Happy Hour

Two pieces of grey Tarmac are having a drink in a bar when a piece of red Tarmac walks in. One grey says to the other "don't make eye contact with him whatever you do!" "Why?” Says the other. "'Cos he's a cyclepath"!!

all good ones!

A man on a trip to London and decides to take back a tortoise for his daugter's birthday. As he has some time to kill, he goes to a cinema but the man in the box office tells him he can't bring the tortoise in, so he sticks it down his trousers and goes back and buys a ticket. Halfway through the film the tortoise gets restless, so he unzips his trousers and the tortoise puts its head out. There are two women sitting next to him and one says to the other "'ere, this bloke next to me has got his todger out!" The other one says, "oh, just ignore it, you see it all the time". "Yes," says the other, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

A Scotsman was walking down the street one day, his kilt swinging and a twinkle in his eye, when two ladies came up to him.

"We're strangers to these parts" said one of them. "Could you please tell us what you wear under your kilt?"

"I cannae tell ye", said the Scotsman "but have a feel!"

One of the ladies did so and quickly withdrew her hand. "Oh, Mavis", she exclaimed, "it's gruesome!"

"Have another feel" said the Scotsman. "It's grew some more..."

Och aye the noo! I will think of that whenever I see a man in a kilt now!( not many in Oxfordshire thankfully.)

I love this thread, they all make me laugh

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We had better get some support before someone thinks we are nuts!

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

A duck was about to cross a road when a chicken came up to him and said,
"Don't do it my friend. You'll never hear the end of it."

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

A young man goes into a Chemists to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

That's all folks!

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead while I hold these two up

WHat did the male strawberry say to the female strawberry?
If we hadnt been in that bed together we wouldnt be in this jam
Now!

This is very un pc

How do you make a venetian blind
Poke his eyes out.

How do you make a maltese cross
Trip him up

Sorry!