Why is the Mother of the Groom treated this way?

I am just so glad DS and DDiL did not go for the big white wedding abiding by all the silly 'rules' people have made up over the years and which are not rules at all, just ideas dreamt up by bridal suppliers and social snobs. DH and I also ignored all the shibboleths when we married.

paddyann the weddings you describe, with all their 'customs' and 'traditions' are exactly the kind of weddings I most dislike.

I am soon to be the step mother of the bride and I have to say that I have asked my very lovely step daughter what her mother and future MiL are wearing just so I don't clash in any way. Seems only right that they should choose what colour they want first.

Maybe if people just eloped to Gretna Green their marriages would get off to a better start

Only my eldest son is married and he and his wife paid for their own wedding (as did we 45 years ago) so no arguments about who paid for what. The only request from son was that my outfit preferably should not clash with the colour of the bridesmaids dresses and men's waistcoats. I'm pleased to say speeches were kept to a minimum and certainly NOT one by the bride.

My DiL's mum was thrilled to have a wedding to organise and who could deny her that pleasure? I was never overlooked and was asked to make suggestions for the guest list. I did a reading during the ceremony and at the reception both mums were presented with lovely bouquets. I am good friends with my DiL. Her parents were easy to get on with and it was sad to have to attend her funeral last year. I'm so glad that DS1 married into that lovely family.

When my son got married I wasn't involved in any of the planning, I did however make all of their favours to their design and provide the materials. This resulted in a beautiful bouquet on the day and a thank you which was exactly the same as DIL's mum. Too be honest I'm not sure I really wanted to get that involved at the time as I had my own busy life. That probably sounds selfish but I was in my mid 40's and working full time with a toddler, mid divorce. So the fact they just got on with it suited me!

Very different to when I got married! My mum tried to involve my future MIL in decisions despite the fact that my parents paid for everything, including the clothes I stood at the altar in. She wasn't interested in meeting up with my mum unless my mum went to her which mum did, to then be given a list of demands. Etiquette used to dictate that the brides mother bought her outfit first and then told the grooms mum what colour she was wearing to avoid a clash, even that was done the other way around. By the time the wedding day arrived my Dad was offering for us to go abroad and get hitched on our own and cancel everything already in place. Had it not been for my darling Nan I was very tempted!

Needless to say relations with the MIL were strained forever and I vowed never to be like her! My DS assures me I'm not so that's good enough for me ?

I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. I do not expect to be as important part of the life as my daughter in law Mom.

Our eldest son got married last August. I was clear from the beginning that if they wanted my help they just needed to ask, however I didn't want to interfere. I understood the difference between the Mom/daughter relationship and Mom/DiL relationship.

My ex deceased MiL was a terrible woman to deal with and I always swore I would be the total opposite of her. Whilst I am not like her I think I have always gone to extra mile to be hands off because of her behaviour.

I was very close with my late Mom who helped me bring up my 4, as the ex was abusive, so my Mom's help was very much needed also.

I believe that treat as you would want to be treated. I was quite happy just sorting our outfits and getting my side to the tailors for suit hire fitting.

I was a little miffed by 1 thing about the wedding and that was that my husband (2nd as I am happily remarried), and siblings and our Grandson weren't invited to the main fitment as her side did the main. That didn't bother me as I knew there was only so much room however the fact a groomsman and bridesmaid were invited to the first set when there was no need for did niggle me, a bit. I know it wasn't done out of malice. I didn't say anything.

The upshot is we have a very good relationship with our DiL and her Mom, Dad and family. I was surprised to be asked to do certain things for the day, like a reading at the wedding and to say grace at the reception.

I think it is down to personalities of people and how they are with people.

I dont expect to have the same amount of involvement in Dil and future DiL lives as I would with my daughter.

The old saying of ''my son's my son until he gets a wife, my daughter my daughter all my life'' springs to mind here.

By being hands off I believe we get more. However I do know some families do treat in laws badly.

Fortunately and if you knew the whole story you would know why, my 2nd husband is Dad to my 4 he didn't have to be so we didn't have an ex to contend with has he is way out of the picture thank goodness as he is a waste of space, which was the conclusion my children came too and they wanted nothing to do with him.

