Disgusted at daughter's cold heartedness.

Only the people involved actually know the full facts as you never get both sides of their truth. Stay out of it and just be a good friend.

Sounds sad ? if you've known the family for 30 years are you able to approach the children? Or even the ex in a hope he'll speak to them? My siblings hadn't spoken to our dad for years but did show up at the hospice before he died. Mainly because our mum, they'd been divorced for years by then, called them & suggested they may regret it. They came for themselves not for him. Good luck

i have a grown up daughter she live with her partner and child .they live some distant.away we have helped.them out out on many occasion. i will agree her. partner his very controlling and we may not like .him but for.our .grandaughter we try to keep our opinions to ourself, and they have accused us off every thing and you have to learn to arm yourself because you have been hurt so many times with there cruelty. we wish to see our grandaughter to its like an axe hanging over your head.blackmail.it is. so what ever happen children no how to be cruel to parents

Path20, I can understand that you are worried about your friend, but as some have already mentioned, you are not in full possession of the facts.

By what you've said, there have been ongoing problems for many years. This situation didn't arise over night, and just because your friend is lovely to you, doesn't mean that she's treated both her children in the same way. Sometimes, people only let you see what they want you to see. You really don't know what actually happened. Your friend may have been awful to her children, and might still be, given half a chance. I'm not saying that's the case, but you just don't know.

You say that the children only stayed with their father because he has money. You don't know that for certain, and they may have stayed for other reasons.

The fact that the son hasn't had contact for 6 years, and the daughter is only having minimal contact suggests that your friend may not have behaved in the way she should have done. It actually sounds as if the daughter is trying to maintain some kind of contact with your friend (albeit minimal), but is finding it difficult and doesn't want to get too close. If you interfere, or the daughter finds out that you are calling her names such as 'selfish brat', it could end the relationship completely.

In regards to the phone call, you don't know what was said. Also, you say:

'She just told her what a wonderful day out she had just had and to text if she needed anything.'

Why didn't your friend text if she needed something? She has chosen not to text her daughter to tell her what she wants, and then complains when she doesn't get what she wants, e.g. a visit.

It sounds as if your friend isn't being entirely truthful, or how she remembers things might not be as others remember them. I think it's best that you tread carefully in regards to this situation, and not let your obvious care and concern for your friend cloud your judgement. These things are rarely straightforward.

Path20,

You say that your friend left her husband when her children were in their late teens. In a later post, you say that your friend had a good relationship with her children for the first ten years. What happened after that first ten years that meant she no longer had a good relationship with her children? What you're saying actually suggests that your friend didn't have a good relationship with her children many years before she left her husband.

I have a friend who split with his wife and did not see his only daughter for over 20 years. He and his daughter are now reacquainted. she is married with children, so he now has grandchildren too. So never give up hope, it can sometimes happen!

I know someone in a similar situation the children are now adults and they say when asked about contact with there mother " she decided to leave us and wasn't there for us so why should we be expected to be there for her in her old age". I think the hurt goes very deep.

Monitor: The question you ask is one I have been asking myself for a long time.What happened to a loving, happy relationship after ten years? I don't know.
The children have always been lovely and well brought up.Their dad has always been there for them and you can't take that away. The daughter is a lovely girl even though I am so upset and angry and call her names. I have always liked her and she is a brilliant mother to her children. The boy is also lovely and had a good relationship with his mother.
BUT..at this moment in time I have to be there for my friend. I never believed this would happen. As others have said, it's time to move on. I hope and pray one day all will be well again.

I went through bad breakup..I ended up with PTSD and genuinely though all lies told about me would be believed that I would lose the love of my kids due to who he was. He had another woman..my BF at the time. Yet I fired no arrows stayed silent and my lot all still contact/ visit and I have good relationship..not great but good with all of them. He has token contact. I support them all,their lives, theirs to lead, their choices to make. I don't criticise their lives or choices and I show them i love them. I know I can do no more. One of mine has financialy drained me due to drugs and other issues and Ive now said no more. But I still love him and talk to him.
My brothers never visited our mum and dad or contacted not even when we needed them.
Families all different, my sisters 4 are all very close to her, they have strong family unit which I wish my lot would emulate..but you have to accept what you have and work at it.

