Happy Hour

This is very un pc

How do you make a venetian blind
Poke his eyes out.

How do you make a maltese cross
Trip him up

Sorry!

WHat did the male strawberry say to the female strawberry?
If we hadnt been in that bed together we wouldnt be in this jam
Now!

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead while I hold these two up

That's all folks!

A young man goes into a Chemists to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

A duck was about to cross a road when a chicken came up to him and said,
"Don't do it my friend. You'll never hear the end of it."

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We had better get some support before someone thinks we are nuts!

I love this thread, they all make me laugh

Och aye the noo! I will think of that whenever I see a man in a kilt now!( not many in Oxfordshire thankfully.)

A Scotsman was walking down the street one day, his kilt swinging and a twinkle in his eye, when two ladies came up to him.

"We're strangers to these parts" said one of them. "Could you please tell us what you wear under your kilt?"

"I cannae tell ye", said the Scotsman "but have a feel!"

One of the ladies did so and quickly withdrew her hand. "Oh, Mavis", she exclaimed, "it's gruesome!"

"Have another feel" said the Scotsman. "It's grew some more..."

A man on a trip to London and decides to take back a tortoise for his daugter's birthday. As he has some time to kill, he goes to a cinema but the man in the box office tells him he can't bring the tortoise in, so he sticks it down his trousers and goes back and buys a ticket. Halfway through the film the tortoise gets restless, so he unzips his trousers and the tortoise puts its head out. There are two women sitting next to him and one says to the other "'ere, this bloke next to me has got his todger out!" The other one says, "oh, just ignore it, you see it all the time". "Yes," says the other, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

all good ones!

Two pieces of grey Tarmac are having a drink in a bar when a piece of red Tarmac walks in. One grey says to the other "don't make eye contact with him whatever you do!" "Why?” Says the other. "'Cos he's a cyclepath"!!

LOL!!!

OK, no-one has asked for "The Faux Pas", so by popular demand (me) here it is.

The new footman was very conscious of his lack of education and spohistication and anxious to inprove himself, so the butler told him that whenever he heard a word he didn't understand, to ask and he would explain it.

After a week or two, the footman asked, "What is a faux pas, please? I keep hearing of it wherever I go."

"Well, James, do you remember last Sunday after church, when the vicar came to luncheon? It is common knowledge in the servants' hall, of course, that the Family are hoping for an engagement betwen the vicar and Miss Felicity. You may remember that she took him off to admire the rose garden, where he gallantly picked a rose for her. Unfortunately, it was from a bush with particularly vicious thorns, and he gashed his hand rather badly. She had to take him into the house and spend some time administering first aid.

Then, at lunch, as you were carrying in a tray of hors d'oevres on Madame's best china, she noticed his poor bandaged hand again and asked solicitously, "Oh vicar, is your prick still throbbing?" At which, you, James, dropped the tray and exclaimed "Jesus H Christ!" That was a faux pas, James, that was a faux pas."

On an old thread for 'jokes' I put this so apologise for repeating myself but it makes me smile.

A duck waddles into a pub, approaches the bar and says to the barman 'Got any bread?' The barman replies 'I'm sorry sir, we haven't'. The duck says 'Got any bread?' The barman says 'no sir, I've just told you we haven't. The duck says 'got any bread?' The barman says 'Look I've just told you we've got no bread and if you ask again, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar'. The duck says 'Got any nails?' The barman repl;ies 'no'. The duck says 'Got any bread?'

Another picture one.

Why did Miss Tomato blush? Because she saw Mr. Green pea!

Elegran LMFAO

What is difference between a randy Eskimo pygmy and a giant Nubian eunuch slave?

One is a frigid midget with a rigid digit, the other is a massive vassal with a passive tassell.

Sorry, lowering the tone.

What do you call a woman with an arctic fox fur hat pulled down over her ears?

Call her anything you like, she can't hear you.

What do you call a man with a lot of rabbits on his head?
Warren?