Why is the Mother of the Groom treated this way?

DS got married 14 years ago so memories fade but I do not remember any problems at all. From the time DS and DDiL announced the engagement the two families have worked as one and more or less see themselves as one.

Nope. When my son married last year I was perfectly happy to acquire a super DiL and a lovely extended family who love my son.
When my daughter marries next year I'll be very aware of that and make sure his mum is not uncomfortable.
When my other daughter married it was very different as her wife's mother had died just the year before.
In came step-mum, my ex's 2nd wife, who did her utmost to help us support our new DiL. It doesn't have to be a war and we all realise we're very lucky.
By the way I checked at a very early stage the colours to be worn by the bridesmaids and the MiL so there was no hassle.
Haven't got round to reading the Groom's Mother advice as we're all different and no one rule fits all.

Yorkshiregel All the things you mention simply come under the heading of Unacceptably Bad Manners. I have never heard it suggested that the groom's parents should be treated as less important than the bride's – even in the days when it was traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the entire affair. Giving instructions about what the groom's mother should wear is exceptionally impolite. The only time it might be sensible to mention anything about clothes is in the unlikely event of both mothers having bought precisely the same outfit.

Not experienced this myself, but I know two 'mothers of the groom' who have been cold-shouldered by future DiL's side of the family at the wedding and in both cases this has been a portend of things to come in following years. One has been banned from seeing her grandchildren and the other has very limited access.

It's a danger sign.

As the parents of a son and 3 daughters, all now married, we have survived 4 weddings ( 2 within one month, 2 separate countries and cultures), have adapted to the needs of the other family in each case, and in two cases to our detriment, but always with the intention of making the new (to us) families feel valued and included. Not always easy, but for the love of our children, we have plodded on.
Starting a shared life is hard enough for our offspring. They can do without parents who take offense. If something truly troubles, then discuss it in a sensible manner.

I wish we could get away from the whole idea of 'The Perfect Wedding' as some sort of performance event that needs to be choreographed with specific roles. It should just be about two people vowing to be true to each other for the rest of their lives and their families and friends coming along to support them. Do have a great day, wear your best clothes and let the bride dress up in the dress she feels her most beautiful in....but please stop all these rules and regulations based on old ideas founded on out-dated patriarchy. People nowadays lead completely different lives (thankfully) and women should not be 'given away' and families are multi layered and complex. It should all be about love and hope.....not old fashioned social dogma! (dismounts soap box)

Great post Hilda - absolutely agree.

I agree with Anya and have some knowledge that this is indeed the case in a lot of families.

I also agree with you Hilda although the perfect day comes from the bride herself in most cases.

I too know a mother of the groom who was sent back to the shop to change her outfit because the bride's mother had already decided that she would be wearing pink and so the groom's mother could not. The outfit was changed to a soft pale grey. On the day of the wedding, brides mother turned up wearing..... pale grey! Grooms mother's actually asked, at the wedding, if she would mind going home to change ! Of course, she refused, and that set the tone, not only for the wedding day events but for many, many months after. Ridiculous way to behave.

It's not been a problem for us because DS hasn't married yet and DD's mother in law was in America and too old to travel, so it was just us. I'm sure that when I married 46 years ago both sets of parents were treated exactly the same. They had all contributed to the wedding so why wouldn't you?

I have never known of a wedding where what the MoB and MoG wear has been discussed or caused a problem. I obviously don't go to weddings where such things matter, and thank goodness for that.

My wedding was about me and my husband. End of. We did not go out of our way to make anyone unhappy. In fact we tried to make it a nice day. Which I hope we did achieve.
But I don't like my MiL so I was not going to make what was a wonderful day for me less perfect by involving her in things that were special.
So I went dress shopping with my mum, my mum got ready with me in the morning.
If her son wanted to involve her then he was more than welcome to involve her.
But her happiness on my wedding day was not my responsibility.
I agree that asking someone to change their outifit is in very poor taste and just rude.
I can't even remember what my mum wore and I helped her choose it.

My DIL invited me along to the dress shopping with her and her mum, how lovely was that?!

My sons are all single but at my nephews' weddings my sisters-in-law were treated equally with the brides' mothers and my mother did her best to include my mother-in-law in the arrangements.

I have two daughters and at their weddings both grooms mothers were involved with everything ,

At DS's wedding in America, we stood alongside DiL's parents and were asked by the celebrant to solemnly undertake that we would all do our best to support DS and DDiL in their life together.
We have all done this together and have become good friends over the years since that day.
Surely that's what parents are for, to support their ACs, not indulge in petty disagreements and jealousies about wedding attire.

Our sons, their wives and families have made no distinction. Our daughters in law included us as much as was geographically feasible. The photographers however were definitely biased. 'Special' Mum and Dad photos were just those of the bride's parents at one wedding, at the other there are superb individual phofos of the mother and step mother of the bride, none of the mother of the groom. Doesn't do much for the self esteem! It was a wonderful day and our son and daughter in law were obviously delighted to include us but when I look back at the photographs I am a little sad. Fortunately we know we are equally loved. Weddings can be a minefield that's for sure.

My daughters each thanked their mil-fil for contributions made by mil-fil.

The MoGs attire was selected appropriately. I believe the sons in law may have asked their mums and dads for some assistance with groom attire and duties.

Each daughter had what she viewed as a perfect wedding.

Weddings can be pleasant events with no MoG unhappiness, if no overthinking crops up.

It's my opinion these articles stir up problems where none are present.

Me neither Anne and thank goodness for that!

traditionally ,here at least ,the Mother of the Bride is one of the most important guests at a wedding ,she generally has either a car for herself or travels with the bridesmaids and has her photograph taken alone before entering the church,her husband/partner will arrive WITH the bride .However tradition is dying on its feet with the arrival of a lot of American customs e.g.,feeding each other cake ,throwing the bouquet etc.a s photographers we have always made sure the grooms family get equal coverage so always take a shot of the groom with his mum before the service , alone with his dad and family groups with brothers and sisters ,and then with all those and partners added .Wedding are about FAMILIES ,or they used to be ,now Brides seldom accept advice and its more the 2its my day so its my way" attitude .Thats when there are difficulties ...if the bride specifically says no shots of so and so then we need to heed her..its her who pays the bill ,but its a sad way to start married life,excluding your future husbands family ,doesn't bode well for a happy future

I have done this 3 times with my 3 DDs and the "other" mother was always fully involved, welcomed and appreciated.

When my son married 3 years ago we were all included in plans. My dil parents are divorced and they too put oon a united front for her.....both sets of parents contributed . No issues at all....cannot comment on photos as after ceremonies photographers camera broke...so we have church....and meal photos all family ones lost. Dil was so upset...but there was nothing that could be done!