My dear friend is ill, what words of comfort can I give to her.

Oh I'm so sorry that this unusual situation has occurred. My sister had breast cancer 2 years ago and suffered malnutrition as a result of the chemo, she was very ill indeed. However, she kept it from her daughters, as she did not want them to worry. She lives in France and her daughters live here in the UK, therefore She was able to hide it from them. She purchased a wig and when skyping you couldn't tell. She did tell them once she recovered, they were'nt angry, they were heartbroken, mainly because of the fear that they may not have had any time with her. I think your friend has no option but to tell her son and daughter as her outcome is in the balance from what you say. Just imagine what it would be like for her son in particular, if his mother didn't make it and he knew nothing about her illness. He would be beside himself and more. I would strongly encourage her to tell him.

I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer in my 60's. I had the full wammy of mastectomy with removal of lymph nodes because it had started to spread. Followed by chemotherapy, then radiotherapy and oestrogen inhibitor tablets which I was told were for 5yrs but now, 3yrs further on I have just been told that I must take them for a total of 10yrs.
What I found was that I lost a lot of my self-confidence because we are totally in the hands of the medics and because our bodies change ; we lose our hair ; we feel ill and we need a lot of help.

Friends who care about us are vitally important so please continue to be there for her. She might like your input when she goes to choose a wig and scarves if she plans to use them.

If she can, watercress helped me with the fatigue caused by the radiotherapy - there was a study done in a university and it was suggested that eating about 100 grms a day helped combat the fatigue.

There is also a charity called We Hear You which is specifically for supporting and counselling anyone affected by cancer - friends, relatives, carers and patients themselves. They also do telephone counselling now for people who don't live in Somerset. One of my daughters spoke with them for advice on how to tell her young boys.

I hope some of this may be of some help.

AlgeswifeVal - so sorry for you, your friend, and your family generally. Silverlining is absolutely correct about the post-menopausal cancer being much less aggressive. My own mother found breast cancer aged 84, it was treated with a hormone called Letrozole to reduce the tumour with the plan being to do a lumpectomy and follow it with radiotherapy. Knowing what I know about the rate of growth of post-menopausal cancer I didn't agree with the lumpectomy and radiotherapy plan but mum wanted to go ahead. In fact, in the operating theatre her blood pressure rose so high that they wouldn't proceed. The lump has since almost disappeared and she is discharged from the hospital. Your friend may have some success with this hormone therapy - my mum's case isn't the only one I've heard of. I realise that your friend was on HRT for a long time but she may respond favourably and ethelwulf is right. I think you have to encourage your friend to talk, to ask questions and to listen to her fears - seems like you're being a great friend already.

Such a sad situation and I can't believe the timing wich is never good. I've just been recalled a couple of weeks ago and they told me they had found something I spent an awful week waiting to go for my recall and the day was frightening . My outcome is good and I'm ok but the awful feeling it left in me that it could of been. Well.... Be a good friend and be there for her I wish her well and a positive outcome . X

Also, please ensure she has someone with her for hospital meetings - my mother had cancer and fortunately my brother was able to attend, ask questions and most importantly write down answers, as she was really in no fit state to take in what had been said.

When I was going through treatment knowing friends were there for a natter or just to go out for coffee was a great help also them being ok with fact I didn't want to talk sometimes . I do think she needs to tell son it's difficult especially not knowing outcomes but they need to know . Hope all goes well for them both ?

So sorry for the bad news and all the worry in your friend's life right now. It's always hard to know what words to say in situations such as this one and most of us muddle through somehow.

When I can't find what to say, I try to be a good, empathetic listener. A comforting touch or a warm hug can be more supportive than words.

Treatments can be debilitating, so a helping hand will always be welcome. When you are there for someone in their time of need, words aren't that important.

Regular and positive messages of care are what someone needs whilst going through breast cancer, and also asking the person how they are. It is correct that bc post menopause is easier to treat due to lack of hormonal fluctuations. Lots of breast cancer patients are treated very successfully these days so make sure you tell your friend that. I had it almost 5 years and I am expecting to be discharged from the breast clinic in December. I also have a number of friends that have had it and are still all here to tell the tale! ? Stay positive for your friend. ?????????????????????????

I've been in this situation and I am a survivor. When I got the news I couldn't stop shaking and felt sick all the time. What really helped me was not being left alone for long where I could dwell on it. Take your friend out for walks and afternoon tea and just listen if she wants to talk. Tell her its one day at a time and many people get through it. She will come to terms with it but it will take time.

Lots of good advice so mine is just to let her know that your are always there for her.

...and look after yourself too while you are carrying all this worry ???

My only friend has brain cancer that has had treatment but it didn't work. We speak every night as we live in different parts of the country even when abroad I still call her. She is in hospital at moment as she took too many pills one day. Social Services have to be brought in before she can go home. I can't get to see her and I am scared she will die before I see her. I have a husband with dementia so going anywhere is hard. I am in touch with her through one of her family members which is hard. I want to speak to her. I want to laugh and joke like before. How you carry on with your situation I cannot imagine. I think mine is bad then read yours and my heart and prayers go out to you. God bless your family

Just be there for her, AlgeswifeVal. I was diagnosed with bc in 2005 when I was 54, and had a mastectomy, chemo and radiotherapy, I was then on hormone therapy for 5 years. I'm happy to say I'm still well 12 years later, and I hope your friend will have a similar outcome. I'm sure that if she has been offered all the treatments then the doctors are confident of a good outcome. I know someone who was diagnosed in her 70s and she was offered only radiotherapy as she was not considered robust enough for more aggressive treatment, but she is still well 10 years later. Treatments have improved considerably in the past 15 years and many more of us are still well many years after treatment. I hope this gives hope to your friend, and I wish her well for the future.

Awful, but I have just scanned through the messages and one stood out. The one about what CAN be done. I had and still have a funny lump inside one breast. No -one knows what it is, but it is not cancerous - looks like a volcano on X Ray. There was an Oncology nurse having tests done on herself when I was having tests done. I was scared and so was everyone else I met. She told me there is so much that can be done these days and the outlook for people is very good. Telling me this fact made me feel that there was light at the end of what can be a dark tunnel. That nurse alone helped me to cope and I hope it might help you.

My MIL told me of a friend who was a cancer nurse and then had to have a mastectomy ... 40 years ago and she is fine. Also heard of two people recently who are 12 years and 16 years on and feeling fine so yes, a lot can be done.

Val - It must be very hard to watch your friend suffering. And what to say? If possible try to remain positive and optimistic, even if you think there's not much hope.
As someone said earlier, there seems to be more cases of cancer now than there ever was. I wrote earlier about my friend's death - evidently it was very quick - only 3 weeks.