What do you think actually does make a marriage?

For us it has been humour, music and loyalty.

It is all a bit askew at the moment, as, due to PD, OH sometimes bears very little relation to the man I married, and I have to dig pretty deep to find him. It does send the relationship off kilter, but what I do know is that, whatever might have happened to me if it had been my illness, he would have looked after me with fierce loyalty. So that is what I am trying to do - not altogether successfully, but I can only do my best.

One thing that keeps us going is the presence of family - lovely stalwart girls and their children who are walking beside us both - so in a sense children can be part of a good marriage as they bring shared enjoyment and a sense of achievement.

Riding the storms!

NannyJan

It was probably a lot more common than many people realise.

I can relate to that; my OH and I have been on/off for decades and it looks like we'll end up the same way (though hopefully not prickly..)

What fascinates me is the "can't live with you; can't live without you” relationship that my SiL found herself in. When DH and I married, she and her husband had already been married for a few years. Later in life they divorced, only to marry each other again some years later and then divorce a second time! Neither of them married again, but they chose to live near each other and carried on what was, if not a caring, a platonic if rather prickly relationship until he died recently. 'Very much at arms length but there if you need me'. It seemed to work for them, but seemed odd to most people. They were both very strong characters.

Imperfect27 Sounds the basis for a TV Drama

NannyJan I can see that it has affected all my children - he was a public figure so there was some spectacular fall out too. All a long time ago now, but conscious that GS will grow up with an intetesting family history..

It was the children I was most upset for Imperfect27 - even now my daughter (38) is estranged from him, not because he left or the reason why, but because he virtually ignored them for years until they were grown up! My son is more ambivalent about that. As you say, in these more enlightened times he would have never felt the need to marry and hide his sexuality. BUT, I never regret my two wonderful children and four lovely granddaughters.

How they can leave their children is what hurt most at the time NannyJan - but he has been with someone he met a year later for 16 years and they had a civil partnership and then married recently. I have been with my DH for 8 years all told. And how could we regret the beautiful children we have? But people who have remained happily married can often assume we gave up on something. I guess in a different time and different social climate - today for instance - he would never have felt he needed to hide anything and we would never have married.

Imperfect27 I was the same, married 9 years, two lovely children. Blissfully happy (so I thought) Then out of the blue he left to be with another man - devastated! He is still with the same person now all these years later.

Many years later I am with someone who is kind, laid back, thoughtful and 'young at hear' The best way to live with someone is follow the old saying..."treat someone as you would like others to treat you"! Not always easy.

We've been married 48 years this year. I don't know what the 'secret' is. We just sort of get on with it. There have been many of times over the years (mostly when we were younger and maybe thought there was greener grass out there) when both of have thought we'd had enough but somehow we are still here

Reading all these lovely posts, I think I'm just too selfish to sustain a long marriage (1st lasted 5y, second 7y) - just can't 'grin and bear it' when OH drives me mad

I apologise if my last post was flippant, a bit too hasty!.
I have been very lucky to be married to an extremely kind and generous man for 47 years. Ups and downs, of course. Is there such a thing as a "perfect marriage"?. I don't think so.
We are opposites and something's this can cause friction but on the whole life is very good. I take each day as it comes and just hope for the best and that one of us doesn't get something nasty?. A good friend has just had some horrible things done to her in hospital so I just keep my fingers crossed!.
A lot of give and take and biting your lip at times when he's spent nearly all day watching the cricket/golf.

Azie09 I soooooo identify with your post. I definitely did not marry this man 47 years ago! Constant niggling, backbiting and passive aggressive in the extreme. On top of that hardly any physical relationship. Hubby has several ongoing health problems and I think I'm partly to blame for his current attitudes in that I pandered to his every whim so he didn't get stressed etc. The outcome has just made him selfish in the extreme and to some extent a bit of a bully, everything has to be done his way or he sulks for days. I've told him I think he's suffering from depression but (tactfully and more bluntly) but he won't even consider that so no hope at all.

An awful lot of this ???????????????????.

river & aepgirl I ralise that it is not always possible for relationships to mend or to be worth mending. I wish you both contentment for the future I am watching my own DD go through a very tough disintegration of her 17 yr relationship. I don't think her relationship is repairable but no outsider can ever really know.

Aepgirl I'm sorry that happened to you - a shock indeed after all those years.

....enjoy heady moments of teen silliness amongst the more mundane days of companionship, routine and daily bustle

Penst that's what I would have hoped for in my 25-year marriage, and to be enjoying that now in older age, particularly as the children have grown and flown. We did have such times but they were far outweighed by the negative aspects.

Last month would have been our 40th wedding anniversary - I wasn't sad on the day but did reflect on what might have been.

A very interesting thread.

My DH and I were happily married for 36 years. We had ups and downs like anyone else, but basically we really loved each other and both worked hard to raise our four children.

We had our own restaurant so DH worked relentless hours and we didn't see much of each other as I was home raising the family until the youngest was 7. I then worked with DH in the restaurant for ten years. It is not always easy working with your spouse, but we survived it and hoped for a happy retirement together.

We were very lucky to have time to travel, become grandparents and make more happy memories before he died aged 69 two years ago.

Life goes on, but it is not and never will be the same without him. He was such a huge part of my life and I miss him every day. I don't want pity or sympathy though because I count myself so fortunate to have been loved by such a special man.

Aepgirl my hear goes out to you. some of the posts here have made me ache - non-one's fault, but it is hard on those who have been divorced through no choice of their own. I know I was a devoted and loving wife and I did all those things for H1 too - I am also conscious that some here have said they worked through their difficulties, including adultery and I am truly glad for them. Sadly ours were insurmountable because of his sexuality (the Gay Britannia series is proving very painful for me at the moment).

We have to remind ourselves that we have nothing to feel guilty / bad about when we do our best and it just isn't good enough because of their 'needs' / selfishness ...

Even though I am now very happily married to DH2, who incidentally was another walking wounded, it still stings that others are celebrating their 30ths / 35ths around me. Unlikely we will ever have that much time, but still, I am truly grateful for a marriage where the balance is now 'right' and I am loved to my toes. I know I have been very fortunate to find this after many, many years.

I loved my husband beyond measure and did all the things others have written. We had a really good marriage for nearly 34 years, then out of the blue I came home from work one lunchtime to be told 'you've been a good and loyal wife to me, but it's not enough'. He then left with a woman he knew in his late teens. That was nearly 11 years ago now. What a shock.so my message is enjoy each other's company and appreciate each day. I have many happy memories.

That's it exactly penstemmon.

Give and take and a sense of humour.

Give and take, be there for each other, I love my husband as much now as I did when we married and I know he feels the same and that will be 50 years in November.

Penstemmon, thank you. My DD1 had that reading at her wedding.

Mojo not just men!