Why is the Mother of the Groom treated this way?

Thank god our 3 DDs had grown up weddings in which they did things the way THEY wanted! No MOB or MOG nonsense, the mothers of my SILS played as much of a part in the doings as I (not very much, apart from making several miles of bunting for the youngest's wedding!) The DDs and their partners planned their highly individual ceremonies, the reception venues, the cake(1chose not to have one, one was given it as a wedding present and one had it baked for her by her youngest Sister!) the caterers, the flowers, photographers, (basically the lot,)often involving talented friends.
DH did his speech in each case, but other than that we turned up, smiled for the pictures, and thoroughly enjoyed the proceedings without any of the bridezilla shenanigans you hear of in horror stories.

When my DS got married my DIL asked me to the trying on of her wedding dress, included me in the plans for the Reception and decorations and invited me to the Hen Night which I really enjoyed. She has a Mum, Dad and 3 sisters and I am a single parent so that was really thoughtful of her. She even asked if I wanted to make a speech at the wedding.

Sadly the marriage broke down after 4 years but I still have contact with her eg for the children's parties, babysitting etc. I am also close to DS's new partner. Both are lovely girls (women)!

Ooooh yes!
Sons wedding two years ago my daughter (bridesmaid) and me felt very looked down on, no reason but the other mother and daughter showed their true colours and made us feel small and not important at all. Very rude.
In three days time I will be mother of the bride and I am loving it, haven't met his family as overseas but we are hosting a welcome meal for both sets tomorrow so they will know they are welcome and to seal the union between our kids.

Why would the dil be making a speech? Surely it is up to your son to thank everyone in his speech.
Other side - I remember a bridegroom being late and the bride had to drive away from the church and then when the wedding video came out it showed his mother deliberated delaying his departure. That was never a good mil, dil, relationship.

I was the bride's mother and I ensured that her MIL was treated as well as I was. Anything other would have been extremely bad manners as both sides helped to finance the wedding.

I don't remember saying anything to any photographer about what shots to take. Surely if they are experienced professionals they will be looking for the most pleasing photos to sell as many copies as possible to all sides of the family and not exclude anyone. Although if it's a friend taking the photos I can see that wouldn't necessarily be the case.
For our own wedding and our childrens' there were family groups and couples, then everyone as well as the obvious B & G, BM and bridesmaids.
Cannot ever remember a wedding where the bride did any of the formal thanking speeches either. If the groom forgets to include his parents in his speech that's between him and his family and no fault on the bride's side as she may not have known what he was going to say anyway.

Although I agree with most of what has already been said, has anyone who said there were no problems actually asked the MOG if they agreed? I have 3 sons and have been a MOG 3 times. I have been perfectly happy with all the arrangements that have been made in advance of the wedding although have never been invited along to the dress shopping etc., but always went to the hen parties and get on brilliantly with all DILs. BUT the MOB is always treated slightly better on the day itself especially with photos etc. and that must partly be down to the photographers who take lots of extra photos of MOB and the Bride. Let's face it, it wouldn't occur to most men if their DPs weren't getting quite as much attention and therefore feel a little less important. We have always thoroughly enjoyed all our DS's weddings regardless.

We paid for my son's wedding as my DiL's parents are separated and could not afford it. I have to say they all thanked us profusely and we felt extremely appreciated by all. It was one of the best days of my life. I think it is more about the people concerned than what place they hold in the family.

I had a friend who took against her MIL to be and was touchy and apt to be offended around the woman, who was admittedly, hardly Mother Theresa. It all ended in my friend's husband being cut out of his mother's will and losing his third share in over £1millon, not to mention poor relations between them all when she was alive.

I remember thinking that this was far too high a price to pay for the luxury of playing the victim instead of being tactful and that, to an extent, it served her right.

In my own case my MIL was far ruder and more interfering and intrusive but I forced myself to see things from her point of view. I wasn't, ostensibly, a catch for her middle class son being a working class girl from a divorced, single parent family. Over the years she came to see that as a teacher and a hard working, faithful, respectable, decent person I wasn't the worst choice he could have made.

Over those same years I came to see that my MIL's abrasiveness came from being a very clever, larger than life personality who was thwarted in her choices in life and who needed to be in control. I also saw that both of my in-laws were decent, generous people who wanted the best for us and wished us well.

My own DD has somewhat the same feeings about her b/f's parents who are older and very controlling and old fashioned. However, I have tried to get her to see that they are good people and if the two of them get married I will do my best to see that the MOTG and the FOTG are on the top table both literally and metaphorically for everything to get the marriage off to a good start. A MIL is not just for Christmas. As for squabbling about outfits! Isn't that what teenagers do?

I think husband's DS will have to be physically restrained from going on about his dad 'being his rock'. Give him a few drinks and he gets a bit OTT as he doesn't often express his gratitude to his dad.

Me, I'm the stepmum, but have never been taken for granted, eg when helping him with his advanced degree work software stuff, etc.

Wedding is at end of July now, and they have already had our DGD and I hope I will be spending time having her whilst DIL's German mum gets all the attention with so many friends of the couple to meet she does not know. I will ask closer to the time what colours are OK or whatever. It's DIL's day after all. MIL will be having to buy in Germany, so I do not worry about any clashes or duplications. Plus, MIL and DIL often bicker, so will leave them to it!

Looking forward to being laid back about this... no up front centre wanted!

