I don't know what I am doing for Christmas

tingaloo you must be so tired. Do not think of your DH as a "bed blocker" - he is your DH who needs care at this time. Take yourself off to the hospital and enjoy the general celebrations there. It is tough I know - thinking of you.

Could you be fitted in along with DDs' in-laws? We will be celebrating with DD and her in-laws - a mixed blessing I feel! I will say no more!

I know that in hospital the staff try very hard to make it a happy day for patients, staff and relatives.

Oh tingaloo, I would love to have you here. It's going to be strange at my house too, but I won't be by myself, DH will be here. It's his only day off though. He is working on Boxing Day. There is a lady who lives opposite me, I've never spoken to her, but she is alone as her husband died suddenly last year. I would like to ask her to join us, but I don't know how to approach her.

ting try to catch up on your much needed rest and then you won't feel so shaky and lost. You must be mentally and physically drained. Let the hospital take the strain, that's what they're for
Look after yourself too.

I was just about to post the same Luckygirl Wouldn't one of your DD's squeeze you in tingaloo

I'm not surprised you're feeling down, tingaloo, what a sad situation to be in, especially at this time of year. Please don't worry about your DH being a 'bed-blocker', it's nobody's fault, least of all yours or his.

I'm actually quite shocked that neither of your daughters seems to have offered any sort of help on the day, long-standing arrangements or not.
Do try to take care of yourself somehow, is there anyone else who could share the visiting with you?

How kind you are hilda

Please don't feel a tiny bit sorry for yourself. Feel terribly sorry for your self as you've had a dreadful time. Book a taxi for Christmas Day to and from the hospital. Don't feel remotely guilty about bed blocking as the NHS should not have shut cottage hospitals where your DH should be in the interim. Your husband merits the bed as much as anyone. Get yourself a half bottle of champagne and go to M&S if there is one near and buy some nice nibbles and a few turkey sandwiches and some chocolate truffles and go in to the ward and share with your husband if you are able to. Be kind to yourself.

(several posts have appeared while I was typing - sorry if I've duplicated others' thoughts!)

Ting could you talk to the hospital staff about Christmas Day? It might help to know how they include families in the day. So sorry you are under so much pressure. Please rest when you can.

tingaloo what a heartbreaking position to be in. My MiL is in a nursing home so I do recognise the guilt and grief you describe, much worse for you though. I think your entitled to feel as you do, it's so very sad and emotionally exhausting, all made worse by Christmas. I hope and am sure the staff will have a little extra time to chat to you. I do hope it turns out a little easier than you anticipate and that you experience a little of the Christmas spirit. ((((Hug))))

hilderjenni could you put a Christmas card through her letter box with an open invitation (your welcome if you'd like to come and keep me company.) sort of note.

tingaloo With what you are going through it is the most natural thing ever that you would feel a little bit sorry for yourself. I agree with what Stansgran said about being very very good to yourself on Christmas Day.

Of course you are exhausted, emotionally and physically.
Yes - Book a taxi for the journey to the hospital, it will drop you right at the door. Take some of the nicest sandwiches and treats you can find in M & S 'or any other good store ' Something nice to drink and yummy fruit. If you had two little bottles of drink and chill them really well, let one even just start to freeze, then you will have cool drinks for a while. Prepare yourself well for the day and set off with the attitude that you will enjoy yourself. Make a lovely basket/bag with your goodiies, wipes, any cutlery you might need, and have a little feast/picnic.

I think that other visitors on the ward may also be feeling a little fragile like yourself and may be glad to have someone to chat to. If you have nice chocolates to share with others it might be a good ice-breaker. Or a little slab of Christmas cake to share. A couple of magazines and a crossword if you like them, something to pass a little time. It may be that you get chatting with other visitors and the time just flies.

And I think that the staff will be understanding of your feelings and be doing their best to keep the atmosphere as light as possible.

When you are ready for home, ring for a taxi to take you right home with the least possible hassle. Or arrange a time with the taxi company for them to pick you up.

It is a sad time for you and hopefully you will be able to make it somewhat more enjoyable than you anticipate. xx

Hilda .... what about just knocking your neighbour's door and asking her directly if she would like to go over to you for Christmas dinner, that you and your dh would like her company. If she doesn't accept your offer for her own reasons, you will still have warmed her heart with your invitation.

Have you told your daughters how you feel tingaloo? Not that they should need telling. I am shocked quite honestly. How can they leave you in that situation? I think you need to talk to them.

Just cannot find the words to tell you how desperately sorry I am for you. How hard this must me, I cannot imagine. But I do believe jingle is right- talk to your daughters and let them know how lonely, worried and sad you are.