The 1 who would create the most problems at any wedding or family do would be the ex. That's why as only my daughter has any contact with her biological Dad I doubt I will get to do all this with her as I think her and her bloke will just slip off 1 day and marry on a beach as she knows too well that her Dad would cause problems.

That's just my experience

I am quite sure these articles make trouble from nothing. My dds had lovely weddings and I'm sure 99% do.

No - no problem at all-fab floral arrangement oresented to me as well as Mother of the Bride, i even went with future DiL to choose her dress. She and I have a great relationship and i also get in well wuth her parents. I sometimes think these articles just seek out trouble where there is none.

Not my experience either. Our son marries this June and our future DIL has already taking up her status as additional daughter. Our own DD is delighted to finally have a sister! The more I read on GN the more I appreciate what a very fortunate family unit we are. Long may that last.

Winter wedding MOB (me) in red, MOG in red, bridesmaid in red, most of the guests in red, no preplanning but very festive.

It almost feels as if a quick nip to the registry office and drag in a couple of witnesses off the street is the way to go! So much distress caused by these events it almost seems it would be better not to bother!

We were lucky that all our DDs' weddings were great fun - and very moving at the last one as DH managed to make a brilliant speech in spite of his worsening PD - we installed a mic specially - we were all pretty well overcome by that.

Sadly it's not always the case Teddy123 that daughter turn to her parents. Our DD's in laws are extremely controlling and paranoid that they would lose a son when he got married. MIL spent most of the wedding night bending my ear about the rhyme " a son is a son until he takes a wife" ( too much drink) She was determined it wasn't going to happen to her. We didn't realise the manipulation that has been happening for some time. DD's MIL and FIL are wonderful and we are treated like second class citizens unless we are spending money.

I should add as I can't edit they were both earning adults so paid for their wedding and ' dos ' themselves Perhaps that makes a difference if the brides parents are paying maybe they expect more input

When our DD married a few years ago I suggested that she invite her MIL to the dress fitting so she could see the dress before anyone else. Her MIL has only sons so I knew she would never experience this herself and I thought it would help with the bonding between DD and her new additional family. MIL bought her outfit first and my DD told me her Mil was "blending in" for the photographs letting me know that's what she wanted me to do. DD was too busy to shop for any outfit for me although I travelled the country for her dress. DD said she would never get the chance to try wedding dresses on again and so she wanted to try as many as possible.. DD also told me that she didn't know what all the fuss was about mother of the bride. Although both families paid for the wedding we still paid for many other things including a £2,000 wedding dress. MIL and FIL took over and what they said should happen at the wedding did. We on the other hand said nothing and went along with it because it was our DD day but it's still one of the most memorable occasions for all the wrong reasons. So much unnecessary hurt caused. If people can't get along and be kind to each other for one day there is no hope.

When my son got married I didn't notice any difference maybe I wasn't looking I didn't expect or want to be part of the brides shenanegans I couldn't even tell you if I was sitting in the right place or not it was all just a celebration that I took part in and enjoyed

When both my sons got married I went with the mothers of the bride to choose our outfits together & had some nice days out!
I never felt I was left out of anything & was invited to all the weeding fayres & dress shops with bride's family.
As I made the cakes I did get a special mention in the speeches but both my DS said a big thank you to me for all the work I had put in too. Having said that I did get on very well with my DiL's families & still do. I am very fond of my DiLs too.
I think I was just very lucky in the girls my sons chose who came from very nice families with good manners!
There is no arguments about who babysits the children now either.
Having read this thread I am counting my lucky stars!

I haven't read all the responses so apologies if I'm repeating other posts.

I thought my future DIL was a lovely young woman until the engagement ring appeared. They used to come down & stay constantly and she really got me on side etc. I had a MIL too so I understood her moving the goalposts sooooo far that we could no longer see them.

Moving on .... The wedding took place in Italy, all very lovely BUT from the photos you would be hard pressed to know we were there. I felt very sad but in the end we found it hilarious. Counting through hundreds of proofs to see if we were in any of them. I didn't blame my son because he was so "in love" and ensuring that everything went without a hitch, I doubt he would have noticed.

A month after returning home there was a massive party for friends and family who hadn't gone to Italy. This time I was prepared and as soon as we arrived I grabbed my son to ensure we would get some lovely photos with the bridal couple etc.
Good job I did because we didn't get asked again.

