Granimosity

Well gee thanks jingl

Hi,

I always make a point of mentioning my DGrandson's other half of the family to him. I ask him about them and include them in our conversations. We even stop by his auntie's place of work if we are passing and she comes out to see him

If we talk about how many aunts and uncles he has, he always argues with me. as he does not consider my daughter and son to be
in that list of family members, but strangely he includes his mother's friends to be uncles and aunts, even though he calls my son and daughter auntie 'R' and uncle 'P' when he is here at our house.

I suspect the other lot do not mention us at all, and I have to let it not rankle with me, but in truth it does slightly.

The main thing is that he is loved and that's all that matters, even if the other lot do not have the milk of human kindness in them wink

He can work it all out for himself I am sure.

I did have a big problem when DS & DDIL moved very close to her parents- mostly as the house prices were a lot less there. It is only 35 mins away but I was used to seeing DGS most days- a ten minute walk away. I got very upset when I was driving home knowing it would be a week or more before I saw them again & other gran would be there most days. However as the years go on it is me who has them to stay- a lot!- picks them up from school when needed & takes them out.
My other DS & family live quite close to us & the other GPs live further away & I was very determined never to let it seem I was seeing DGC more than they did as I knew how it felt. They do buy lots of presents but rarely visit so I just do whatever I am asked now.
Both DDIL are upset that their mums do not do as much as they think they should want to. It just goes to show that no 2 families are the same.
I think GC are very canny & soon see who really wants to be with them & when it is a bit of a chore.

I think the 'other granparents' are like the Engilsh feel about the French. We just don't like 'em, but we don't know why. Then when we meet up, and spend time together, find they are jolly, nice folk, who we would be pleased to have as friends. We all have the common bond, we love our 'kids' and even more our 'grankids', So what's not to like. Having had 4 children, all of whom are married, I am lucky enough to have the relatives fourfold.
They are each brilliant, in their own way. And an honour to share as relatives. Regards

I know that I'm the "other" granny for one of my grandchildren. But that's largely because I have loads to do and have chosen not to be a surrogate parent.

The other granny does not have lots to do and has no outside interests etc. She and/or grandfather go to see my grandson every single day - and then at weekends my dil and son often go to their home to visit - as that is what their whole family tend to do.

My own children are not local (other than this one son) so we just haven't ever had regular get-togethers at weekends etc. I DO grit my teeth about the reliance on this set of grandparents and wish my son/dil would build a little family life for themselves. After all, our generation won't be here forever and they need to grow in resilience as a family.

I think the relationships differ also because this is my son's baby, not my daughter's. But like a lot of things, whilst familiarity breeds love when they are tiny, so, later, when more mature, does quality - and things such as patience, listening, being honest.

I know from experience with my own children with one set of busy grandparents and one obviously doting (spoiling) set, that my children now love the "busy" grandmother dearly and talk about her and visit her quite a lot even though she's miles away.

There is plenty of love to go round - and so I know that things will be fine as this little chap grows up. I'm sure this will all work out for others too. Not being there all the time does not mean less love - and they know it.

I feel very lucky as there's no granimosity whatsoever. My DiL makes sure both grannies see the baby every week (or whenever we want) and they even bought a house half way between us both, so it is the same distance to travel for us all! My daughter lives in the US and she is very even handed with her inlaws, although they don't live in the same state and some years we see them just as often. I get on very well with my DiL's mother, all of us spending Christmas together and I'm sure she doesn't mind the time I spend with our grandson.

geeljay - I could never love my grandchildren more than my children - no matter how much I love my grandchildren I think my own children will always be my first love.

I think I love them so dearly because they are part of my children....

jingl I know it's a public forum. But it's worth reminding new members that anything they post is in the public arena.

There was that disgusting person who made very public a post by Phoenix in the nastiest way quite recently.

