Presents for grandchildren rejected

I feel for you Happygran, My daughter lives in Wales and doesn't see much of my Son and his family, why I don't know because they used to get on really well. This year my daughter bought make-up for my 11yr old granddaughter, (my son's middle one) and seemingly this caused upset on Christmas Day because "make-up is not allowed". In my mind they could have caused less upset but I get the impression that because it came from my daughter it wasn't acceptable. If they communicated more my daughter would have known this.
What makes it more upsetting for me is the fact that all her family spend Christmas day with them, even the ones who live in London. My daughter and her family have never been invited.
I have spent the last 13yrs looking after my Sons children while they work but I am beginning to think it is now time I spent some time with my daughter and perhaps found a little retirement cottage in Wales.
Sorry, bit of a moan there, but I came back to this after spending a lovely time with my daughter over Christmas.

I think your son has been harsh and quite rude. There would have been more diplomatic ways of dealing with this.

I do think for some of us buying and giving presents to children at Christmas is a real pleasure, fulfilling a need of some kind for us

I reflect on this every year as in many families children have so much stuff already, then get literally dozens of gifts every year. I know people who give away half their children's presents every year, and regularly sell or give away their existing stash of toys just to keep on top of space and mess issues. Christmas is a huge expense too, with some families getting into debt trying to buy the latest fad gifts for their child, which get discarded after a few days or weeks. Lots of presents end up in landfill, sadly.

It is sad that in the midst of this excess there are families who don't have a home, can't afford toys and have to feed their children from charity hampers at Christmas.

I don't know what the answer is really, but I try to consult my 3 adult kids about presents in advance, and only buy things they really need or want, and not get them too much.

We normally spend about £20 for each GC but the gifts are just stocking fillers, nothing of any great importance, lego add ons etc coloring books and annuals and one sweater each as you can't go wrong with an item of clothing. I always ask my son and DIL beforehand for gift ideas. Not being funny but I would give them a coloring book next year or something similar and wait for mum or dad to complain then you can say 'your' piece and see how they like that! If the kids say anything I'd tell them to take it up with mummy and daddy.

Granniannie12

MN Mumsnet
NC. Non Contact

Do you live in Wales by any chance. I may know you.

speaking as a gran who gave my grandaughters 9 presents each i think the op's son isover-reacting and actually spoiling his mother's christmas.
i love christmas as do my grandaughters and buy them lots of presents as i love seeing them unwrapping them. some do go down like lead balloons at the time but the girls go back to them after a while.
and my daughter likes to see her daughters happy too.
no, 8 presents isn't at all too many and i think the op's son definately should have a clip across his ear [as one poster said] and how dare he ring his mum to complain in the first place! if he feels they've had too much he should just have shut up and put up!

Oh dear, what a minefield. So no hand grenades from me, just some comments and thoughts.
I didn't have GPs (they all died before I was born bar one who survived until I was 4), so my parents bought extra presents to make up for this. I am not a GP myself
We had two types of presents at Xmas - Main and Tree. Main presents were the biggies and were opened on the day, Tree presents were opened gradually, some on the day, some in the week afterwards, a drip feed of treats. This worked well, and I did this for my children for many years.
Manners cost nothing, and I insist on my children (even now they're in their 30s!) saying please and thank you. I cannot bear children who do not acknowledge a gift or kindness with a simple 'thank you'. Politeness helps the world go round and is a useful tool for the future.
But generations do 'do' things differently. When I told my mother that we would be spending Christmas quietly, dog walking and eating a roast chicken she was rudely dismissive of my plans (but fortunately blames it on DH LOL).
So, on balance, my sympathies lie with you Happy Gran, and you should not allow this to ruin your Christmas. Focus on your other children's joy at having a generous loving parent, and have a happy New Year x

It never ceases to amaze me that people can be so unfeeling. Surely your s and dil could have put some of the presents away for later and, knowing what you know now, in future give the children very little and if you want to, put away some money to give to them when they go to uni/leave home/get a job. Christmas does seem to be the time for misunderstandings and plain speaking - probably because the perpetrators feel unhappy in themselves. I hope you will soon feel better about this.

Janesworth sounds like you should be a banker and let the GC lust after money money money instead of love love love. Happygran and not the loving grandmother you are. We have 7 wonderful grandchildren and we love them like WE love them NOT as we are being told to by our sons or daughter. If my daughter in law upset my wife over presents that she had brought the children I would empty my biggest grass box over her head. Cheer up it's not you in the wrong. I expect DIL mother was a skin flint and it has rubbed off on DIL.

I don't think you did anything wrong and it is natural to want all your grandchildren to have the same amount. I think they are being ungrateful and rude - it is up to them how and when the children are given the gifts and there was no reason to behave like this. All they had to do was politely ask you beforehand to limit the presents or explained what they preferred. They could also just have asked this of you for next year after politely explaining their reason. As previously said, their controlling behaviour may well backfire on them as their children grow up. Such a shame for all involved.

I've been determined NOT to comment on this post but I've simply got to! Eight presents isn't a lot, I bought far more than that for my grandchildren. They weren't stocking fillers either, most of them were good big presents that they wanted. So there!

Janesworth sounds like you should be a banker and let the GC lust after money money money instead of love love love.

Thank you for that, Gardenman.
Happy New Year to you too.