It's a lot of work to organise a wedding, let them get on with it. Try to just enjoy the day. The guests will know who you are.

My DD & SIL married in Vegas at the request of SIL because he knew his DM would be a nightmare & after their 1st born she showed no interest & sadly haven't spoken for over a year he has tried to build bridges but it's her way or nothing

DH and I with my DDs (7 and 5) had been staying with his mum since my marriage broke down. My second time around my new MIL and her parents sewed the dresses, made and iced the cake, FIL (then living on the outskirts of Amsterdam) organised flowers, drove the wedding car and lent us his flat for a honeymoon and our favourite restaurant did the wedding breakfast at a ridiculouly low rate! We appreciated all the help and support given by everyone in my new family and, although we've long since lost the grandparents, MIL is my big sister substitute and we remain devoted to one another

My own wedding was tiny. Our consideration for my husband's mother was NOT to invite her ex's second wife, who was heavily pregnant with their second child.

I went outfit shopping for the big day with my middle daughter's MiL to be as we get on famously.

Sure there is no hard and fast convention? It must vary with each individual wedding.
I think the OP's DiL was incredibly rude not to thank for all the help but maybe it was a nervous oversight.

Whatever, the real relationship begins now.

Years ago it was traditional the brides parents would foot the bill for their daughters wedding.My parents were to give me a no expense spared day.It was unfortunate my intended father in law was rushed into hospital two weeks before our wedding for an emergency op.He recovered but was to stay in hospital, unlike today where they have you on your feet and out in days, for how long we would not know.This put a damper you might say on our wedding preps but as he was out of bed and doing very well was not critical and very cheerful he gave us his blessing and to go on with the wedding MIL was not what you might say happy about this and let us know her feelings.FIL would miss his only sons wedding, true.I do believe had the expenses of our wedding been shared our day would have been canceled.Our wedding photos of MIL speak for themselves. She became a fantastic gran.The jury would remain out on the status of a MIL.

So insensitive I got married in 1968 my mil was lovely she had a cream suit for my wedding and I asked what colour buttonhole she would like because she and my mum were getting a special wedding one, she asked for white roses and it did not lovely on her suit I have an old black sand white picture of her from my wedding and it looks lovely.
She was a lovely lady she raised 8 children one being my ld man x

When our son got married last year we were not included in any wedding arrangements all organised by dil mother controlled it all it was only 2 days to her own wedding anniversary same place same guests dil mum even wore white my husband and I were invited but none of our family ! No explanation as to why we were not welcome we did not even appear in official photos

Was "excluded" in both cases with my sons. Hurtful and in one case as Anya said was a sign of things to come. You can't compete, or would want to with a jealous dil mother. I think now my son realises would took place but too late to do anything about it now.

Helen is your annoyance not more with your son?
A majority of couples I know the woman does take control of the majority of planning.
However why didn't he contribute to the guest list?
Why didn't he speak up on the day with regards to the pictures?
He must've been OK with it as he went along with it.

When my son married 7 years ago my DiL came with me to choose my outfit, no problems from her parents. Wedding was lovely & 2 GC later all still happy & fingers crossed stays this way!

My son and my (then future) DIL chose her Mum and me as their witnessses at their wedding. It was a lovely gesture and much appreciated by us both! We both had an equal role and pride of place on the day. I agree with many GNers above that weddings nowadays can be too much about the 'big day' and too little about the people involved and the commitment being made.

* threexnanny* with around 4000 weddings under our belt as professional photographers I can tell you that quite often we are told NOT to include people in the photographs .We always meet with the B &G a few days before the wedding and ask for special requests ,such as B with best friend or godmother etc ,but more often its we dont want HIM in a family group,take this without partners ,we had a MOB a few years ago who told us her daughter wasn't "old enough or sensible enough" to decide which images went in her album and MOB took TWO YEARS to organise it herself,usually making appointments and turning up an hour or more late....by the way that Bride was 28 , she was pregnant and had a school age son,Her mother in all her "wisdom" also didn't want ANY pictures of the brieds dad incuded.The bride disagreed and would come an dchange the layout ,though she had said her mum had final say !! Its a minefield ...believe me

Menopaws I love your post. I agree, both Mothers are important and should be treated with equal respect.

ajanela My son did make a speech, but his wife to be made an extra one for her Mother, which was very nice, but made me feel like a spare part.

So pleased that most posters on this thread were included in the weddings, however some Mothers of the Groom certainly are not. Does it hurt to say 'Thank you' to the MIL even if you don't mean it. I think it sets the stage for relations in the future and leaving MIL out really hurts, and causes embarrassment for her. Is it because daughters are closer to their Mothers and men perhaps just do not think of the consequences?

I was one of the first brides to refuse to say 'I will obey' because there is no way I would have kept that promise. I chose to say 'Love and cherish' instead. Perhaps anyone reading this thread might think twice about leaving MIL out of the 'thank you' speeches?

paddyann, that says it all doesn't it. If a girl is old enough to get married she is old enough to organize her own wedding. Very revealing post, I didn't realise how complicated it could be for the photographer.

I am happy to say that as mother of the groom I was involved in every decision, including shopping for the bride's dress along with her mother. My DiL gave a short speech at the reception and thanked my husband and me for welcoming her into the family. On every occasion we are including in the same way as her parents.

At my son's wedding when it became time for the 'all family and friends' picture to be taken (orchestrated by MOB) you can JUST about see the top of my head at the back of the crowd.