Agree with roses are red, never crossed my mind that I was in competition with my co grannies. We all get on very well together and see each other without DCs or DGCs. As did my parents and in laws, even after my 1st DH and I got divorced. What on earth is the point of feeling in competition, better than, worse than. We are all different and our DGCs will have something from each granny.

I live abroad and my DD lives next door to her in laws, so they are hugely supportive and helpful and see a lot of my DGCs. Do I mind? Of course not. they have a wonderful relationship with those GPs. What I love is the look on their little faces when I arrive to stay every three months and the cry of 'Grandma' and big big hugs. DD's MIL does a lot of childminding and says she is always pleased when I arrive during school holidays to take over. But we still find the time to spend some time alone together.

I am far too involved with enjoying my DGCs to think about how I might be missing out on something.

I had to laugh when my DGD ( aged 6 ) pretended that the postman delivered myself and her other nanny a Christmas card when we were both in her house together. We both oohed and ahhed over the cards and praised her handwriting and then I said "Oh dear - I seem to have more kisses on my card than Nanny Wendy" Ever keen to please us both she took the cards back and when she returned them she said "They have both the same number of kisses now nannies and I 've given you both extra because of what happened " - Ever the diplomat ! lol!
Me and Grandad live in Northern Ireland and my grandchildren are in England near their other nanny and grandpa - but thankfully we get on great and all spend time together as one big family when we visit

I am a step-grandma, and I've got a rather different problem with one of the co-grannies - she doesn't feel I have any rights at all and is horrified that her two granddaughters, both of whom I've known since they were born, call me Grandma. In the case of the younger one, she didn't even let my DH know that his daughter (her daughter-in-law) had gone into labour and been rushed into hospital, while she had stepped in to look after the other child. (We don't live close enough to have helped out ourselves).

Her mantra is "Well, it's not as if you're their real grandmother, is it" , which is incredibly hurtful as I love both girls with all my heart. Happily, the other two grandchildren have a lovely granny who is delighted to share (again I've known these two since birth).

My DH's first wife who sadly died some years ago made it clear to all that in her view I was the children's grandma in all but blood, so The Other Granny's animosity is quite hard to take.

My own mother made it very clear that she didn't ever want to have a big part in the lives of all her GCs, my sisters and I found that very hard and it still upsets me. now that she is in her 80s, all of a sudden she is asking why her 9 GCs never contact her - they don't know her!

However, all four of us have had the most amazing MiLs. They are/were (some now dead, others casualties of broken marriages but still around and still in contact) brilliant grandmas. DBH's DPs have only just sent my DD (a step GC to them) some money to help with her study fees.

I get on really well with my GC's Nanna. She is lovely, and I am so grateful to her for looking after DD when she has been very ill a few times, as I am too far away to be able to do much. She looked after each GC at least three days a week, and as they are good, kind, well-behaved children I reckon she deserves some of the credit for how they are. I have them up here for a week three times a year, she has been here too. Sadly she has been very ill lately, my DD will be distraught if anything happens to her. So will the GCs.

I'm fantastically grateful that my DGD's other Grandma is a hands on one as its good to be able to share the childcare. When her mum, my DD, split with her dad it was touch and go as to whether they would have much input in her life. Now thankfully we all get on as well as can be expected for DGD's sake and it works very well. Maybe better than if they were together as neither side sees the others' Facebook entries/photos so no Nana envy here!

When I asked my grandson which was his favourite grandma? He smiled and replied, 'Whatever one I'm with, grandma, and today it's you!'

