My man annoys me, quite a lot!

Day6, Your post made me smile. I am not retired, but we have gone through a change in circumstances in recent times which has meant that I have been at home for the past four months and have had a glimpse of what retirement might look like in a few years time. I love my man to bits, but can definitely see the potential for us both irritating each other!

I already know that I will have to develop some interests of my own to preserve my sanity as my husband likes to live life in his spare time at a much slower pace than me. If now is anything t go by, he would be very content to potter and do one job a day and nap every afternoon - I go at life with all guns blazing and need to be busy.

TV - we sort of take turns over programme choices and have some very different interests, but when it is his turn, he invariably nods off so I then take the controls and put on something I like ... mwah hah hah ...

Space in the house needs negotiating - he was used to coming home to an empty house and me not being there for another hour and a half and he both likes, and I think needs, times when he can enjoy doing things at home without feeling he needs to converse with me or keep me company. I know I also want my own spaces. I tend to get up earlier or go to bed later sometimes just so I can catch up on a programme I like on i-player, or read without feeling I might be interrupted.

I think what you are expressing is probably very typical for many couples who find themselves in a new phase in life together and it does call for re-negotiation. We all fall into habits with our partners and take them for granted without even realising.

Dead heading the roses? Edging the lawn?

Can you send him round here please?

I agree about the amount of time they SLEEP. I should be so lucky!

merlotgran - SLEEP - Is that just a man thing I wonder!!!

Yes why is it that men can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
My husband has to sit bolt upright on the edge of the sofa if he wants to watch something otherwise he is asleep.
I tend to get irritated by things too but after the very serious illnesses of the husbands of two close friends I bite my tongue and remember how kind and thoughtful my husband is. This more than makes up for any petty irritations.
I of course am perfect in every way ?

Mine can fall asleep as soon as he sits down on a plane, while everyone else is still bustling round finding their places, heaving cases into the overhead rack etc. I've always envied him for that! He once slept through a long delay in a hot, stuffy plane on the runway while the rest of our group was forced by a jovial type to play I Spy for 90 minutes till we felt like weeping.

We'll settle down in front of the TV together in the evening, having compromised on what to watch, so we'll view the same thing, and within five minutes he's fast asleep, snoring on the sofa. I could have watched what I wanted to watch because he sits down and seems unable to stay awake

But if you change channels mine will say 'I was watching that'! 'No you weren't, you were asleep' 'My eyes may be shut but I am following it'



One of the disadvantages of downsizing when you retire is that you may not have your own space

I am not grumbling btw

Oh I am glad others relate to these 'man problems'

I know in the great scheme of things they are not really problems at all and he does have many good qualities too.

It's just that I seem to be irritated by him more frequently, and it must be because we are spending more time together. (Well, we would be if he'd come in from the flippin' garden occasionally.)

It's good that he does his own thing, and his retirement is just as precious as mine, and I really do approve of him having the freedom to potter in the garden all day long. When we moved to our 'forever' retirement home I made sure it had two sitting rooms, so I do have a TV of my own. It's just that when we do sit down together after dinner, as we should, sometimes to enjoy a glass of wine etc, he nods off!

I might as well cut out the pleasantries and just go straight to my own TV in the evening and make conversation with myself.

The odd thing is, I love my own company and would have the screaming abdabs if we were together all the time. I do need space.

I am not quite sure why his habits annoy me !!! (It must be age and retirement related, and given so many men seem able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, it is definitely a problem related to my expectations and tolerance levels I think!)

Oh jalima that is so my husband too!

It took us several years into retirement before we achieved a working compromise on activities and time. I thought we would be playing golf together but I took to it more than he did- he plays bowls, I don't/wont!! One of the best things we did was to utilise our spare bedrooms as a 'study' each so we have a space to retreat to and keep our things in without bewing interfered with. We don't get many guests so we move out when they move in no problem. DH has the larger room and uses it for dressing and watching any TV I don't fancy.
We also have separate activities and joint ones but we had to develop those and it was trial and error till we found the things we were comfortable with. We have regular diary meetings so we agree about whose doing what and not clashing. Both of us fall asleep in front of the TV!!

I used to only see my partner at weekends and one night in the week when we used to go to the cinema. However, we now spend several months together 24/7 when we stay at his holiday home. When we're back at home he has taken to coming round every night and watching television and, quite frankly, it's driving me mad. I'm not authoritative enough to tell him not to, so I now go to the gym every night and stay there till quite late. I don't quite know how to resolve this .I realise that I should have a 'little conversation' with him, but I'm no good at that sort of thing....I realise how lucky I am to have someone to have holidays etc with but it's always been an ongoing problem with us that I need my space and a lot of.

