"We just have to count it as another day done towards the healing", I said once again to DH. "It has been 48 so far", he replied.

Thank you all so much for all the kind thoughts and good wishes as well as the many good ideas which I will be investigating.

Ruby how the time flies by, I didn't realise your surgery was due already. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

What a horrible time for you. I am so sorry.

Not a substitute for practical help following assessment - but sometimes voluntary agencies such as AGE UK will provide a bit of extra assistance - like a volunteer - perhaps a fellow gardening enthusiast? - to sit with the more ill/disabled person at regular intervals to provide company and to allow the other person an hour or two to get out of the house/go shopping/ get their hair cut etc.
Also, if your DH continues to need 24 hour care for a while you may be entitled at some point to respite.Find out what you can get, get a GP referral, and take what is on offer when you feel able to at regular intervals. Family members can keep in touch/visit when you are away to make sure all is OK.

It is not uncommon - for formerly active and capable older men especially needing care - to be unaware of the burden this places on their other half over a period of time, and to be unwilling to have outside help. They do not mean to be selfish, probably, but the outcome is the same.All this attitude does is to wear out the partner, to the extent that they risk having a breakdown. If this last happens, then the husband has no choice in many cases other than to be looked after by strangers - and probably then not in their own home - for a (possibly indefinite) period of time. This is the last thing they want, and it is much more costly to a health authority than providing short breaks for respite and enabling the carer to keep up morale and cope better.You especially should make sure you do not lose sight of your own needs.

In the authority I worked for prior to retirement, respite could be claimed for up to 16 weeks a year depending on the extent of the need for support.And couples could apply to have breaks together in hotels geared up to deal with disabilities of all kinds.You may not be ready to think about this at the moment, but it helps to have something to look forward to. And don't lose touch with your friends.

Do make an appointment talk to your GP about YOUR feelings and your fears. S/he may have some useful suggestions to make. Good luck.

Hi Synonymous, I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it but Age UK do a home from hospital service so it may help to get in touch with them. They do a befriending service too so this could help if someone came to see your husband while you took yourself off for a long soak or whatever to destress a little.

It's a good thing that you are letting out the fear and frustration of it all, otherwise it could result in more illness in the future.

See at your library, if you still have one, for any group where there is support offered for people who have reactions to these sorts of things or even the PTSD helpline. Don't underestimate what you have/are going through. Practical help is good but emotional help is needed too.

I had a good cry last night over the upcoming surgery, it's not easy and needs to be done but it doesn't stop the worry and the fear of the unknown. Practically I am trying to get things in place but even leaving the dog will tear me apart.

Good luck and I wish you both a gentle recovery.

Synonymous and best wishes for your husband's speedy recovery. I think you've handled things remarkably well as just the shock of an event like that can be fairly overwhelming.

Thank you Janeayessister for that comprehensive check list. We've achieved most of it although we still manage to have too much Stuff in my opinion - but not in his! We're also now in the process of putting our house into a trust. The DC all get on well and it should save a lot of hassle when the time comes if they have immediate control.

Being sorted and having our 'affairs in order' is actually quite liberating.

U are right, all doctors now have to turn it round so you are asking for specific help, rather than them offering it. Remember, in order to help your husband u have to have help yourself and he needs to understand this. It might help him accept help if he knows it is for you. My husband had strokes a few years ago and it can take a long time to recover. We had a bad car accident last year, hanging upside down, and I was exhausted for weeks after, due to trauma and shock. The older you are the longer it takes. Good luck, and do take all the help you can even if it's just till you improve.

Wish you both well, take it a day at a time.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery to your DH, and please get as much help as you can, you need it, hugs x x

It's not pathetic to be unhappy about horrible things that have happened - it would be rather strange if you didn't. Also, to have a 'good howl' is most therapeutic. It lets off steam and calms you. At least I find it does although it takes a week for my face to get back to normal.
You have had a frightening time and I wish you both a speedy recovery, and perhaps if the sun shines every day this week, as it is doing now, that will make you feel better.

Thank you jáne for all your suggestions and I would agree that they are all things very well worth thinking about. Most of those we have done already fortunately and are fairly well placed going forward. This situation we currently find oursfelves in is hopefully temporary and we will get past this very hard stage. The leg is the key to it all and if it heals well enough to eventually weght bear then all will be well. The surgeons have done all they can and it is now just a matter of time so we are absolutely and totally relying on prayer!

I have supported and looked after my Father who died at 97. We are supporting my inlaws at the moment who are all in their nineties. We have had to live with them all at some point, as they have gone from crisis to crisis.

