Disgusted at daughter's cold heartedness.

Not knowing all the facts, who can say?
Certainly there are adult children, who had a pleasant upbringing, and yet even so, ignore their parents, and those who feel conflicted between their Parents after a break up, and those who consider ( rightly or wrongly) that they just don't like their own parents, so won't bother about them.Your friend, while keeping channels open to her DD, must accept things the way they are, her DS on the other hand, has already made his mind up about the relationship he has ( or doesn't have) with his Mother.
It's sad, yes, but once she has done all she can to keep in touch, she will have to rely on good friends (like you.)

As I've got older I've learnt to keep an open mind on all family/ relationship breakups.

Yes, I agree. However close the friendship, you only know one side of things and families are complicated!

I agree with the previous posters, only one side of the story here. You say it's nothing serious, however the fact that her son has had no contact for the last six years would be pretty serious in my book. She left her children and even though they were almost adults it seems to have impacted upon them greatly. It's a very sad situation but maybe the children feel that they were rejected at a very vulnerable time in their lives? I doubt that after 17 years that bridges can be rebuilt. I really don't think her children are being cold hearted, as now parents themselves they must reflect on their own mothers decision to have left them all those years ago.

Could you let your mum lie ill in a hospital bed and not go to see her? No matter what happen d in the past.

Selfish brat who needs to grow up and think of someone outside of herself.

Nothing can be less complicated than the fact that your mother is your mother. And an adult should be able to put the past behind them and show some kindness.

Sad world.

There are, I know,two sides to the story and I do not know everything. The first ten years the relationship between the children and their mother was fine. They had some fantastic dream holidays together all over the world, just the three of them.
She has been a fantastic mother and does not deserve to be treated like this.She will be strong and with the support of all her friends she will pick herself up and carry on.She has no choice. They have and have made it, they obviously don't want a mother.

I agree with you wholeheartedly JBF. You have spoken my thoughts and the thoughts of everyone who knows of the situation. The daughter is a selfish brat who needs to grow up and think of someone outside herself.
Unfortunately the news of my friends tests are not good. She has a big operation and further tests ahead.Her children could not care less.Despite all this she loves them both so much.

You cannot generalise about a large group of people from one sad case. From working with elderly people to reading Gransnet, I have found that for every case of rifts between parent and child, there is a story of the devotion of children to their parents and the lengths they will go to help their parents.

There are two sides to every story maybe the impact of walking away and leaving them with their father as teenagers was bigger than your friend realised whatever it is seems to have affected both children
I once had a friend who to all intents and purposes was a lovely lady we all liked her she had five children and none spoke to her so something major must have happened for all five to turn their backs on her and she was the common denominator perhaps she wasn't always the lovely lady we knew

I know a few people whose mothers left when they were 17/18 because they were "grown", having stayed until then because they didn't want to leave when they were "children"

That hurt never ever goes away, 17/18/19 year olds are still kids who need their parents.. and whilst of course parents can still parent well after separation, there's something about leaving at that age that says "you're raised now, so I can do what I want my parenting is done" that makes it so much worse

IMO it's much easier when parents split when children are young (as mine did). Those who "ride it out" until the kids are technically adults end up living a lie and making the kids home life a lie…

The daughter may not in fact be heartless, she might drop EVERYTHING for other people in a similar situation.

Gosh how sad. Blame doesn't help at this stage. A lesson to us all. Relationships have to be nurtured. I'm glad she has a good friend in you.

Jingle - some mothers are really awful to their children or perhaps to one of their children, spoiling the others. A lot of hate can build up which means that just saying its your MOTHER just leaves the child cold.

I had a friend who was a district nurse and she maintained that good parents always had visits from their children and that if the children stayed away there was usually a reason for it.

Some people would rather just walk away for a quiet life.

My friend's children wanted to stay with their father.He was the sugar daddy.

We know very little about what has gone on in this family and this is a general statement I am making.

I really do feel that we should not judge if we don't know what sort of relationship and issues the OP has had in her life or what her children have been like towards her.

There are toxic parents around.

Whilst I agree with your statement Nelliemoster The fact that the original poster posted and even asks a question at the end means she wants replies So if no one offers an opinion or even offers possible solutions the post would be ignored

The original poster was talking about a third person and really there is no background at all so any answers have to be fairly vague in my opinion

Thank you very much for all for your views. Yes, it is difficult to comment on a situation where the true facts are so vague. It is true that I really only know one side of the story.
I have been so upset as I have known my friend, her husband and children for thirty years and it is hard to accept that they could do this.

We choose our friends but we don't choose our relations more's the pity. Me auld granny used to say "Wipe your mouth and move on" and sometimes that's the best solution. I have experience of estranged relatives and in the end, after making all the effort I can to redress the situation which hasn't worked, I say to myself "So what" and I wipe my mouth and move on and so should your friend. Not an easy thing to do but in the end she'll be a better and happier person for it.

I know of several people who have suffered similar estrangements to your friend and whilst one or two are due to poor parenting in their adult children's earlier lives, the others are due to a chronic sense of entitlement that their adult children have towards their mothers.
One family member suffering from this type of alienation has been a wonderful mother to her three children; two of them recognise that while the other has gone non contact. It appears she is angry with her mother for being a single parent for most of her life, not being able to give the daughter a private education, not living in an expensive area in an equally expensive house...you get the drift? And so, daughter refuse to have anything to do with her 'loser' mother who has worked full time, bought a modest terraced house when they were young and loved them all equally.
So so sad.

jinglbellsfrocks I am not able to visit my parents now because I am not well enough to travel, but even if I were I would not visit my father in hospital. I have not spoken to him for over 40 years. The fact that he is my father is an accident of birth. I don't wish him harm but I would feel more upset if one of my neighbours (who I only have a nodding and smiling in the hallway and exchanging Christmas cards relationship with) was dying.
Some relationships are toxic and are best avoided.

Path / MargaretX - although we do not know the intricacies of this family relationship. I always believed that I had been a good mum to my two children, not perfect, just as good as one can be. When my husband left after 18 years of marriage after numerous affairs, his depression and committing fraud which he got away with. I still continued to love and support my children like any mum through university, their world travels etc. My son however, married a girl who I can only describe as having a 'skewed' or paranoid character due to smoking cannabis. When DS was diagnosed with cancer, I was heartbroken for him and wanted to support him, instead due to the nature of her problem, she said some dreadful things about my DD who has never been anything but kind to her and they cut off all contact with us. I have not seen or hear from them for Iver 4 years now, despite efforts to find them. I feel as though I'm grieving as I know I will never understand or see them again. Your friend like me, can only hope That they may come round eventually or resign herself to living without them.

Sorry "over" not Iver!