What do you think actually does make a marriage?

I am the last person to ask. How about having a partner with a genuine sense of humour and fun. Must not lecture and explain everything for hours.

Give and take

Tolerance, humour, kindness, shared interests. Of course love and an understanding that I am right

Being best friends, having time apart for hobbies and sharing humour.

His ability to say 'Yes dear' at the right time

Less flippantly - little acts of kindness, acceptance of each other as we are, a good six second kiss every day (heard about that one quite recently and have been practising - though sometimes reach the seconds count in instalments ), never going to sleep in anger, being honest, knowing when to sometimes stay silent, shared laughter.

To love and to cherish
For richer or poorer
In sickness and health
To have and to hold from this day on.

Our vows
They mean the same today as a they did 36 years ago

Humour definitely .

Love which ages well from the first throes of passion to a lifelong friendship and companionship.

Things in common.

The ability to function alone - or as a couple.

Endless patience and perseverance .

A partnership.

Knowing when and how to say you're sorry;
A deep understanding of what makes the other person tick and an acceptance of their shortcomings;
Tolerance;
Openness and being able to talk through your problems;
Companionship;
Humour.

I read the whole of that other thread and the relationship the OP described covered most of the things that have been posted here apart from the statement that she didn't love him. In that context I took this to mean not dizzying, romantic, sweep you off your feet mode which is really infatuation, not love (though it can turn into something lasting and deeper).

I've been reading these threads looking for an answer myself. The same age as Snowdrop (63) with a 34 year marriage, I am bewildered by how things have changed in the last year and I wonder if she, like me, is finding it hard to believe and keeps hoping that the relationship is ok or good enough.

We've had massive changes, children leaving home, some emigrating, moving house and downsizing, me retiring, him semi retiring but now working from home so he's always here. We've certainly had our bad times but the tension now is awful, arguments break out all the time. He's always been rather quiet and passive, but he's become passive aggressive with lots of little digs and asides and if I challenge him he denies what he said or insists I am mistaken and that isn't what he meant at all.

I've just had the loveliest day with my daughter and was so happy and since we came home he's been sniping about what I did in the garden yesterday 'without his input' (he was actually not here), about how i am a busy bee when he's not here or for instance, about the fact that I often sleep elsewhere because of his snoring, the list feels endless. I don't recognise the man I married, I'm sure he didn't do this in the past and I wonder about depression and dementia (his mother had it) and all those other things that people suggest might be happening. I feel that he tries to control me, he interrupts me when I'm speaking, tells me I'm wrong, corrects me about facts and things I might say that he disagrees with, sometimes in front of other people. If I complain about this later he'll say he doesn't remember or that wasn't what he meant at all. The other day in the car he wouldn't give way at a narrow point in a lane to a car coming uphill. The other driver eventually forced him to and he grumbled so I said 'well the rule is to give way to drivers coming uphill'. He said nothing for a moment and then insisted that the other driver had had plenty of room.

He's flounced off now, after a tense evening he started rubbing my leg in bed, I asked him why he pretends everything is ok so he's gone to sleep elsewhere while I sit up feeling miserable. And the cat, who will no longer stay in the same room as us both, has gone to sleep in the garden. It's not marriage is it and it's hard to believe that and to take that step of packing the bag and meaning it. I don't know any more what's real and what isn't. I don't know how to leave and I keep thinking maybe it's alright because sometimes it is. I do admire people who can be so clear. How do you know and are you just fortunate that things haven't got so bad.

Azie I am so sorry that you are experiencing an unhappy time with all the anguish that it brings. It doesn't have to mean that your marriage is over because of it, but if you feel diminished, then yes, something has to change.

I come from the perspective of a 'failed' first marriage - probably married about the same time as you and had four children, but 17 years in, he was very unhappy, had an affair and wanted a divorce. Even 17 years is a lifetime enough - when you have built together and had children together - it cannot be easily undone - so much truer then for 34 years. In some ways you know the fabric of each other, but we do evolve and you need to re-learn each other at times.

I hope you can steer him to see that you need better communication as a starting point. Unless there is an underlying health problem, it may be something you can address together and solve together. Don't rule out 'Relate' - they can work on resolution to save or end a marriage as amicably as possible.

Do try to give yourself the emotional support you need so that things don't disintegrate through hurt. I hope you can find the resolution you need - no quick fixes, but after so many years, my feeling is that it is worth trying to save if possible.

I would add showing affection to Greyduster's list
There are many ways to show you love someone as have been mentioned but a hug or even just a touch of the hand go a long way. Even if intercourse is no longer possible for whatever reason. I think it's vital to still have that closeness.

I recently leanred about a book called 'The Five Languages of Love' by Gary Chapman. (I think) The thinking is that we each have a preferred / dominant way of showing love - which is probably the way that is also the most meaningful for us to receive / interpret it for ourselves. In Chapman's book the five ways are: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch (intimacy).