When my husband died my grown up sons and dils became very cold and distant. If I say I'm a bit lonely or not feeling well, they blank me.

At the funeral I heard one dil say to the other one. Falconbird is still only 65 and will have to learn to be independent.

I certainly have become independent, handling my money well and moving house twice.

What I miss is warmth, just that. I guess my sons are grieving for their dad and don't know how to cope but my dils are very cold fish.

I make the best of what I have. At least they all live relatively close and I have 3 gorgeous grandchildren.

I make do as best I can.

Path20 the fact that your friend's children have turned out to be lovely, settled adults and good parents themselves should be enough for her. Maybe they are trying extra hard in their own lives because of what happened to them earlier on. Sadly your friend may have to content herself with these thoughts.
I think it's difficult to comment on the situation or get involved when you aren't in position of the full facts. My DH is in a similar situation with his mother at the moment, and although people may say "she is his MOTHER" no one stops to say it the other way round "he was/is her CHILD" purely because they weren't around when all the hurting started.

Been there. All three of my children decided to go and live with Daddy when he reappeared after a 13 year absence and a change of country. He is rich and they lack for nothing except work, which they shun as being unnecessary due to the life they lead. I hasten to add that they were NOT brought up by me to behave like this!

The children no longer speak to me and have not for 4 years; they tell everybody I am dead.

Last year I was at deaths door, quite literally, and the surgeons/doctors asked my BFF to text/phone them to say thay their mother was unlikely to survive. She did so, there was no answer, so she put the same request on their facebook pages...still nothing.

Cold hearted daughter? Think yourself lucky - I've got three of them.

Path20 your last message has been revealing, you say they are both lovely children well brought up, their dad was always there for them and you liked them both you also say the boy and mum had a good relationship, but earlier you said they hadn't spoken for 6 years, SO something, obviously you don't know about, must have happened 6 years ago which has turned both the children against her, and because it's both children who have removed themselves it must have been something significant.

Of course you must be there for your friend and give her your love and care but I don't think you should judge the children because of a situation you don't know about

I definitely don't think you should be involved in talking to the children or husband and lastly why didn't your friend answer her daughters text and just say ' thanks for texting I don't need anything but I d love to see you even if you can only manage half an hour' if she just didn't answer then the daughter won't know she's wanting and missing her

Horrible isn't it ! I feel for you having been there, done that ...daughter not spoken now for, it will be, 10 years in May next year ...have racked brain to think why, what happened > No arguments, no problems ...literally one day received message from her saying coming on holiday to see you ! Replied Brilliant, look forward to that...no further message. Ever ! text, phone calls, e mails, all went unanswered except one from her to say 'Do not try to contact me again !' talk about puzzled !!! No explanation, no discussion ....instant cut off ! Wish I knew what happened but don't suppose I ever will ....got used to it now, but still wish I knew why ! Your friend is lucky to have such a supportive friend as you !

I had a friend who split up with her abusive husband when her children were teenagers. They stayed with her and all was fine for quite a long time. Eventually, once the children were over 30, the daughter stayed close but the son became very distant from my friend and close to his father. My friend felt her son was mainly interested in his inheritance from his father and was sad about the loss of her relationship with him.

I think by now that it's more than obvious that there is more to this situation than 'meets the eye'. This is not just a case of two adult children simply not caring. Even Path20 has admitted to the fact that she doesn't really know what happened. It's all incredibly sad, but it's clear that something serious happened in the past that led to this situation.

BlueBelle and I have noticed that the daughter did offer her mum support but she didn't take her up on it. The daughter told mum 'to text if she needed anything', but as an ADULT, mum CHOSE not to text. If mum is choosing NOT to accept that offer of support, then she has no right to complain when she doesn't get the support.

