Treats and rewards

Without knowing the full story, it is impossible to be critical. The child may have not wanted to take part and had been persuaded. Rewards are a part of life, how many of us would have got up in the morning to go to work without the promise of a reward?

True Pompa the full story was not known. It was more the train of thought it sparked in me that I wanted to explore here. I do think there is a general trend to reward children for all manner of things that a
generation ago would have been part of life / expected behaviours.
Maybe I really am just a grumpy old woman . I also belong to a fading generation of parents who were able to be at home when their children were growing up. I worked, but within term time and was always able to be there at the beginning and end of the school day. I think children receive so much more materially now because there is more money, but are also given more so parents feel less guilty about not being there for them. My children never expected a daily treat at the school gate and weren't fed things to keep them quiet on trips around the supermarket. They had weekly treats including pocket money on a Friday, a family film / games evening - plenty of fun, but no need for a constant trickle of crsips / sweeties / fizzy drinks / something special everytime we went shopping.

i understand where you are coming from Imperfect27. I can remember when my children were small i i was at home and not working, it was hard when we went shopping not being able to buy them a little treat as money was so tight. Even a cold drink on a hot day had to be factored into the budget for the week!!! Now when i shop in the supermarket i see little ones looking at toys, sweets etc and expecting something as their right of passage, its just the times we live in and the way of life, it isn't going to change, but i do understand your point of view.

For all we know the "back story" could be all sorts of things. Perhaps the child in question is physical disabled/has learning disabilities/used to be too shy to take part/has recently recovered from injury/ who knows?
I'm with Pompa and can't quite make the leap you have made Imperfect or the connection with working mothers materially rewarding their children out of guilt.
You may be right, but I wouldn't have necessarily drawn anything like that conclusion

Imperfect has already acknowledged that she doesn't know the circumstances of this particular incident, but wants to raise the issue in general. And on this I agree with her viewpoint. Treats used to be "rationed" to special occasions or certain days of the week/month. If children are bought toys or sweets every time they set foot in a shop, they soon start to expect them, and they're no longer treats. I overheard one child recently complaining to his mother that his friends said he was spoilt, and he was told not to worry, they're only jealous. Not a recipe for a happy childhood, IMHO.

Yes treats seem to be built in as part of life these days. Its hard to come up with an actual treat for a special occasion or reward as nothing is special. I even have to keep certain things as treats for myself as they could so easily just be everyday purchases. Its even worse with the DGCs! Modern life!

I think it's the times we are living in. When many of us were young, money was tight and treats were rare. Nowadays, when parents and GP's are more affluent we do spoil our children GC far more, simply because we can and enjoy doing it.
I think there is also a subtle difference between bribery and reward.

I dont mind a treat per se what I do mind it where everyone must be a winner.

It's one thing for all the 5 year olds to get a lolly for running a good race at the school sports but what are we really teaching our children by saying everyone's a winner?

Life is sadly not like that and they will not all be the best at everything they do. My Gran used to say to us kids when we were small if we didn't do well at something ' Everyone has a special talent , maybe this xxx(whatever it was) isn't yours'.

What do my fellow GNers think?

Don't like too many treats. Having said that it is the GPs perogative to be as 'naughty' as they are allowed.

when my DCs were little, i was a full time mum, they naturally used to pester me. on one occasion when they were being too horrible, I told them that if they carried on, I would eave the supermarket without buying a thing! they carried on, I left the full trolley and came home with them. They never did it again!

I was a very naughty Mum and seriously explained to my DCs that some things were officially too nice for children! eg Smoked salmon or Thornton's chocolates. They believed it up to a certain age. It was worth a try though.

When there was a craze for yoyos my son's friend was bought a flashy model for £40. I knew then that something was rotten in the state of Denmark! Needless to say my boy didn't get a forty quid yoyo.

I don't think the odd treat does much harm but, clearly, using them to bribe good behaviour both gives the wrong message and is counter productive as clever kids will withhold good behaviour until the reward is forthcoming.

I feel that giving a gift of time, specific praise and doing fun things together is both my duty and joy. I happily buy my grandchildren treats but reserve them for birthdays etc

To use treats as rewards is also fine so long as it is in moderation. If given excessively our children/grandchildren take it for granted (and the bribery effectiveness is diminished).

