do hope they simmer down, but if they don't, please do not blame yourself for grabbing the chance of a place for your husband. Drab paintwork and old fashioned rooms do not matter - nursing care does, and good care is hard to come by.

Definately the right decision, the care is far more important than the look of the place, I am sure your Husband will be happy there.

Care No 1 priority. Don't, whatever you do, hand POA to children, come what may. My dds bullied my mum with early stage dementia into signing over EPA, whereupon they forced her into a home as far from her friends and inaccessible as they could arrange. I was living 200 miles away and they told the home that mum didn't want to see us, so we had driven 400 miles for nothing. I never saw her again. They sold her house, claimed all her possessions, many of which were of sentimental value and actually belonged to me (my dad's violin, an autograph book signed by some relatively famous 19th century composers and other performers who had played with my professional cellist next door neighbour, who was like a grandmother to me, and her fiddle-playing sisters, my verse-speaking medals, etc). No real value, but dear to me and they disappeared off the face of the earth. Worse, they tried not to let me know of mum's death - the solicitors kindly contacted me so MIL (one of her best friends) and I arranged to stay over in a guesthouse the previous night and take a taxi to the service. Had DDs decided to force her to change her will and name them as executors instead of the family solicitor, I recognise that I would not have received the inheritance she left me - it would have gone into their back pockets. Sorry if this sounds like sour grapes, but EPA gives them virtual carte blanche to do what they will, move him as they will, claim his share of the house. The Court of Protection would not listen to my concerns and said my mum had been compos mentis when she signed the EPA, clearly not true - within 4 months she did not know that she had a daughter, let along GC.

The care home sounds to be fine-arguably money is best spent on nursing and so decoration etc might become shabby. Your relationships with your DH and his DDs is another matter. Perhaps you need to think carefully about what Pof A you give them. It is posssible to limit it I believe. I wonder why it is passing to only 2 DDs? You seem to have a better relationship with one DD and his DS could they not have PoA?

I would have done the same the care part is the most important and you can always smarten his room up and make it nice.
You might have never gotten the another offer of a bed they are like gold dust

You have done the right thing and had the backup of two of your stepdaughters. That would be enough for me.
Keep your power of attorney.Who knows what will happen concerning those who have objected to your decision should you relinquish this.

It’s very simple, do you want a home where the money is spent on the provision of care or on continually refurbishing? Providing it’s clean and meets health and safety standards, ask to see the social care report, your husband will be fine. Tell the step children to wind their necks in or come and be more proactive in finding somewhere elsewhere. But get him away from becoming totally institutionalised in hospital..

Nursing care over decor every time. You love him and want to do what's best and that is the best in the circumstances. I would delay handing over any power until they grow up and visit him in his new home and see for themselves.

I would have done exactly the same as you. The saving grace is that one of your SDs made the decision jointly with you. I myself have two adult SDs and one can be a nightmare and a real cause of stress. I nurse my own mum who is in her 90s and at the end stage of life with dementia. Nobody who hasn't cared for someone in this position can empathise and this is clearly the case with your angry SDs. However, their anger cannot be allowed to make your life more unhappy and difficult than it is so be strong and stick to your guns. And take heed regarding the PoA - if you are having this kind of reaction now, imagine what will happen once that PoA is passed to them - do not do it otherwise you will find yourself in a place that makes your own old age untenable. Give the PoA to someone outside the family.

Bluebelle, no I am not divorced from him yet. The petition hasn’t yet been signed by me. I am not divorcing him so my children can get a sixth of the value of the house they are both financially secure. I am divorcing him because after 32 years of investing in this marriage and financially supporting him for the last 12, I feel that I would like to enjoy my twilight years and not have to spend my last days worrying about the upkeep of a house that is in need of some tender loving care. I still have feelings for my DH but the man in the nursing home is no longer the man I married.

Dear Jacquihg, What a difficult situation you are in. However you are doing the right thing supporting your soon to be ex husband and getting on with your own life by laying down a sound and fair financial future for yourself.

you are doing taking the right actions and as you say once you are divorce the 2 step daughters get power of attorney and they can move their father into a different home if they wish. There is no justification to block a hospital bed if more homely care that meets his needs can be found.

As there are 2 types of attorney I wonder if you have Lasting Poer of Attorney and the daughters' powers being under an earlier will will have registered powers of attorney. With LPA you register at the start. If they have to register you could oppose it but as they are his daughters and you will be divorced I think it not a good idea.

All the very best. Let us know whet happens.

Shabby or dirty/smelly?