I feel I must post here today I am a daughter of a mother who was quite self centered.and manipulative,she has parented me at a distance and has chosen to live a fair distance away.I have to work to keep my life together.visit when i can a,few years away from my pension and yet she is still fit drives and is lazy about her social life .I think we are known as the sandwich generation .So my dilemma is a sense of duty opposed to limited energy resources and her needs .Also knowing I was the less liked child which she now admits .My mother is . Not a,bad person I feel that she never grew past her own needs.I have to take care of my own resources and finances and yet feel very misunderstood .
...

I have only just read this thread. I think when we are young we have ideas about our own future lives and we just know we are going to have perfect families who all love each other dearly, are always looking out for each other and nothing will spoil that.
When reality sets in it is a huge shock. Both of my C's marriages have broken down, my D lives 300 miles away, my S lives a dysfunctional life and only comes when we ask for help. Neither give me the support I would really like in dealing with their father who has dementia. The early dreams of Sunday lunches all together, Christmas gatherings are just that, dreams. Modern life is changing all the time, the matriarchal life many of us grew up with has gone and we will do well to recognise that.

I have experience of a similar situation within our extended family. Mother /father split up with adult children . Mother did not want to live permanently as expat. Son/daughter v angry with dad and supported mum. Mum it turned out was an obstinate and cussed sort of person not anle to compromise etc. Son/daughter soon realised mum was not as cuddly & kind in an adult relationship as in a parent/child situation. They understood why dad made his choice. They now have a warmer relationship with dad than mum as they understand, as adults, how hard he had worked to maintain stability for them as kids. From the outside it looked like a different picture.

annsixty this isn't new. Families have always fallen out. It is just that in the digital age people are more aware of each other's problems and the British stiff upper lip is beginning to loosen.
For what it is worth my mother left my father when I was 23, married and pregnant, and I have struggled with my relationship with my mother ever since.
Eventually she returned to my father and is now caring for him in old age and many people where they live are unaware of the 35 years they were apart.
She has reinvented herself but I still struggle with our relationship.

annsixty ?

Every time I hear the phrase, " Two sides to every story", I think of my father, who always said there were, in fact, three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth, which was probably somewhere in between.

The Bodach was very seriously abused by his mother, but kept in contact because he was still afraid of her, even when he was an adult and she was an old woman. I know all her friends would say what a good mother she was, so I'm with Petra, you just never know.

Hi, my mother is 87 and does not mellow with age!
She was an appalling mother always putting me down, occasional physical abuse and she would incite my father to become very violent toward me
As a nice middle class family in the 60's and 70's this behaviour was never challenged, today I would be in care.
I do very little for my mother as I dislike her so much and I'm sure her few friends and neighbours think I'm a horrid person.
She tells lies about me to family and is very cold
There are two sides to every story.

My mother was the same, Missf. She was a bitter young woman and remained so all her days taking her spite out on all but one of her children. At the end of her life, only her favourite wanted to attend her funeral. But to the carers in her care home she was a gem. Outside of the home she put on a great act. There are two sides to every story and sometimes people only every see the sweet little old lady side.

I agree it's not new at all, can think of 2 (now sadly deceased) elderly neighbours who I was close to growing up who were not close to their own families

One was disowned by her own family for wanting to marry the wrong sort. She didn't elope and marry him against their wishes, she just wanted to. And they disowned her for putting the question to them. In an effort to heal the rift she married the man they had origionally chosen for her and had a loveless marraige until he died in old age… but by then her family had washed their hands of her for just liking someone they didn't approve of . The man she loved died relatively young, and once he died she was in so much grief that he died without them having a life together that she resolved never to see her parents if they reached out to her.

Another was more complex, in that she was in the wrong (elder abuse). Her parents forced her into a marraige with a controlling abusive man who they always defended when he was abusive towards her (their own daughter) because they were so proud of his standing in society. She never fell out with her parents, but when her parents got older she was her carer for a bit until someone found her to be abusive towards them.

I think there can be a lot of rose tinted about how families were there for each other in the past, but I don't buy it, only difference was that in the past people were ashamed to be open about it so would say their parents were dead if asked about them, rather than admitting they just didn't get on.