Son's rent. WWYD?

Is he paying his girlfriend rent? Charge him a nominal rent until as and when his relationship either ends or becomes more permanent.

What I would like to know is, why do you moms encourage your adult children to stay at home?

When my children were both earning and living at home, my husband had a talk and told them they had to pay for their keep. They were furious and sat in the garden slagging us off. Many years down the line, they laugh at their cheek and have apologised for their bad attitudes.

As your son is only spending limited time at your house I wouldn't charge rent. Let him buy his own food, and do his own washing etc., It sounds like he might move in with his girlfriend soon.

I think a lot of us feel that many of the currrent young adult generation have been led to believe & even encouraged to believe that ' you can have it all' so it comes as shock to them when they realise that yes you can but it comes at a price. I am convinced that those of us who were born after the 2nd world war are far happier & even grateful for what we have because we don't aspire to the ' we must have it all' syndrome. So in that respect I feel sorry for them because they have been fed a lie & become depressed & stressed when reality sets & they realise that they can't.

When they started earning proper money, I charged my DSs £100 pm or 10% whichever twas the smaller.
DS1 who earned quite a lot quibbled. I told him that if he didn't like the arrangement, there were 3 of us in the house, he could pay 1/3 of ALL the bills! He never made a fuss after that!
Both the boys have later thanked me for charging them - it made them think about what was being spent, and bills, etc.
Horses for courses.

I don't understand this 'we must prepare our children for the real world by taking money off them' business. If you need the money then fair enough charge him rent and make sure he pays it. If you don't need the money then ask yourself why you want him to pay. If it's the principle stated above it is a bit of a joke, young people know just how hard it is to survive financially today. If you are doing that then why not save the money for him? Otherwise why bother charging? presumably eventually whatever you are worth will be his one day.
It might be a good idea for him to do his own shopping and learn to find his way around a supermarket. You never know he might even learn to cook!

We charged our kids a realistic rent once they started earning which they paid without quibble because we pointed out that if they left home, it would be much more expensive and Landlords tend to not renew contracts if your rent is intermittent. They did their own washing but were included in meals unless they said they didn't want one. When they left home, they got their rent money back to help them with a deposit on a rented flat or to buy.

Imagine if your son did,nt live at home and was renting a place independently.His landlord would not give him a discount on the rent for the nights he was at his girlfriend's. As he works opposite hours to you and it's hard to sort out this face to face he needs to set up a standing order in order to pay his way. Perhaps he could eat the same meals as you do when he is at home and get something different himself if he chooses to. Whatever rent you negotiate with him you will have to be firm about it and maybe your DH could have a word with him also. It is often a wake up call when adult children finally fly the next and they then realise the real cost of living. You,re not doing either him or yourself any favours in the long run by letting him drag his heels over this.

If your son lived in his own flat/house and went away for a week his landlord would still expect full rent, I dont see whats different. OK he hasnt eaten at home for one week but you have asked for input on the shopping list and offered to buy food for him to take to his girlfriend. I would keep it at full rent or give him a reduction for his third of the food bill.

This can be something of a thorny issue in some cases. Getting money out of our children when owed it is never easy. We can be far too soft. In the big bad world bills, quite simply, have to be paid. If you don't debts will accrue!
If you fear you are not being fair, and, more importantly, can manage without any part of his money, why don't you put aside an amount and save it in a separate account. You will then have something to use when, and it definitely will be when, he asks for help in the early years of living independently! But DO NOT TELL HIM you are doing this, let it be a wonderful surprise sometime down the line!
A member of my family did this with her Child Allowance, and over the years saved a sizeably nest egg for when her children were trying to get together a deposit for a house! I, however needed every penny to get to the next pay day....but such is life!

I think most of us at 23 were married and running our own homes. I can fully understand parents wanting to help their children but I also think it is part of good parenting to teach them about fiscal responsibility. If he has a full time job then he should shoulder some of the financial burden, albeit a reduced one.

I do agree we shouldn't mollycoddle them too much, however tempting - they need to learn the realities of life for their own good.

If at 23 he is living with you on a long term basis, instead of choosing to get his own flat, then I'd charge him each month. What you ask is very reasonable, it's his choice if he stays away a lot.

I too would be tempted to reduce it, but I think you should stand firm and ask for the full rent, for his own sake. That's what a landlord would do.

You could stash some of it away, unknown to him, then when he does move on you can give him a little gift to help.

I wouldn't like having to ask each month. I would have one conversation where you explain you don't like the current set up, insist that he sets up a direct debit now or gives you the money on pay day without you asking.

I must admit that when my adult son came back and stayed for some months, I didn't charge him.He didn't have a job, was in a bad way, needed parental help. It's different if it's a permanent arrangement and they have a job, in my opinion.

