Granimosity

We live at the other end of the country from both DDs and DGs. We see them all every 2-3 months and they spend time with us here - we are Granny & Grandad Seaside. We are very lucky - one sil 's parents live just around the corner, and do a lot of babysitting, enabling DD to work, and I know the children love them to bits. Always had slight reservations about the other couple - she has seemed very competitive about time and quality of time spent with them, but now she is seriously ill, and I find myself feeling guilty about my previous less than charitable thought about her, and hoping desperately that the boys don't lose their other Grandma.

Until I read this thread I'd never heard about the 'competition' thing about who gets to be called grandma, granny or nanny, etc. In my family we use the GP's surname, so it might be Grandma Smith or Granny Jones. When there was a divorce and later a 2nd marriage, the new GP chose to be Nanny because there was already a Granny with her new surname. Sometimes it's the first name that's used, but either way there's no problem at all about what the GPs get called.

Flowerofthewest, what a beautiful post.

Lucyinthesky, yes, I am fortunate and grateful - my first GC, her 4th, but the first boy. The other GC are near to her and she is a loving presence but she chooses not to be too involved. That said, she has been brilliant at supporting my DD and SIL with prepared meals and gentle advice. I know she has been anxious not to impose and to allow me daughter time, but she is so very welcome. I hope she feels that.

Imperfect27 You are so fortunate with the other granny.

When DD1 gave birth to her second baby a few weeks ago her MiL dashed up from Wales with other family in tow ( a 4 hour drive) to be first on the scene! I am an hour away but decided that it might be overwhelming for DD1 plus SiL and GS1 if everyone descended together and went down to see them the following day. DD1 was relieved.

I am glad I only have to see her at GCs birthdays. I don't even try to ask about Xmas!

There are days when I would love my youngest granddaughters other granny to have them. Problem is she died 19 years ago aged 46. My very best friend. My son has married her daughter. I see her in the two girls and love them for both of us.

I think it's important to make your own relationship with your GC. I can't compete with supergran, so I concentrate on what I'm about. One thing supergran can't do is bake, so that's where I come in. My DGD asked her mummy and daddy when she could come to me again, on her own without them, and I was really chuffed with that.

Supergran isn't really that super, I just get a bit tired of hearing my DIL go on about the wonderful bond supergran has with the GC, as if I'm a passing stranger. DIL seems to have had a tact bypass . In fact, I'd not thought about that before. Over the years DIL has upset me quite a few times but I realise now that she's just completely lacking in tact, poor lamb. Anyway, she makes my son happy and she's a good mum, so hurrah for that.

I too find jealousy most unattractive.

absent, I didn't dare to say it, but thanks for saying it for me!

I have no issues with my co-granny. She lives five minutes from my daughter and DD often calls round with the little boys during the day.

I live over an hour and a half away and get to see them about every two weeks.

I have been happy that my daughter has had this contact near to her since DGS1 was born. It has been a good support for her.

Co-granny has a lot of mobility issues and can't do very much hands on care, but the little ones enjoy going to see her as a regular figure in their lives.

No granimosity here. I am granny, she is nanny and she is the local one. She is lovely and I am very glad that my daughter has another pair of supportive hands close by. I am confident we will both build a positive relationship with our shared GS and any more GC to come.

She set a very positive marker when my daughter was near her due date as she said 'You must have the first cuddles.' I never felt the need to be 'first' about anything, but that was so kind and generous of her. A few days after he was born and the second time I was able to see him she was invited along too, but declined the invite as she said she felt it was important that we had our own time for bonding and I am truly grateful for that sensitivity.

We are also planning to get together for coffee in the near future.

I think it is really worth cultivating a positive relationship with the other GPs. We have such a special bond in common and there is plenty of love to go round.

Last thoughts - my parents were very hard up when my children were little, but there was no sense of 'competition' with the other more affluent GPs. Children respond best to time and interest, above material gifts and they gave those gifts in spade-loads, even when living at a distance. I think my children loved ALL their grandparents equally, for different reasons and I did all I could to foster that.

I did have two other grans in my life, my sons' mothers in law. Sadly one passed away and the other has been very ill with bowel cancer and can't tolerate chemo so is in a very risky situation.

I feel very lucky to still be alive and in reasonable health. I am the only gran standing and it feels scary.

I liked the gran who passed away very much and miss her every day. We had a very amicable relationship.

I am amazed at what I have read here. Being a loved and valued grandmother is a joy and delight and exists separately from anyone else's relationship with those children. I cannot believe where some of you are coming from and I cannot believe your egos!

