Disgusted at daughter's cold heartedness.

& I wonder how much elder abuse there was in the past amongst adult children who felt socially obliged to be carers for parents who made their skin crawl.

I don't know why adult children who don't like or see their parents should make an exception and spend time with them when their parents are ill? Gosh when I've been ill in hospital I've felt vunlerable enough even when I was surrounded by people who liked me, I certainly wouldn't be up to being visited by people who I didn't get along with when not ill!

Who does it benefit? not the sick person, not the adult child.. just the onlookers really..

When I worked with older people I was once asked to visit a sad and vulnerable old man. He had been devoted to his wife and her death had left him inconsolable. Social Services were concerned because he was taking in lodgers and there was a fear he was being exploited by them. He had 6 children but none were able to help him (that did ring a few warning bells). I went and visited, he was frail and shaking and walked with a stick and clearly desperately missing his wife but in the end I had to say that there was little my organisation could do to help him.

About six months later I had another client on the same estate. As she came to the door she looked over my shoulder and said, 'Ooh there's that horrible Mr XXX'. I looked behind me and there was this gentleman, shuffling along with his stick. I obviously couldn't say anything about knowing him, but remarked he looked just like a sad old man. Nothing loathe she told me all about him.

Far from being devoted to his wife, he was a domestic abuser who regularly physically abused both his wife and children. He had a reputation throughout the estate, where he had lived for years as a nasty piece of work. Even in extreme old age he had been banned from his local pub for attacking another customer with his walking stick!! No wonder his children didn't care what happened to him and were not prepared to help.

This incident, and other less dramatic ones in my case work always make me very cautious now about making judgements when I hear stories of old people being neglected by selfish children.

M0nica, I've often said that evil b*****ds don't suddenly turn into dear little old gentlemen/ladies.

My friend is out of hospital..life goes on. She has to go back again very soon for an operation.Whatever the reasons it's her daughter and son's choice. If they don't want a mother, so be it. It's their loss.
Fortunately she has quite a number of friends who are there for her and always will be.
Friends are not the same as family though.She remains heatbroken.

'heartbroken'

PS .....Wish there was an edit button.

I was reminded of this thread yesterday:

I went out to help an elderly neighbour who wasn't managing to hang out his washing, I did it for him

He's not in a great state, his daughter is a GP who works about 2 blocks away. She doesn't visit him.

He seems very sweet but also not coping great at home.

I also happen to know that his daughter USED to visit, and he was vile to her partner and her kids because he thinks her partner is common. Not many neighbours know that and I don't gossip about him. They think it's awful that his children don't help and we (the neighbours) keep an eye on him.

I also happen to know that even back when his daughter was still calling in on him, his son wasn't. I've heard him be vile about his son on occasion, but most of the time he just says that "son's don't look out for you when you get older" - or at least that's what he used to say when his daughter was still visiting.

I've been here longer than most of the neighbours which is why I've seen the veil slip from time to time. He really has been unforgivable towards his family, including to children in his family, who he didn't treat as "his" because he deemed their father too low class to be part of the family.

I've known this man for years as a neighbour and as I say, 99% of the time he seems very sweet and a bit lost.

His children are not heartless at all, his daughter used to do so much for him.

I had a difficult relationship with my Mother. Nothing like the ones quoted here but she was a very hard and judgemental woman. I was an only child and she used me and my H as much as she could because it was my duty. My C were not all that fond of her but did visit on high days and holidays although those were mostly spent with us, well always spent with us until she became to frail to travel. She was in residential care by then. Her home helps and later the carers in the home thought she was wonderful. The sweetest, charming and very amusing lady. It was only family who saw the other side and never in front of anyone else. We lived 60 miles away and when I had BC I could not visit and family couldn't go either. She never told anyone why I wasn't visiting, she would just shrug if they asked her when I would be going. I know this as they told me.

On the other hand I had another neighbour (couple) who were NC with their daughter. One of them died and the other didn't cope and was hospitalised, they were dying too.

The hospital called the daughter, she travelled up, seemed to care. Visited the hospital and ran back and forth to the house fetching belongings/doing washing. Until she found out that her parents house was rented and not owned (a big house worth quite a lot but they were on relatively low rent as they'ld been there for years). She was shocked, she thought it was owned. Stopped visiting the hospital and went home. Was never seen or heard of again up here.

She was obviously a piece of work!

You never know either way.
Which is why it's best to keep out of it
Be a good friend/neighbour, but keep out of the family stuff even if you THINK you know what's going on.

When I was a young wife and mother it was discovered that my next door neighbour had been laying dead for a week. The local paper had a field day about uncaring neighbours.
What they didn't know about her was that she continuously frightened the crap out of me. My husband worked nights and her 'fun' was to throw something at my French doors late at night. In the middle of the night she would shout and bang the walls between our connecting bedrooms.
We had another one opposite me. She was found frozen to the floor because of burst pipes. Again the paper had a field day. One day there was the most awful down poor, I saw her walking down the road, soaked. I grabbed my brolly and run out to help her. She told me to F off and hit me so hard with her walking stick I couldn't use my arm for a couple of days.

Regardless of all the facts I know how hard and hurtful this can be. Several years ago I was admitted to the priory with depression and our daughter who was 19 and still living at home never visited me once in 6 weeks. I never held it against her or confronted her. It was still very hurtful as I had a great relationship with her. I hope your friend finds peace...

I agree with Elysium to an extent. Being a parent is an accident of birth not a lifetime entitlement to respect. How that parent cares for the child etc is the determining factor for this.
It would appear the children are closer to their father for whatever reason. I think the parent who leaves the family is almost always held to blame even though there may be valid reasons for their going.
It's a shame these children can't find it in the hearts to help their Mother now she is so ill.

My Dad just died and although we were close there are still things I can torture my self over - eg why did I only text him the night before he died and not ring him ?
Unless these children are totally devoid of all emotion they will be haunted when it is too late