They now have a baby and obviously I understood that due to geography her parents would see more of the baby. The girls parents always do .... It's natural.

We try our best to be kind generous and understanding and never ever say a cross word about DIL. As for my sons new inlaws, rude jealous people but as long as they are kind to my son, who cares. The last time I spoke to the MIL was on the day the baby was born some 8 months ago. I rang to congratulate them on their new grandchild. "I'll call you on Friday" she says! I'm still waiting for the call.

There is no question of any of my DDs treating their MILs as second fiddle at all. The grandchildren are very happy with their assorted sets of grandparents and all the wider family share in their care.

For various reasons the other day one of my DDs changed her mind about me looking after one DGS and the "other" GM did it instead - she was worried that I might be offended but I said very clearly - it is not a competition, you have to do what is best for your children at any particular moment.

I read and have experienced so many in law problems, I am starting to wonder, is there some kind of evolutionary benefit to finding the in laws ways unpalatable?

Poor mother in laws get such bad press, It's nice to see some positives on this thread. We often walk a thin wire that's for sure.

But I do agree with OP, mothers of boys tend to (not always!) have to take a back seat, and weddings can bring out the worst of it :-(

My son's thanked us profusely at their weddings with " my wife and I would like to thank my mother and father" I felt very privileged to view my DiL dresses and have some input into their weddings. In a way I enjoyed being the mother of the groom more than mob at my daughters wedding. Less stress.

I went to a wedding once where the bride's mother and the groom's mother were wearing almost identical outfits in exactly the same colour! A bit of liaison beforehand would have been a good idea, but they did live in different countries!

My DiL included me and my DH in all of her plans for their wedding and even invited me to two of her hen do's. Her Mother and I discussed and agreed on our respective wedding outfits. Both sets of parents contributed to the costs and both Mothers received a bouquet and thanks during the speeches.Her family are lovely and include us in their family events and vice-versa.
My DD's MiL & FiL also received full inclusivity at her wedding. My DD was with me when I got my outfit and she was aware what her MiL would wear and that we were unlikely to clash as we are different generations and have different taste. The photographer kindly took photos of all of the parents with the Bride and Groom (being me, my husband, my ex-husband and his girlfriend and the Groom's parents).
Both weddings were delightful and all families get along really well and there is a feeling that we are all one big family joined by our children and now grandchildren.

my mother in law didn't come to my wedding! my husband [now ex but that's another story] was her only son. my father in law was there and my sister in law was one of my bridesmaids but i felt that it was too much of an effort for my mother in law to be there.
unfortunately that set the scene for the rest of our marriage [25 years].
i was called a hypocrite when, at our last "public event" before we separated, my niece's christening, i chose to receive communion .......... mother in law didn't believe in having children christened so wasn't in a good mood anyway.
she wasn't a very nice woman and my relationship with her was not a good one although it did have it's high points but they were few and far between.
i always felt that i wasn't good enough for her son but he seemed to think i was!

So sorry that it's been difficult for you. However, I don't think it makes a difference if it's the mum or MiL who makes problems, for bride or groom, I think it's all down to personalities!

One of my darling stepdaughters got married, I have been her stepmother for many years, and I was delighted to be one of their two witnesses along with a friend of the groom.

We all agreed approx what colours, more or less to wear, including the bridegrooms mum and family.

The wedding went well and I don't know of any problems BUT nevertheless the bridegrooms mum has made it VERY, VERY clear that she is the proper 'MUM' and 'NANA' for the happy couple and their baby, and she is VERY controlling in many, many aspects of their and their baby sons life.

I have kept my mouth shut (except to my friends!) and thankfully all seems well but I do at times feel I'm doing a difficult balancing act re the MiL. It would be VERY interesting to know what she really thinks of me and why she gives the impression that I'm an incapable twit!

Hope it all goes well for you, please don't get upset at anything, and we all hope that the happy couple have a wonderful day and a perfect start to their marriage - we are the participants, not the main players, in their marriage and their life. ?

PS I have found so many of these posts helpful for me personally - at times I do feel completely excluded by the MiL and its great to see how other gransnetters cope with the difficult 'other'. I get on with my life and enjoy my work, family and friends and doing what I can, when asked, for my stepdaughter and her family. ?