What we have learnt from all this caring is:
Down size when you can. If you live in unsuitable housing( stairs, remote, large gardens etc) who is going to look after them when you can't? Your poor children? Move to somewhere with a small outside space.
Live near a hospital. I have lost count of how many times we have been at the nearest hospital with either one of them.
Clear all your collected paraphernalia out ASAP as NOONE will want it and clearing out a whole house is exhausting.
Make sure you have a clear will and give someone you trust power of attorney.
Live near a shop if you are unable to shop on line.
Have some frank conversations with your family about what you want to happen. They may be too inhibited to speak about it. Discuss the money!!!!
Understand the law regarding care.
If a financial assessment is needed, the assessment can only be made on the person needing care.
My DH who is very bright, checked the Social Services financial assessment done on his Mother, against their criteria. ( they had hundreds and thousands of pounds from her first) and found loads of mistakes. When he pointed them out, they gave up trying to get more money out of us.
The first thing Social Services asked us is in all cases is ' Have they got a
house'? They did not ask about their health.
Not one of our old folks did any planning for their old age. Which quite frankly is stupid and selfish. My DH and I have driven hundreds of miles to tidy gardens, sort out paper work, clean, make hospital visits and listen to the same old stories over and over again.
I love these people but their heads have been firmly buried in the sand.
No one wants to get old but PLEASE please do some forward planning.
My sympathies are with you OP but you cannot get by on a wing and a prayer. You need to be sleeping separately for the time being.
It may be that your husband will never be able to care for you again, and so perhaps it is time to think about going into sheltered accommodation together. You could make the choice now. In a few years down the line it will be your children making the choice.
for you. We had to do all the research for nursing homes for my MIL and it was exhausting.

Thanks Caro DH (balancing on one leg)helped me with it this morning so we are sorted for today. I have told him that when the next Olympics or World championships are on I am going to enter him for the hopping events in the GN parallel games. He says that should be a pushover as he won't be contending with the broken shoulder, pelvis and vertebra by then.
I reckon he is getting above himself as he has just had the plaster cast off his arm. Very weak just now but such a neat incision where they put the plate in. We have very skilfull surgeons around thankfully, just hope the leg/ankle will be as good. He has a meccano set in there!
We are both feeling better today, it must be the lovely warm sunshine.

I feel so sorry for you, synonymous, you are going through a terrible time! Have a really good howl - it will make you feel better. Probably better not to do it in front of your husband - I expect he feels like having a good howl too, but is trying to be strong for you, just as you are trying to be strong for him.

I think you're being absolutely brilliantly Swanny but you're probably still in shock with having to hold it all together for DH. Cry when you need to. Whoever said to make a list of what you need was right and accept everything, otherwise people will think you're coping when you aren't. I hope you have friends you can chat to or email or text. I wish I could come and sort that bed out for you! xx

Sending you best wishes for a speedy recovery. How horrific for you both. Nothing wrong with a good cry ' Hugs' x

Having a good howl is good for you. About six weeks ago I fell down our steps and really hurt myself. I was alone at the time and came back into the house and really howled! After fifteen minutes I had got it out of my system. If someone else had been in the house I would have bitten my lip and tried not to cry.

Wishing you and your husband all the best x

You've been through an awful time. It's bound to have a profound effect on both of you. It's hard to put it behind you and look ahead when you are still both struggling in different ways in the present. Wishing you both a speedy recovery.
On a more practical side, if you haven't looked here already, try www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/help-at-home/finding-help-at-home/
There is a lot of practical advice here, and if you keep scrolling, there are suggestions for different scenarios. They mention organisations that have to be vetted etc.
Hope you find a suitable solution.

I am sure you are not at all pathetic. You've both had a traumatic event and it's bound to be difficult to cope with. With being at home now your recuperation is continuing so don't beat yourself up about it. You can't snap back into action instantly. So be gentle with yourselves.

A good cry is not at all pathetic, just natural with all the stress. Good luck

I just want to add my best wishes to you both and wish you well. ⚘

Look after yourself too xxx

Bless you, what a shock for you both and so glad he is on the mend sending my good wishes to add to everyone else's.

A cry is very useful releases all sorts of chemicals and exists for a reason.

Are there no vol. services you can tap in to for a bit of propping up just for a while, we have village agents in Somerset who are council based, but work in communities and have details of all on offer.

Maybe if you could pay someone just for a while? Family might help with that if they can't be there in person I am sure they'd want to help.

I wish you both well.xx

I keep telling everyone to be a patient patient because time is all we have. Recently I have had to practice what I preach and it ain't easy. So I empathise with Synonymous and the difficult time they are going through as a family. But things can only get better over time.

I agree with MawBroon if you can get some domestic help even if its short term it will make life easier. I am in this position currently and my husband was dead set against getting a cleaner. I went ahead anyway as its too much for him with animals, housework cooking etc. I can relax a bit now knowing the beds are changed, ironing done etc.
Take one thing at a time and have time out for yourself as well.
Bon courage.

A good cry is good for you - and your eyes. It's as good as Optrex so don't try and put if off!

When things go too much for me - nothing as bad as you're contending with but lots of long term disasters coming from different directions - I found lists to be invaluable. List what help you need as it occurs. Write it down immediately. Lots of little things like changing the sheets can add up and enable you to see what help you need. From making lists I progressed to keeping a daily record which morphed quickly into a diary. Pouring out my frustrations on paper in addition to keeping records of progress helped a lot and reading it back a while later made be feel quite chuffed as to what I'd coped with.