"We just have to count it as another day done towards the healing", I said once again to DH. "It has been 48 so far", he replied.

Synonymous Wouldn't you think changing a bed was essential ?

Synonymous adrenaline got you through the initial shock of the event. Now DH is home safe and recovering you have relaxed a little and been overwhelmed by the enormity of what happened. You need to cry sometimes to release that anxiety and move on to the next stage. Don't ask what help is available - make a list of everything you find at all difficult and tell them. You may not get all the help you'd like but remember you are both saving the NHS and Social Services a lot of money by looking after each other

harrigran making a bed is not deemed essential according to the powers that be but changing the sheets should be!

I think you are right Swanny and I have found time to take a deep breath and relax a little. I think it took quite a while to process it all and then the "what ifs" come flooding in. So important to remember that the worst did not happen, thank God!

We have been bowled over by the sheer kindness of all the staff involved in care of DH and appalled at the conditions in which they work, particularly the sheer lack of the "frontline" staff.
We are very aware of the shortfall in the money needed to provide social care to enable patients to get back home and the effects of so called "bed blocking". This is part of the reason that DH was busy telling everyone we could manage but I feel it is counter productive if it means he is at home and we can't manage because there is then nowhere to go. We are happy to pay someone to come in and help but there does not seem to be a way/place to find someone with recommendation and who has been vetted for safety reasons. Everyone would appear to be intent in avoiding any blame which is quite understandable but makes it exceedingly difficult to get the help we need. By the time we find out where to access any help it may well no longer be necessary - I hope! Anywnay, another day nearly over!

Synonymous

Would a cleaner once a day just for an hour help you to get the house straight (including the bed!) in the morning? Our cleaner changes our sheets, super king size duvet cover etc which is a godsend. Do you send your washing/ironing out? Likewise delivered ready meals, is it Farmfoods which Ronnie Corbett used to advertise. Or "Cook" or "Deliveroo" if you want to go upmarket.
You have got a basinful and I would say you need to tap into all the help you can get for as long as you need it. I wonder if your insurance could not make a claim against the other party for some of the expense incurred?
Unlike your experience, we found a rep from the Stroke Association really helpful, also occupational therapy from the hospital after DH had a stroke. They had some good ideas some of which we don't need as I am able-bodied but it can take a fresh pair of eyes to see potential danger areas or suggest simple ways around problems - perching chairs, shower stools, grab rails, things to help put your socks on, a trolley to move things from one room to another etc.
Good luck!

I do find a good cry helps when things really get on top of me - and I can certainly see why you would need one. I agree with the poster who said make a list of all the things you're struggling with so that if/when the subject comes up again you are well prepared. Is there anyone local you could ask for a recommendation for a cleaner/helper? Please come and 'howl' on here as often as it helps

A good cry is good for you - and your eyes. It's as good as Optrex so don't try and put if off!

When things go too much for me - nothing as bad as you're contending with but lots of long term disasters coming from different directions - I found lists to be invaluable. List what help you need as it occurs. Write it down immediately. Lots of little things like changing the sheets can add up and enable you to see what help you need. From making lists I progressed to keeping a daily record which morphed quickly into a diary. Pouring out my frustrations on paper in addition to keeping records of progress helped a lot and reading it back a while later made be feel quite chuffed as to what I'd coped with.

I agree with MawBroon if you can get some domestic help even if its short term it will make life easier. I am in this position currently and my husband was dead set against getting a cleaner. I went ahead anyway as its too much for him with animals, housework cooking etc. I can relax a bit now knowing the beds are changed, ironing done etc.
Take one thing at a time and have time out for yourself as well.
Bon courage.

I keep telling everyone to be a patient patient because time is all we have. Recently I have had to practice what I preach and it ain't easy. So I empathise with Synonymous and the difficult time they are going through as a family. But things can only get better over time.

Bless you, what a shock for you both and so glad he is on the mend sending my good wishes to add to everyone else's.

A cry is very useful releases all sorts of chemicals and exists for a reason.

Are there no vol. services you can tap in to for a bit of propping up just for a while, we have village agents in Somerset who are council based, but work in communities and have details of all on offer.

Maybe if you could pay someone just for a while? Family might help with that if they can't be there in person I am sure they'd want to help.

I wish you both well.xx

Look after yourself too xxx

I just want to add my best wishes to you both and wish you well. ⚘

A good cry is not at all pathetic, just natural with all the stress. Good luck

I am sure you are not at all pathetic. You've both had a traumatic event and it's bound to be difficult to cope with. With being at home now your recuperation is continuing so don't beat yourself up about it. You can't snap back into action instantly. So be gentle with yourselves.