DGS gets his 'pocket money' from me after Church on a Sunday, 2€, it has taken a couple of months but he realises if he spends it all on the Fair trade stall at Church he cannot buy anything in the corner shop on the way home.
A couple of weeks ago he got his favourite Nut Chocolate bar at 75 cents at Church, and then a banana and a clementine in the corner shop and was so chuffed still to have a few cents leftover.

My oldest son has some problems and we always gave him a little treat if he took part in something, we knew how much it took him to get the confidence together to put himself forward. He then went on to run Marathons so it seemed to work.
There is a time for treats.

NanaandGrampy. I'm with you. Winning is what counts (ducks for cover lol)
My DGC and my family know my thoughts on this. If I'm playing any game, I plan to win. 2nd doesn't count.

My GS's all know that Granny has 'prizes' to be given out at her discretion. They may get a prize for reading, doing a lovely drawing, being helpful etc.etc. These 'prizes' are eagerly sort and always appreciated. The prizes are amazing !!!! The last ones were 3 chocolate covered raisins but may well be one Malteser, one very small chocolate egg or something similar. (Last of the big spenders this Granny!) If they ask for a prize there isn't one as it is ALWAYS Granny's choice if a prize is given which somehow makes it much more worthwhile in their minds. They are not given out on a daily basis either !

I agree with the sentiment that children get far too much in the way of `treats` . My GC expect that their parents will buy them treats for any little thing or no little thing . My sister buys her GC something every time we go out and it annoys me because the little girl doesn`t even react or look excited , it is just expected now.
I think back to my childhood when treats were so rare and wonder what has changed . Is it because we have largely child centred households now ?
Another bug bare is the `Princess` phenomena , all little girls seem to want to be princesses , I just don`t get it .

Well said,Bubbe. As a parenting practitioner, we advocate praising and rewarding good behaviour rather than punishing "bad", and also that a reward for achievement should be time spent together, or an activity with a parent, rather than material rewards.

Completely agree with you Imperfect27. "Rewards" are handed out far too easily nowadays in my opinion! I used to work in a school and one day i asked a child to run an errand to another class room. When she returned, she asked for a sticker. I explained that sometimes it's rather nice to do something for somebody else without expecting to be rewarded.It opened up a whole conversation about helping others!
Some of the parents even bought gifts for their child so that they "wouldn't feel left out" on their siblings birthdays.

The "being rewarded for everything" attitude even seems to have extended to games on my pc. It really annoys me that when I play any type of solitaire, the score is always the same, no matter how quickly or slowly I complete it.

Here's a true story. I haven't got over it yet and it was maybe 10 years ago. A little boy in my Year 1 class had his first wobbly tooth and came to school very excited one morning with a gap where the tooth had been. I asked him if the tooth fairy had visited and he said that when he first got up that morning, his tooth was still under his pillow. He told his mum about it at breakfast. When he went upstairs again later, he found a '£2 note' under his pillow! I gently suggested there was no such thing as a £2 note. "Oh, silly me!" he exclaimed. "It was a £20 note." I used to get a threepenny bit!

Another child in the same class (a little girl) whose parents were members of a church that doesn't celebrate birthdays or Christmas (fair enough) had, instead, a 'present day' with 50 pink presents!

Lizzypopbottle OMG 50 pink presents !

Glad there is agreement and it is not just me deteriorating into grumpy old woman territory. I did make a bit of a judgemental leap at first to be honest, but probably because I see so many children getting so much. We have friends who were near neighbours until recently. They have 2 lovely children and .I used to childmind when they were little. I find birthdays and /Christmas so difficult with them because money is lavished and they really don't know how to appreciate simple things. Over the years I have bough them things like a family ticket to a wildlife park, a butterfly growing science kit, cookie jar and cookie making kit. Their birthdays are very close together and last year they visited and /I made a really spectacular chocolate cake, with candles and bought them both summer swim wear with Disney characters. Barely a thank you. Grrr.
And don't get me started on the tooth fairy....

I have to admit to always taking a book/books with me when I visit the DGC. Often they have been freebies from GN but somehow buying children's books doesn't feel as "spoiling" as other presents.
"Educational", I tell myself as I indulge my guilty habit in Waterstone's
I have also had brilliant 4 for £5 or whatever bargains at a shop called The Works for children's books.
A lost cause

You can never have too many books ( DH says) so that's why we have so many sagging bookcases.However, books for children fit that bill, they can never have too many, and I buy them as treats too for the DGC.
Yes, children in general do have a lot of treats today though.