As an aid to understanding ourselves and partners better, the aim is to try to see how our partner gives love - we may be missing what they are trying to show us - and then to show that we value this - and in turn to raise their awareness about what works best for us.

The scant knowledge I have about this has already made me consider things for myself. My DH is not big on overtly showing affection - I could get grumpy and draw away because of this, but he is particularly good at showing that he wants to spend quality time with me and he does lots of little things around the house that show his devotion.

I know any 'labels' can be possibly limiting, but I quite like this thinking and have found it worthwhile - it has reminded me to try to show love on 'his terms' at times - to be more mindful myself of doing little things for him - and turning off Gransnet sometimes so I give him my full attention .

We are total opposites
I am an optimist, he is a pessimist.
I am slapdash, he is exact.
I have a sense of humour, he is serious.
I like going out enjoying myself, he likes working at home.
In times of trouble he is by my side and I am by his side.
They said it wouldn't last and that I had made a big mistake.
Been married 46 years in October.
We have both been exceptionally lucky.

and turning off Gransnet so I give him full attention. Oh come on, let's not take things too far! . (Sorry, couldn't resist! Lovely thread this!)

I think that we have been lucky to have 'grown' at the same rate and we have always had a common purpose - our family.

It's scary to think that we 'married in a fever' and it could have all gone disastrously wrong! I'm not sure we thought very deeply about it. As it is, we have weathered the storms, mostly by laughing at them.

I agree about the loving touch nina

Mind you, I'm finding him a bit annoying this morning!

imperfect I agree with that list, and I would add "Reading 'sorry' signals". People have many ways of signalling that they are sorry.

I think that "Acts of Service" are important. I "spoil" my husband when he has been working hard (for example with a favourite meal, cup of tea and something tasty ) - and he loves it, and his appreciation and gratitude in turn makes me happy. Some of the younger female members of my family don't get why I do that.

Shared values, without doubt, as the foundation. Followed by (in no particular order)sense of humour, kindness, integrity, total honesty, tolerance and the ability to compromise, physical compatibility, ...basically, a "good fit" in every possible way.

Some years ago when we were going through a bad patch the advice I read was 'be kind to each other' and also that you can 'decide to be happy'. So in other words some hard work was required to get us back on even keel and we are fine now our next anniversary will be out 39th.

So long as I get my cup of tea first thing in the morning we'll make it to our 50th next year.

Am heading for our 46th anniversary next Monday. For 42years it has been a great marriage. But somewhere around the 17yr mark we lost each other and had 4 years of real unhappiness: unfaithfulness, vitriol, anger & living apart. However, we both wanted it to work. When push came to shove we chose to be together and after much counselling, tears, pain and separation we got back on track. It has not all been sweetness and light since but it has been good. We each have independent interests as well as shared and we invest time in our relationship and our family. We love each other and occasionally we find we can also recall being "in love" with each other and enjoy heady moments of teen silliness amongst the more mundane days of companionship, routine and daily bustle

We have been together for 54 years and married 50 this autumn. DH worked very long hours and for 16 years worked away from home, I believe absence does make the heart grow fonder.
DH agrees that our marriage worked because I took on all the domestic activities and childcare and he did the blokie things. Since he retired he has taken over the housework, who couldn't love a man that did that ?

Imperfect thank you for that. And others who have offered ways of living in a loving marriage. It's certainly a mixed bag. I/We've come this far with a lot of ups and downs including an affair by him with a work colleague who he 'got muddled about' when my youngest was starting school.

Nankate I could echo your list of opposites, I am lively and outgoing and like to have fun, he is serious and academic and has a weird sense of humour that is so dry that others often miss it (me too); he is laid back to the point of absurdity, I do all the worrying; I make friends and try out new activities, he does the one somewhat cultish martial arts activity that he has done for 30 years, reads endless huge, obscure tomes and works; I have a few good friends and lots of acquaintances, he has almost no friends.

I am confused by how he behaves and what he says. I know his family were all serious, rather religious and no one, ever, expressed anger and they expressed few other emotions. He says his internal landscape is just flat and living with me has taught him how to feel emotions. I'm not sure he'd be there for me in times of trouble, it's been a joke for a long time that when we once wild camped in France many moons ago and I was terrified in the night, he said 'I'll protect you as best I can'. Always prevarication which he calls honesty.

So often on these pages I see people saying they are happier alone, I can see some recipes above for what makes people stay or think they're marriage is a good one but how do people decide in their particular situation.

I had a ring side seat at my parent's miserable marriage, 36 years they were together before mum died. Dad died recently and in his wallet was a love letter written by mum, thanking him for their time together and saying how she loved him, even when they rowed. He had kept that for over 30 years, with him every day and although he met someone else later..........it was always mum for him. Laurie Lee decribed it as 'the unique dovetailing of oddities' (I think it was him) it certainly seems to sum up the marriages I have observed working over decades.......not my own of course, I am rubbish at such things.

Kindness, sharing, support been through many ups and downs managed to keep communication going - 50 years now.