I so relate Tegan. It's awful that you can't be in your own house when you want to be. My partner would be the same, I'm trying to pre-empt this without hurting his feelings, but they seem to be hurt anyway, now feeling bad. I'll be interested to see if anyone esle can advise how to approach this...

Tegan I can relate to that too!

We get along very well on enforced (ha ha!) 24/7 occasions, like holidays. We enjoy each others company.

I suppose on reflection it's a good thing he stays out in the garden so long. He'd probably get on my nerves if he was in the house and in my space. I shall have to buy him a potting shed for Christmas, and install a sofa and TV in it, then his falling asleep when he's with me won't annoy me. Sorted!

Tegan, yours is a tricky problem. I'm afraid I'd do what you're doing and just not be available. Will he get the hint? I suppose it's more adult to tell him you don't want him hanging around every evening, but I am not sure there is a tactful way to do it.

Perhaps you could say something like "Let's coordinate diaries. I am free this Friday. Do you fancy going OUT somewhere?" It doesn't completely solve the problem, but at least you'd not be pushing him away/avoiding him.

Good luck!

DH will also complain if I change channels while he's 'asleep' but he didn't notice a thing last night when I carefully reached over and finished his

I sometimes have to bite my tongue and think that it us nice that after 47 years he still wants to talk to me. I have given up arguing over him falling asleep watching the tv and I record anything I want to watch. Sometimes I will tell him to go and play on the computer while I watch my programmes.

We do still work (together) but I work from home 2 days a week part-time, which gives me some much needed time on my own.

It has to be give and take. Better a bit of compromise than always rowing

merlotgran

Jalimus likes a whisky so no chance of me drinking that!

The trouble is, I have a dog that is more his dog really, and he has always been the dog walker [it started when he was retired but I was still working]. So he comes round to walk the dog each day, but then stays [and doesn't always tell me what time of day he's coming at]. Sometimes he just walks in part way through the day. However, it means that, if I go out for the day he will always look after the dog for me. So I feel pretty selfish about being irritated.

I confess to swigging DH's brandy last night!!

I'm afraid I'm the one that falls asleep .

DH does irritate me every so often when I [1] trip over yet another cable leading to another electronic gadget [2] nearly knock his cup of tea off the banister [3] feel embarrassed that the garden is increasingly becoming a grave yard of bits [4] can't pull the curtains because a pile of boxes to 'go to the garage' is in the way [5] can't access a cupboard because he's still not packed away cases from his business trips from way back....

Yet he never complains if the house needs cleaning; he always does his own washing; he's very willing to go to the shop if I've forgotten something; he always buys me a paper; he's good at sorting out my PC; he's fantastic with the GC and an excellent best friend........

So I keep telling myself I'm luckier than a lot of people

...he's just walked in and is now sat watching the tennis....#ohdear

Oh Tegan, I'd have to change the locks and employ a dog-walker!

I jest, but I do sympathise. I'd be so irritated by him invading my space - just sitting in it. If he'd suggested going for a walk, to the pub, doing something, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, but to just walk in and sit there is awkward. You either have to sit there with him or do something so you're busy.

You should have the freedom to just 'be' in your own home.

It's a dilemma when you have a nice chap who means well and whose company you enjoy - when you plan to be together. I think some men quite like a being joined at the hip relationship. Some women too, I suppose, but it's interesting that many of us crave space and freedom and find the presence or actions of another irritating, even though they are dear to us.

My daughter and her husband have just created a man cave and a woman cave in their house.

Day 6 many of us will share your sentiments and maybe our partners feel the same about us, but there have been so many threads that accelerate from 0 - 60 in as many words and before you get onto the second page, we are getting LTB and advice about solicitors.
I hope this is not the case with you. I often feel Paw can be an itrritating old g*t but he is MY irritating old g*t so on life goes. A relationship which has survived decades is worth working at /compromise/a survival plan is it not?

I echo your post, Maw! DH and I seem to have become joined at the hip these days and it is sometimes intensely irritating falling over each other day after day, but then I remember the increasing number of friends who don't have anyone to fall over, and it is a case of There but for the Grace of God.... Fortunately, this house is big enough for us both to escape to one end or another and have a bit of quiet time when the need arises (which it quite often does!). I sometimes wish mine would fall asleep in a chair occasionally. He's like the Duracell bunny!