Well....... this is indeed a hot potato topic and a huge learning curve for me. I do believe I may come into the over indulgent category. I am seriously going to rethink my practice. I tend just to buy things(clothes, toys, whatever) as and when I see them. This year the stack under the tree was unbelievable. I was okay with that until I heard my son's partner comment that my younger GD was overwhelmed in that every time she opened a parcel she wanted to play with it. Amen to that BUT..... yet another parcel was placed into her hands for opening and the same confusion ensued. What a silly mess. I think S&P tolerate my indulgences with a degree of polite frustration and, thanks to this thread, I think I will try to change my ways. Thank you ladies for many of the wise practices I have read here. I'll do my best so here's hoping.

Gardenman giving stuff e.g. loads of toys, can create greed and consumerism in children too and certainly does not equal love, love,love!! Buying one special gift and quietly depositing money for use in later life seems a very sensible option to me!

It sounds like there are a lot of insecure GPs on here who seem to equate their value as a GP with the number of gifts given at Christmas!
Each family will have its own traditions, values etc. and as long as they are not causing anyone else harm there is no problem!

I can't believe what I am reading here. I thought it was a grandparents role to spoil their grandchildren.
I think your son is being somewhat over dramatic! Maybe next year you'll have to give money and a small present for the children to open and see how that goes down. Or ask first.
Maybe a sit down and talk together is the way to go, your son has made their point of view clear, though he needs to know how upset you are over the way he has spoken to you.

My Christmases as a hard up young Mum were made thoroughly miserable by my then MIL buying my daughter everything she had happened to mention over the past few months. Her presents always overshadowed any gifts from anybody else. She never once thought how other family members felt about this. It was very hurtful to all of us. I did ask her a number of times to put limits on what she was buying as my daughter quickly learnt she just had to tell Nanny whatever she fancied and it would appear. This affected her relationship with other family members and began to make her sly when she was told she couldn't have something she wanted. MIL simply couldn't see past her own need/desire to shower her GD with presents and make herself feel happy by doing this. It caused a great deal of pain & concern to others though, especially me!

I think it was very rude of your son. They could have put some of the presents away and brought them out at a later date. He could have waited until next Christmas to ask you not to buy so much, instead of spoiling this Christmas for you. I hope next year you will just buy one present if that's their attitude towards presents. I totally understand you need to make all the grandchildren who were there the same.

I don't know what the value of the presents was, but I think it's lovely to have a lot of small things to open, even if they don't cost a lot.

It'd be interesting to see the Mumsnet take on some of these comments As far as I am concerned, we have had our chance to bring up our children as we wanted to. It's their turn now and if their values are different to ours, then we should respect that and listen to them. There's no excuse for rudeness and unkindness - and the son in this case has been rude and unkind in the way he tackled his mother - but that applies equally to some of the posts on here.

I always ask my DDs what they would like me to get for the children, to avoid duplication of gifts from other GPs/aunts/uncles etc.
I usually do a small bag of stocking filler gifts to be given on boxing day when they come to us..these really are small and inexpensive things..rather like the walnut, orange and sixpence of old!

It seems they have a problem not you. If that is the way they want to bring up there children so be it. You were only doing what a lot of gp do, you will just have to respect their wishes and leave it at that.

Well i am aware that my s and dil dont like us buying too much for the gc so we tread very carefully, and even ask permission as in 'is it ok if we get him x?' Sometimes i would live to get more but think its fair to respect their wishes. I do think 8 presents as well as money is a lot actually - theres obviously many different opinions on this. Howver her son could simply have said something on the lines of 'thanks for all the presents - very generous of you, but we'd rather you didnt buy so many in future' OWTTE. He completely over reacted in a very unpleasant way!

We always seem to get it wrong don't we, I can't remember being
Like this with my parents.
I don't get to see my grandson until Christmas is over. Son in laws
Parents take that spot.
I love my children but I often wonder if I should of just had cats.
Maybe another year you could ask them what you should buy
And what you shoukd spend

When we were young we had so few presents and no books so I do tend to overdo it with my grandchikdren. My daughter's have expressed concern in a nice way but only because they want the children to appreciate what they're given. I understand, but find it very hard to control myself.

This really is a minefield especially when your DC all have different earning capabilities and different house sizes. And GPs can become very competitive. We're very fortunate in that we get on with the other GPs well enough that we can agree with them and our DC who gets what. This year we only one present for each GC of around £20-£30 and made up the difference in cash given to their parents to pay for specific things like riding lessons.

However, one of our GC is an only GC on the other side and is overwhelmed with whatever is requested which makes finding something for Father Christmas and her parents to get a big problem. Our contribution is only a token. The money is much more appreciated by my DD!

Just ill mannered. They could have put presents away for later in the year or given to a good cause. Perhaps they could consider your feelings and recognise what a kind and decent grandparent you are. Put money in an investment account for the GC
in future and give it to them when they are 18. Let their parents know what you are doing out of respect for them. I think my Christmas would have been ruined with S and DIL behaving like this. No excuse at all for bad manners and rudeness

Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong so to speak
This problem is obviously a lot deeper than just a few presents so my advice is keep your head down, let the dust settle and try and have a discussion , perhaps with your son if you have that kind of relationship in a couple of months
I have found in the past writing a letter helps, you can get across exactly what you mean (even if it takes days to write and re. Write)
Good luck.... I realy feel for you