Or perhaps say which area you live in- maybe there is someone here who is also alone and could share part of Christmas day with her.

huge ((((hugs))))

Agree with those who have said to try and make the best of the day for yourself. Nice lunch, small bottle of wine, maybe one of those ready mixed gin and tonics? the staff will be very grateful to have an extra pair of hands around to serve lunch and drinks and hopefully you can make the best of the day for you and your DH, and there will be others there for you to chat to. I hate the term bed blockers, the only people responsible for this are those that have cut the provision of cottage hospitals/convalescent hospitals, and that wasn't you or your DH. On a slightly different note, are you hiding the extent of your DH's decline from your daughters? They need to know for you cannot deal with this situation on your own, it won't be to anyone's benefit if you make yourself ill. Tell them, and hopefully someone will at the very least help to share the day by driving you to and from the hospital; even if they are able to have a jolly day with their in-laws while you spend the day with the man you love who is also their Father. Thinking of you. x

I do agree with jings and granjura that your DDs could do with making sure you are ok for Christmas Day. If, for some acceptable reason they can't spend a little time at the hospital with you, they could offer to pay a taxi for you to make your day easier.

Or why haven't any of their in-laws had the wit to extend an invitation..... giving you the choice to accept it or go to be with dh.

Perhaps your dds have been very supportive albeit unavailable on Christmas Day, and it is just the combination of your dh being unwell, matters yet to be resolved, all in the middle of Christmas that has become a bit much, all at once.

I wish you a day that is surprisingly enjoyable. xx

(((Hugs))) tingaloo and I can only echo what pp have written.

Tingaloo you are bound to feel down at a time like this you have a heck of a lot on your plate. Don't start feeling guilty for feeling upset or as you put it "sorry for yourself". (((hugs)))

No wonder you're feeling a bit wobbly tingaloo , you're facing big changes and a huge loss - and probably tired with trekking backwards and forwards hospital visiting too. As others have said be kind to yourself and plan some treats. Maybe it's hard to let on to your daughters just how vulnerable you're feeling? Big hugs and to you x

I think the nurses try to make Christmas Day special for those not able to get discharged , I know just how draining all the visiting gets , take care xxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry to hear of your difficult situation, tingaloo. I agree with those who have said that your daughters need a bit of a wake up call but we all deal with family dilemmas in different ways and Christmas always seems to be a time of tiptoeing around trying not to upset any apple carts.

I would probably find it theraputic to hope they all choke on their Christmas Pud but that's not how it works unfortunately.

I do hope your day turns out to be better than expected.

Make it a Christmas to remember! Get a grip - make him up a stocking with all sorts of silly stuff, string, nuts, satsuma, colouring pencils, brush and comb, hankies, sweets (old fashioned ones i.e. sherbet dips, aniseed balls, lemon drops, liquorice whirls, sweet cigarettes) - silly childish bits and pieces. It might be fun for you for an hour or so buying the stuff - any old corner shop will probably have the stuff you need and it might make him smile. See it as a brand new experience for both of you. There will be other Christmases with the family for you but maybe not for your DH. It's just a day - 24 hours and then it's over for another year. Mind over matter - he won't mind and it really doesn't matter. Stay for a while and then go home - have a hotwater bottle ready to take to bed and know that you have done the right thing. Leave the DD's to their own devices and their own consciences - not your problem this year. Hugs, flowers, wine, cupcakes - whatever you need to get by.

ting you have more than enough reason to feel very sorry for yourself. I can't begin to imagine how desperately unhappy you are feeling. As others have said, you should be kind to yourself on Christmas Day (well, every day in fact!) and get a taxi to and from the hospital, armed with some lovely food treats that you can share with your husband. And yes, speak to the staff on his ward to see what arrangements there are for Christmas Day. And do not, repeat do not feel guilty and worry about him 'bed blocking' (God how I hate that term). He has every right to be there. It is not his or your fault that a nursing home place cannot be found for him.
And please talk to your daughters - I really can't believe that they are continuing with their 'long standing' arrangements and ignoring your terrible plight. You must make sure they know of your distress - now is not the time for that 'stiff upper lip'.

Oh, I so didn't mean to drop my poor daughters in it with you all! They both have very good reasons to keep to their arrangements, relatives with new babies visiting from abroad, mil with health worries of their own, etc, and both have to visit other parts of the country for the festivities. I think the idea of bringing my own picnic of goodies with me to the hospital is a good one, and doing a stocking for my husband - I hadn't even thought of that! I shall have such fun getting it all together. I am also scanning and copying some much- loved framed family photos for him to take to his care home when he goes. I have spoken to him about the move, and he says he understands, but it does not stay in his head for more than a short while! I have been looking around various care homes, why, oh why are the televisions always on so loud in the communal areas? He is going to hate that!