Why oh why?

This does seem to be a man thing. My ex was forever sending out round-robins to his contact list warning of the latest danger we need to be alert to. They were always Urban Myths and I replied with rebuttals from Snopes.com

He doesn't send them to me anymore, thank goodness.

It seems he is now, unbelievably, a fan of Farage and Trump - don't know if there's any connection!

Buy yourself a Mac/iPad and tell him they are rarely subject to the type of things he is worried about

Hard on you - really difficult to deal with. I would shut myself away, in the bathroom if necessary, and then tell him later that the sky didn't fall in as a result and you will be using skype again. If your computer is protected by anti virus there is not much more you can do, and 'won't let me' is such a worrying phrase when applied to a relationship between two adults. What might be next? Sorry you are having such a frustrating time.

I must confess that on reading this headline my first reaction was, “Why doesn’t he want her to communicate with her daughter?” If I’m seeing “reds under the beds” where none exist I apologise, but on the other hand perhaps it’s because in my lifetime I’ve endured (and survived) more than my fair share of control freaks, and you get to recognise the signs. Is it really to do with the safety or otherwise of the internet, or is there some other reason? We’re not told how far away the daughter lives, or whether she’s a stepdaughter for example. When people’s behaviour resists all logic, perhaps another angle is needed. Could a friend’s computer be used, at their house, or even the local library?

I doubt, Luckygirl, if this is really about the computer at all. Your DH is bullying you and you need to get him to back off. If you choose to Skype (WHO DOESN'T SKYPE, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE?) on your laptop then it is nothing to do with him. Bugs on the old Internut happen. Buy one of those bug-cleaning programmes from a computer shop if the DH is that bothered. They are about £30 and he will have to pipe down if you do.

I am saddened by all the evidence of controlling and bullying that men do for which women seek solace for on Gransnet. It really is a problem. My own DH (and I do love him dearly) gets very controlling but I just confront it and get him to stop. He knows I would go nuclear if I had to. It's horrible as I hate rows and confrontation but a life being dominated by a mean, whingeing, carping, controlling man is not worth contemplating.

An idea to get round the Skype issue.
Buy a really cheap 2nd hand laptop. Put ONLY a browser on it and Skype, then only use it for Skype.
Your husband can then be reassured that, even if you did pick up a virus, there is no information on that laptop that is any use for anyone thinking of identity theft etc.
(I've actually stopped using Skype to talk with my son in Australia as I find that Facebook messenger is better and easier. If you would rather do that, then open a new e-mail account on your 'new' laptop using Google or similar, open an FB account in the name of your choice - Jane Smith if you like - then again, just use that to talk with your DD).

Lucky girl, you mention that your OH has Parkinson's. It is possible that his paranoia is due to psychiatric/cognitive which occur in some people with PD. You could mention it to the doc. Whether or not this is the case, I would say that you should resist being drawn into unreasonable demands. Good luck!

Buy yourself a tablet...he can't moan then...hahaha

I do wonder why women choose their particular partners in the first place because all I seem to hear is them moaning about them. You must see signs of behaviour you don't like in the early days when you can do a runner more easily!!

So glad my ex did a runner, or as I put it after 40 years of living with him, wandered off.

My husband is exactly the same Luckygirl - drives me mad. He deals with all the finances on his computer and has had a couple of scares with malware, so I Skype my daughter in Dubai on MY laptop which has no financial details on it and he joins in to speak to her.

The fear around computing is overdone for so many of us as we have learnt how to protect ourselves. Nevertheless the media are constantly reminding us of the dangers. So it can be understandable when someone thinks all the fear is justified.

You cannot manage without your internet connection. It can even become a lifeline. Why not try a different approach: get your daughter to email you 'begging' you to skype her as she wants to see both of you onscreen.

Whilst not defending your husband's laying down of the law, there are security issues with Skype. katerussell.co.uk/essentials-skype-security-risk/ has a fix down the bottom to better protect you, suggest you print off the article, show it to him, and offer to put the necessary tick in the box?

Nothing is truly safe online these days, we all have to do our own risk assessments. Without wishing to be alarmist, I am far more worried about the data collection from Facebook 'likes' and Twitter postings, which along with your Google searches can build up a far more accurate profile of you than perhaps even your spouse is aware of! - and these profiles are sold on, or used to manipulate what you see online. There have been suggestions that this was how the American election was swung, I couldn't possibly comment.

If you don't care what the world knows about you, then there is no reason to worry, and the younger generations certainly will just accept the lack of privacy, it doesn't bother them. It is only us oldies who want to haul back on the reigns.

Interesting that you say he has PD. My husband had it and over the years he went from being a bright and breezy darling to being anxious and suspicious about a lot if not most things. Does he have a PD nurse you could talk to or a neurologist? The PD forum would also help I should think. The sort or anxiety you are dealing with is very debilitating both for the person with it and the carer. You need to look after you. I always told my DH that if I went under we both would. I very nearly did go under.

Skype is Microsoft so providing you do the security updates there should not be a problem. Have to agree about DH reading the computeractive, mine is always tweaking something after reading the latest issue which is my subscription that has now become his magazine.
Luckygirl's DH is an intelligent man that happens to have an illness which is more than likely the cause of his wariness.

Please will someone explain what PD is. Thanks

Luckygirl My mother had PD and it made an already anxious person even MORE anxious about everything. She was on anti-anxiety meds which did not interfere with her PD that helped a bit, but it goes along with the disease unfortunately.

Even the strongest person will be stressed knowing every day what their ultimate prognosis is, and wondering every day what function is going to be impaired.

No computer guru can cure this, but definitely worth a try. Sounds silly, but my SIL in the US covers her webcam when not using it. Try suggesting that for a distraction? I SKYPE all the time. I do quit and close the application completely when done as I email with my contacts when we want to chat. Otherwise my niece would be bugging me all the time!

Perhaps he feels this is one area of his life he still can control when he has no control over his body. Get a low cost tablet and load up SKYPE... go to a wi-fi cafe if you are concerned about his reaction, even to a dedicated device as others have suggested. But does he not want to SKYPE with DD as well?

My heart goes out to you... many many hugs.

Parkinson's Disease, Claudia

Oh tell him to sod off. Get a lap top and Skype to your hearts content. My son works with computers and Skype regularly.

Flowerofthewest charming....

My DH sounds just like yours Manny! It is very wearing, especially the contradicting me when I offer an opinion on something. I expect I drive him mad too though, retirement is hard work sometimes.

I think lucky's DH's anxiety is related to his medical condition/s. He is not really controlling and abusive.

Hope they sort the pigging hip out soon Lucky at least that would be one lost thing to contend with.

Enjoying this post and feeling a lot better after reading it! My "problem" with DH is I am now the only driver due to his failing eyesight but unfortunately he has forgotten that I have been driving for nearly 40yrs - school runs, long distance, snowy conditions, all over Scotland - but now even a short trip into town requires a co-driver! I can point out anything happening outside the car - someone we know, lovely scenery, new building - but no, his eyes never leave the road. The remarks about "sharp intake of breath" and "wincing" describes his attitude but I do realise it is an age thing (he is over 10yrs older than me and not happy about it!) so maybe I'll be the same come time!!

Have you tried WhatsApp it's an app you can use on your mobile phone your daughter would have to download it on to hers as well and you could face time each other, does your phone connect to your WiFi at home if it does its easy then you can do it quietly from any room in the house. It's worth a thought and he does not have to know about it

Sounds a bit over anxious to me, if you have good security on your computer then there is nothing to worry about, I use my iPad a lot but have norton and I am always doing a check.