Presents for grandchildren rejected

My DGSs have a large extended family on their dad's side and get loads of presents from them. My DGDs only have us & their auntie (my DD1) apart from parents. C'est la vie!

If the OP knew that her grandchildren's parents want to approve presents in advance and then went ahead and did what she liked thus disregarding that, I think that is the rude behaviour, not her son's telling her off for doing it.

Some grandparents seem to be all me me me; it's what I want to do and I'm allowed to; they're my grandchildren, etc. Yes, but they are not your kids and you should respect parents' wishes. Not wanting one's children to get a lot of presents at Christmas is not an unreasonable stance to take.

I've been astonished at some of the amounts of money that some people on this thread have claimed to spend on each of their GC. I used to think claims of commercialism over Christmas were exaggerated. Now I see what such claims were getting at.

The thread title could just as easily have been: Parents' wishes rejected.

I'm sure there's two sides to this. Maybe they have asked and asked not to buy lots of presents and gm just does what she want? Maybe all the please and thank you'd have been ignored? So this time son has said it straight? I would just say they are not your children and have a little respect for their parents. They may be doing it all wrong, they may be getting their comeuppance in the future but they are doing what all good parents do...they are doing what they think is right and best for their children.

It sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong. I hope your son realises one day what a loving mother he has.

I have one DGS and I have, with the agreement of his parents, invested money for him every month since he was born - v early this year. I bought him a small Christmas present - of which we will be completely unaware this year, and will continue to this for birthdays and Christmas in the years to come. He has - and will continue to have, more than enough of anything this world has to offer, and if, when he is older, he questions the level of presents I give him, I hope I can deal with it. (BTW the money markets are going his little nest-egg might just buy him a pint when he reaches 18!).
Yesterday we were at a party at my partner's DD's house at which several young children opened their presents from the extended family. It was a frenzy of grab, rip, tear, discard and move on. All of these presents had been on the children's wish-lists; web-links are circulated weeks before and they all got everything they had asked for. But they had no idea who each present was from - gift labels were irrelevant. One mother was in despair about thank you letters - clearly, vague generic letters would have to be sent. It was horrible. Far far too much conspicuous consumption and absolutely no chance of teaching the children decent values about manners and gratitude.
Christmas giving has gone too far. I'm not advocating a return to the satsuma and a
piece of coal days but I think enough is enough.
And I also think the OP's son should be impaled on top of the Christmas tree and force-fed a mixture of sprouts and New Berry Fruits.

When I was little, in the early 1950s, for my birthday my nana bought me a big Walkie Talkie doll. A new one still in her box! I was over the moon, but my mum's reaction was fury. She really laid (verbally) into my nan (her mother) saying it was too much, she shouldn't have spent all that money on me. I wouldn't appreciate it. Etc, etc. For 60 years I thought my mother was being really nasty but then I discovered what she'd really meant. My nana couldn't afford to buy such a lavish present and it left her really hard up and also, it showed up my parents. There was no way my father could have afforded such a present. It made him feel inadequate.

I feel, unless the OP's DS makes a habit of shouting at her for no real reason there may be more to his outburst than just objecting to a small box of Lego or a pot of Playdough.

Perhaps give them less next year and put the money you would have spent aside for them. And when they are grown up and say needing money for university give it to them then.
In that way you are treating them the same as your other DGCs which might make you feel better. I wouldn't mention it to the parents at present.

What these DGC need from you is to be their friend and for that you need to be in their lives.

Times have changed. When I was raising my kids in the 70's we didn't have any money and I was grateful when they got things. Nowadays with (for the most part) two working parents that is no longer the case.
I once read a story where an old man (who had been a refugee) described Christmas as"the glorious time of the great too much" I think that sums it up.
Perhaps your son had been at the Christmas Spirit when he phoned you up.
Don't let it rankle, consign it to "once a Year", like the rest of Christmas.

foxie that response was unkind! "Serves you right" is not exactly helpful, even if you do feel that the motives you describe afterwards are correct!

As they're so young they will not notice if their cousins have more: hold fire and seek approval for the next couple of years. Things will change, they always do.

I'm not a grandmother (my children are only 10, 9 and 6) but this thread popped up on my Facebook feed so I wanted to comment.

I am shocked that children would speak to their parents in this way, and upset them over something so minor. My parents and IL's both give our children what they want for Christmas, and I am very grateful for everything they give, and for their relationship with my children. My IL's are very generous as my children are their only GC but that doesn't bother me.

They won't be around forever and I enjoy seeing them happy when they are with their GC. Surely as a child that's all that matters. I know it's each to their own but to hurt someone else, especially your parents who have raised you, is awful. My MIL tells me all the time how much she loves being a grandmother and I wouldn't do anything to ruin it for her, even if it means putting my personal feelings aside from time to time.

I'm with you Happygran1964 - seven to eight presents bought for each of my grandchildren this year (of varying value - some large, some small, as well as several little things on the tree. I think your son was totally out of order - if your largesse is really upsetting them, then the time to approach this would be a few months before Christmas so you know where you are. Try telling them that you have decided to give the money you would have spent on the grandchildren to a charity chosen by son and DIL - I wonder what their reaction would be then?