You've been through an awful time. It's bound to have a profound effect on both of you. It's hard to put it behind you and look ahead when you are still both struggling in different ways in the present. Wishing you both a speedy recovery.
On a more practical side, if you haven't looked here already, try www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/help-at-home/finding-help-at-home/
There is a lot of practical advice here, and if you keep scrolling, there are suggestions for different scenarios. They mention organisations that have to be vetted etc.
Hope you find a suitable solution.

Having a good howl is good for you. About six weeks ago I fell down our steps and really hurt myself. I was alone at the time and came back into the house and really howled! After fifteen minutes I had got it out of my system. If someone else had been in the house I would have bitten my lip and tried not to cry.

Wishing you and your husband all the best x

Sending you best wishes for a speedy recovery. How horrific for you both. Nothing wrong with a good cry ' Hugs' x

I think you're being absolutely brilliantly Swanny but you're probably still in shock with having to hold it all together for DH. Cry when you need to. Whoever said to make a list of what you need was right and accept everything, otherwise people will think you're coping when you aren't. I hope you have friends you can chat to or email or text. I wish I could come and sort that bed out for you! xx

I feel so sorry for you, synonymous, you are going through a terrible time! Have a really good howl - it will make you feel better. Probably better not to do it in front of your husband - I expect he feels like having a good howl too, but is trying to be strong for you, just as you are trying to be strong for him.

Thanks Caro DH (balancing on one leg)helped me with it this morning so we are sorted for today. I have told him that when the next Olympics or World championships are on I am going to enter him for the hopping events in the GN parallel games. He says that should be a pushover as he won't be contending with the broken shoulder, pelvis and vertebra by then.
I reckon he is getting above himself as he has just had the plaster cast off his arm. Very weak just now but such a neat incision where they put the plate in. We have very skilfull surgeons around thankfully, just hope the leg/ankle will be as good. He has a meccano set in there!
We are both feeling better today, it must be the lovely warm sunshine.

I have supported and looked after my Father who died at 97. We are supporting my inlaws at the moment who are all in their nineties. We have had to live with them all at some point, as they have gone from crisis to crisis.

What we have learnt from all this caring is:
Down size when you can. If you live in unsuitable housing( stairs, remote, large gardens etc) who is going to look after them when you can't? Your poor children? Move to somewhere with a small outside space.
Live near a hospital. I have lost count of how many times we have been at the nearest hospital with either one of them.
Clear all your collected paraphernalia out ASAP as NOONE will want it and clearing out a whole house is exhausting.
Make sure you have a clear will and give someone you trust power of attorney.
Live near a shop if you are unable to shop on line.
Have some frank conversations with your family about what you want to happen. They may be too inhibited to speak about it. Discuss the money!!!!
Understand the law regarding care.
If a financial assessment is needed, the assessment can only be made on the person needing care.
My DH who is very bright, checked the Social Services financial assessment done on his Mother, against their criteria. ( they had hundreds and thousands of pounds from her first) and found loads of mistakes. When he pointed them out, they gave up trying to get more money out of us.
The first thing Social Services asked us is in all cases is ' Have they got a
house'? They did not ask about their health.
Not one of our old folks did any planning for their old age. Which quite frankly is stupid and selfish. My DH and I have driven hundreds of miles to tidy gardens, sort out paper work, clean, make hospital visits and listen to the same old stories over and over again.
I love these people but their heads have been firmly buried in the sand.
No one wants to get old but PLEASE please do some forward planning.
My sympathies are with you OP but you cannot get by on a wing and a prayer. You need to be sleeping separately for the time being.
It may be that your husband will never be able to care for you again, and so perhaps it is time to think about going into sheltered accommodation together. You could make the choice now. In a few years down the line it will be your children making the choice.
for you. We had to do all the research for nursing homes for my MIL and it was exhausting.

Thank you jáne for all your suggestions and I would agree that they are all things very well worth thinking about. Most of those we have done already fortunately and are fairly well placed going forward. This situation we currently find oursfelves in is hopefully temporary and we will get past this very hard stage. The leg is the key to it all and if it heals well enough to eventually weght bear then all will be well. The surgeons have done all they can and it is now just a matter of time so we are absolutely and totally relying on prayer!

It's not pathetic to be unhappy about horrible things that have happened - it would be rather strange if you didn't. Also, to have a 'good howl' is most therapeutic. It lets off steam and calms you. At least I find it does although it takes a week for my face to get back to normal.
You have had a frightening time and I wish you both a speedy recovery, and perhaps if the sun shines every day this week, as it is doing now, that will make you feel better.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery to your DH, and please get as much help as you can, you need it, hugs x x

Wish you both well, take it a day at a time.