He has to pay his way that is all there is to it..........the 'man child' should only exist int he Jungle Book. What sort of partner/ husband will he be if the thinks treating people like mugs / lying about money etc is OK

Get a grip you are not a charity.

I think you've got it about right and it's simply that you want him to organise a S/O to avoid the monthly "can I have the rent conversation".

I honestly can't remember whether or not I charged my 2 rent! Too long ago. Possibly a nominal amount.

Both my two had always 'worked from the age if 13 (paper rounds) and then at 15-16 supermarkets at weekends/evenings. So we never gave them pocket money as such.

Both are brilliant with money management and had saved (to my surprise) for deposits on their first homes.

I wouldn't have wanted the market rent from them ..... Adults or not, they were my children and I preferred to make life easier for them if I could afford it. As to utilities, the heating was on whether there were 2 or 4 of us in the house, the washing machine was always on so more economical with a full load, council tax was at the time paid on the property so no difference how many lived there ........ Etc etc

I definitely wouldn't have wanted to make their lives more costly so that I pushed them into moving in with the current girlfriend/boyfriend!

All mine knew is that they were earning ..... So no chance of a loan from mum and dad if they overspent. My DS/DIL moved into a new house last year, very expensive as NW London. It's made me very happy that occasionally we've been able to surprise them with a cheque when they've had expensive work done ...... You can't take it with you and who else are you going to help financially if it's not your own 'kids'.

I earned £10 a week at my first job in the 1970s with £3 going to my parents. But they were desperately hard up. Somehow I still managed to buy shoes in Bond Street .... Life was easier back then.

Remove the food and bills element from his payment and just charge him for the room, for as long as he expects you to keep it reserved for him and full of his things.

I agree with moobox. We do the next generation no favours at all if we don't prepare them for the brutal fact of life that nobody can just coast through giving excuses for not actually facing reality. Propping them up for too long thwarts independence and gives them the green light to feel they have 'spare' money for things like holidays, as I have seen in the cases of several friends. They go without and feel they are doing the right thing by giving their adult children a cheap life - and then moan when they discover those young adults have spent any extra money on designer clothes/glasses/holidays and haven't actually saved a penny towards future accommodation.

Every family is different and you should just go with what feels right for you. If you can afford it then I would be tempted to cut him some slack. Either that or put a proportion of the £200 into an account and give it back to him when he's needing cash for a flat/house deposit. For what it is worth, we don't charge our 23 year old any rent (he just pays for own car/ phone and picks up extras from supermarket most days). However, I know that he is saving the bulk of his salary to help buy a house in the future; might think differently if he was blowing it all!

Go to the bank ask for a standing order form stand over him while he fills it in and drop it into the bank simple

What about looking at prices of local B&B and going from there if they charge £35 per night or £50 a night sit down with him and ask him if on the night he stays at home he should pay this price. Then he can buy ALL his own food and may even decide to finally move in with the girlfriend she probably feels her food bill etc has gone up whilst yours maybe going down.

I'm afraid I agree with paddyann if he's not there, why charge him at all? Unless of course you were hoping to rent out his room to a private lodger in which case he will have to make up his mind where he wants to be.

Nowadays there's a generation of young adults living with parents for financial reasons, but I suspect it is often also for an easy life avoid of responsibility. Letting them treat it as a hotel does them no favours for living in the real world, assuming they don't stay for ever

I still do a fair amount of washing for my DS,DDiL and the children and often get presented with a black sack of the worst stuff. I don't mind in the slightest really as I know how hard it is for them working full time, 3 little ones etc. I wouldn't dream of taking any money from them for the service.

In answer to the OP if your son is barely ever at home could you not cut the rent down to reflect this? He is your son after all and not a private tenant or lodger. I'm afraid I have never taken money from my kids for board. My DD went to uni away from home and only came home for a year before moving out full time. My son left home and moved in with his girlfriend at 20 (he was still an apprentice and on the breadline) if anything I paid him to help him out, not the other way around.

I think adult children who are still living at home and not in full time education should pay their way. We a are giving them a quite unrealistic view of the world if everything is given to them. My children paid a third of their income on board and lodge so this was fair whatever their earnings. Even if you save the money to help them later with house deposit etc they are paying their way. I think £200 may be a bit much if he is not there often but if you reduce it then he can't expect to have his food order supplied.

if he's not there most of the time and he's not eating there why would she charge him rent?

Loved the "what is this ironing of which you speak?" No.2 son arrived home on Wednesday evening from Dubai, jetted off to Spain at 5am Thursday after asking if I could possibly iron his shirt for the wedding (not his) next weekend.
Now...........where did I put the iron?