Is this the time to remember that this is about two children, 3 and 4 years old. Just the age to believe in Father Christmas and magic. As luckygirl said, we've had our turn doing stockings. How would I have felt if gps had done my DDS stockings..... and at their age, possibly lucky that they don't go to school but can have freedom to play more. Many home schooled children are delightful and inquisitive. Think one of the skills of grandparenting is also knowing when to step back and not comment on how the children we brought up are bringing up their children.

Dear Happygran
You are a warm hearted person who expresses love through generosity.
My DILs have wish lists for the grandkids, which I stick to. Makes life easier!
Perhaps you could show your DIL and son that you respect their wishes. You could indulge your generous side on a bonus gift for them. Cinema tickets for them as a couple or some other treat to show you value them too.
I suspect you don't treat yourself very often. Any cash you could be spent on a pamper treat for you.
Good luck!
MaryBee x

That's very unkind of them. Maybe next year say you are spending the same on all grandchildren (I spend just £15 each) and what would they like or would they prefer you to put it towards buying a goat for a poor family in India? They sound the sort of family who might like the idea.

" I also think the OP's son should be impaled on top of the Christmas tree and force-fed a mixture of sprouts and New Berry Fruits."

Definately!!!!

Whatever the rights and wrongs of present giving there is no excuse to ruin anyone's Christmas in this way, especially for a mistake made out of love.
Feel sorry for these kids, sounds like a very strange household. Not sure how all these weird ideas on manners will set them up for the future when they are out in the normal world. Well...relatively normal

I am fairly new to this site and enjoy reading the posts. However, I can't understand why some people feel they have to respond to posts in an unkind way.
My own children never had much when they were young and as a gran,I now have the opportunity to spoil my DGD. I can see where you are coming from, Happygran.
Your Ds and DIL sound very unhappy people.

My husbands parents buy ridiculous amounts of stuff for the grandchildren at Christmas and we re talking bikes, computers etc not small things.
When we had our daughter I asked them could they please not do it with her. For one, I think your main presents should come from your parents and two, there is simply no need to have that many presents, it's ridiculous.
She was also our first and only child, we d had her late in life and I wanted to enjoy her. My husbands parents had had four children of their own and two other grandchildren to spoil, so I didn't think it was an unreasonable request.
I was told they wanted to spend the same amount on each child, so I said okay, get her a few small things and put the rest in her savings account.
They refused and instead went out of their way to go behind our backs, find out what we were getting and go one better.
In the end we unfortunately fell out very badly with them and now hardly ever see them.
So sad as a compromise could easily have been reached had they been willing to meet us half way.

I don't like talking behind my dear son's back and he was so good having me for a short period after the death of my husband.
But if you are correct, I know too well what it like, never being certain if what I buy for my granddaughter is going to pass their parents' wishes.
Poor little thing is so over protected, especially being the only child and with most of her cousins living in Africa, while one in NZ.
I believe we understand our chidlren better than they do themselves, having watched them develope, so I know why he has a short temper which is not his fault and he has high blood pressure when only 43 yrs of age. He now misses his dad so much, the only person, outide his wife and daughter, is my late husband's sister and her family. So it can be very difficult when he brings up anything just to hurt any one, especially if they are not doing what he expects them to do.

I still love him to bits though, remembering the early years

Joandblunt,how refreshing,you have the right idea,
We GPs don't always do things right,but we usually do them for the right reasons.
Communication communication communication,that's the answer.
Children will grow up much better adults surrounded by love positivity and support,even if we do get it wrong sometimes who the hells perfect anyway.

I have to abide by my son and his wife's rules for their kids. I have been a bit upset from time to time but need to respect their wishes and values. They also home school. Actually their children are lovely and appreciate their gifts (not too many!!)
My daughter buys loads of plastic tack for her kids and it just all gets broken and thrown away and her kids don't in fact get as much pleasure from their gifts. It is a tricky juggling act . Your son could be more tactful!!! Just apologise and in future get what they want you to get!!

Hi Chris,
Putting money aay for them is exactly what I had in mind for next years, This year,especially as the one in NZ has her birthday in December also. But it will make it more difficult for her having to change currency when she wants to the money and the other one seems to be returning to Tanzania after either her junior education or the entire school years have been completed in the uk

My grandchildren were overloaded with presents. They were given many more than eight presents each by one over generous grandparent. In the end the little 2 year old was seen walking away from the pile of unopened presents as their little brain couldn't take it! Less is more in my opinion.

Cath9, I believe we understand our chidlren better than they do themselves, having watched them develop. I am sorry, but I totally disagree, we cannot possible know the deepest thoughts and reasoning of anyone, least of all our children and I think it very dangerous to think we do.

We interprete other people, including our children through the filters we wear over our own eyes and I suspect. I think I understand my children well, but I also very conscious that there is much I do not understand or comprehend about them and, I am sure, aspcts of their lives they conceal from me..