I've never had a problem with granimosity. My eldest grandchildren don't know their maternal grandmother due to a family rift - my dil hasn't spoken to her mother for years. Her parents were divorced so they didn't know their grandfather either so we are very close to them both although not in distance anymore as they moved 2 hours away 8 years ago. As my other 2 new grandchildren were born in NZ and their maternal grandparents live close by they see them a lot and often babysit but I find that reassuring that they have a support network around them. They are lovely people and we get on really well with them - they have stayed with us prior to my son and dil emigrating so have no animosity towards them at all. My own parents were very close to my two boys as they grew up and moved to our town shortly after us so were literally round the corner. As an only child they were their only grandchildren and loved looking after them when they were younger. Their paternal grandparents had 3 other grandchildren and lived 60 miles away so didn't see so much of them but were good friends with my parents and often socialised before mine moved to us. Sadly all gone now - in some ways a relief as I know mine would have been devastated at my younger son emigrating - it was hard enough when the other one moved 2 hours away

Just "the other one" would be good; with divorces and remarriages, ours have 4! We're pretty much one big happy family, but as I'm one of the step-grandmothers, and have none of my own, one of the others does like to put me in my place sometimes. But I just love them to bits, cherish the time I do get to be with them, stand by ready to lend a hand when asked, and never never offer advice!

This will be discussed on R5 in the next hour.

Firstly I think our grandchildren (5) are so fortunate to have both sets of grandparents still alive and close by. I have found that after a while and some thought on this subject I have got to a "comfortable level" of sharing with the other Granma, even though we've never discussed it! I know now how she loves to take them to the store and buy their back to school clothes, so I have sort of moved away from this. This other Nan has the space to have them all over to stay with her overnight - I don't, but prefer to have them one at a time so we gets lots of time for chats together and one on one time. The only time I round them all up is when I take them away in the summer to Grandparents camp - an organized but absolutely fun weekend sleep over specially organized summer camp and where parents aren't allowed. The counsellors are terrific at being able to offer such a perfect weekend of freedom and fun with silly games, treasure hunts, talent shows and sing songs camp fires at night. I also throw all the rules out of the window on that weekend - they can stay in their PJs all weekend if they want - they can eat cereal every mealtime of they want to .....and forget about showers or face washing. And on the last night before camp ends I explain to them "what happens at Grandparent camp stays at Grandparent Camp" because I'm pretty sure if their parents got an inkling of the "no rules" law that is interwoven with this annual weekend they might not let us all go to camp the following year!

I should add that I have invited the other Nan to come a couple of times - but this isn't really something she is interested in, but I enjoy it because its total freedom and so much fun getting to share time with my grandchildren on their level!

Cari was very good on R5! Listeners were invited to get in touch with their experiences of 'granimosity', so I think I will listen until the show ends.

Reading through this thread, wouldn't it be a shock if GMs of the same GC were posting about one another?

This is a subject very close to my heart since my GD born 4 years ago we have not been allowed to spend anytime on our own with her,babysit her,go on outings etc. She only lives 20min car journey
from us but we only get to see her on Birthdays Xmas Mother and FathersDay this is heartbreaking enough but made worse by the fact that her maternal grandparents do all of the aforementioned and have had holidays all together. Do you risk confrontation and the miniscule amount of her we do have is taken away all together?

I do sometimes feel left out, as other nan has a car and much more cash to spare than I have.Also my son does a lot of jobs for her and I do not see him often,but then he does work shifts and if I was in trouble I know he would help,I do try to be independent. I have a grandchild with my younger son, and I do not see him often as they do not live close to me and my son is in the forces and away a lot. I get on very well with DILs mum she is very nice. But as I say she can give the girls a better time than I can,but when they do come to stay we have a lot of fun together. They all know that I am here if they need me so guess the relationships are all good.

Children are very immediate, and their favourite GPs will be the ones they are with at any given moment. So long as grandparents don't actively undermine each other ( and I have heard that some do!) then don't worry about it - it should never become an issue of divided loyalties for the kiddies involved.

No probs for us from either we get on I am not a jealous person anyway
We have daughters daughter once a week and other gp do one day. as well don't
Have sons as often as they don't live as near they see other gp more but we feel as loved we all give different things to relationships and kids accept this ?‍?‍?‍?

How lucky we are in DIL's mother (as I told DS - he couldn't have a nicer MIL).

We rarely see our other DGC's GPs as they live so far away and obviously they see more of him than we do but that's just the way it is.