I can't really compete with the other Nana as she's a Buddist and radiates inner peace and joy. My daughter finds her very irritating.

Interesting topic! I would have loved to share the grannying with the other gran - I never even met her - but very sadly she died a few months before gs was born. She knew about him, but never got to see him. I am very aware of the privilege I have, because I had the same illness (breast cancer) that she died of, yet I survived. Now there is a gd too, and these two little ones at least have their 2 great-grans but they are too young to appreciate how special that is.

Only really see the other Grandparents at the odd family occasion, does not seem to be any problems. I do keep my distance though but this is due to past other family marriage break-ups,as soon as problems appear each family will protect their own, but that is human nature. I never think it is a good idea to get too pally with your son or daughters in-laws.

my son has bought up his girlfriend 1st child up since dc was 3 months old, and now has a 2 yr old with her. she doesn't seem to be too maternal and since kk was born I have them every weekend and sometimes thru the week too. Her mum lives in the same city as us too. I don't think my grandchildren have a favourite nani. If they do, they don't make a song and dance about it.

I thought we were the only ones with a "foreign" grandchild. Seems like there are a lot of us with family abroad. My son found his partner and moved to Denmark, so we now have a Danglish grandson. He has a loving granny and a loving step-granny and lots of aunts who he sees regularly. We have been over a couple of times. He's under eighteen months old and he's actually travelled more times in an aeroplane than we have! I would love to see him more and I'm quite envious of his other gran but I know (well hope) that he'll be happy to see us when he's older.

How lucky we are in DIL's mother (as I told DS - he couldn't have a nicer MIL).

We rarely see our other DGC's GPs as they live so far away and obviously they see more of him than we do but that's just the way it is.

No probs for us from either we get on I am not a jealous person anyway
We have daughters daughter once a week and other gp do one day. as well don't
Have sons as often as they don't live as near they see other gp more but we feel as loved we all give different things to relationships and kids accept this ?‍?‍?‍?

Children are very immediate, and their favourite GPs will be the ones they are with at any given moment. So long as grandparents don't actively undermine each other ( and I have heard that some do!) then don't worry about it - it should never become an issue of divided loyalties for the kiddies involved.

I do sometimes feel left out, as other nan has a car and much more cash to spare than I have.Also my son does a lot of jobs for her and I do not see him often,but then he does work shifts and if I was in trouble I know he would help,I do try to be independent. I have a grandchild with my younger son, and I do not see him often as they do not live close to me and my son is in the forces and away a lot. I get on very well with DILs mum she is very nice. But as I say she can give the girls a better time than I can,but when they do come to stay we have a lot of fun together. They all know that I am here if they need me so guess the relationships are all good.

This is a subject very close to my heart since my GD born 4 years ago we have not been allowed to spend anytime on our own with her,babysit her,go on outings etc. She only lives 20min car journey
from us but we only get to see her on Birthdays Xmas Mother and FathersDay this is heartbreaking enough but made worse by the fact that her maternal grandparents do all of the aforementioned and have had holidays all together. Do you risk confrontation and the miniscule amount of her we do have is taken away all together?

Cari was very good on R5! Listeners were invited to get in touch with their experiences of 'granimosity', so I think I will listen until the show ends.

Reading through this thread, wouldn't it be a shock if GMs of the same GC were posting about one another?

Firstly I think our grandchildren (5) are so fortunate to have both sets of grandparents still alive and close by. I have found that after a while and some thought on this subject I have got to a "comfortable level" of sharing with the other Granma, even though we've never discussed it! I know now how she loves to take them to the store and buy their back to school clothes, so I have sort of moved away from this. This other Nan has the space to have them all over to stay with her overnight - I don't, but prefer to have them one at a time so we gets lots of time for chats together and one on one time. The only time I round them all up is when I take them away in the summer to Grandparents camp - an organized but absolutely fun weekend sleep over specially organized summer camp and where parents aren't allowed. The counsellors are terrific at being able to offer such a perfect weekend of freedom and fun with silly games, treasure hunts, talent shows and sing songs camp fires at night. I also throw all the rules out of the window on that weekend - they can stay in their PJs all weekend if they want - they can eat cereal every mealtime of they want to .....and forget about showers or face washing. And on the last night before camp ends I explain to them "what happens at Grandparent camp stays at Grandparent Camp" because I'm pretty sure if their parents got an inkling of the "no rules" law that is interwoven with this annual weekend they might not let us all go to camp the following year!

I should add that I have invited the other Nan to come a couple of times - but this isn't really something she is interested in, but I enjoy it because its total freedom and so much fun getting to share time with my grandchildren on their level!

This will be discussed on R5 in the next hour.