I don't know what I am doing for Christmas

Are you okay, tingaloo?

The choir was top at Christmas. Some of the proceeds are going to Carers uk charity.

Tingaloo, the NHS choir are singing for all people in hospital at Christmas.

'The song is also dedicated to all those professionals and patients who will be spending the festive season in hospital. Rogerson said: “Everyone always makes the best of it ... but no one really wants to be in hospital on Christmas Day. We’ve got this image of the song making those people feel like the rest of the country hasn’t forgotten them.” '

It's not your fault, Tingaloo, or your DH's that he is occupying a bed. Feeling for you both and hoping you can find just a bit more of the amazing strength you obviously have.

I think you are a better person than I am Tingaloo.

Stansgran, hospital wards all have their own mealtime rules. However, if you are a main carer you are usually allowed to help with meals with the person you care for.
I did this at both Durham and the RVI, and previously at York. Ask to see their ward rules.
Anyway, at Christmas it should be no problem. Nurses are human.

When you are visiting homes try and remember that superficial gloss means nothing - the attitudes of the staff are all that matters. The scruffiest home I used to visit when I was a SW was by far the best - like a family. And remember that your gut instinct is a valuable asset.

Hope that you are able to find some moments of enjoyment on Christmas day.

Bed blocking is a terrible term & I hope is no longer used by NHS & social care staff. The correct terminology when I was working in the health & social care was 'delayed discharge' which places the emphasis very firmly on the system and process rather than the patient.

Unfortunately the media & politicians are not so careful about their language & this form of stigmatisation is still being perpetuated.

I hope that Christmas Day in the hospital provides you with some enjoyment and that the care home issue gets resolved soon. There is no shame in feeling a 'bit sorry for yourself' most of us would in these circumstances.

Tingaloo, really feel for you at this very stressful time, the staff always make Christmas Day as good as they can, so just try to relax and go along with it. It will all be sorted out in time and hope a place can be found for your dh that you feel he will be happy and looked after in, in turn you will be able to relax a little and the situation will improve, then you can spend some valuable time with your daughters. You have nothing to be guilty about, you have put his needs first and doing the best for him and as for him being a bed blocker, well he's not, he can't be sent home and will be moved when a suitable place is found. When you finally leave the hospital, you will be able to relax at home and I am sure your girls will be in touch, you will be on their minds.?

Ting everyone has already given you some wonderful advise so I won't repeat it all. Having cared for both parents with dementia and having no choice in the end but for them to go into care I understand your sadness. Christmas day is just another day in a long line of days but the hospital staff make as much fun as they can for their patients so go along with your picnic and your special treats for your husband and try to enjoy the atmosphere - I'm sure they will be grateful for your help in looking after him for a few hours too. One of the things I was asked to do for Mum when she went into care was to make her a memory box of special photos, small items she treasured and things which would perhaps bring back a memory. I also created a book of her life (she was 89 by then) which was filled with stories about her and Dad and photos of her and her family as a child etc. The staff would read this to her which not only made her smile but also meant they got to know her as she used to be rather than the old woman who couldn't talk or walk sitting in a chair. I didn't get chance to do that for my dad as he was only in there 6 weeks but as he'd visited her for the two years before he went in they knew him anyway. I hope you manage to find a suitable place for your husband in the New Year but as has also been said he is not a bed blocker at all and has as much right to be on the ward as any other patient.

tingaloo I am so sorry you are having such a sad and difficult time. Lots of good advice about looking after yourself and not worry about 'bedblocking' Your DH is poorly and he deserves the bed every bit as much as anyone else. Anyway the clinical staff don't think like that just the finance bods. I hope the situation improves for you soon and that your DH can be found somewhere soon that makes you both feel comfortable that he is safe and well cared.

tingaloo and very best wishes for a Christmas Day that's as good as it can be under the circumstances.

Not all care homes are the same, but in some areas 'choice' is very limited I know. Having first hand experience of many I would say that the staff are much more important than the facilities. A little kindness and respect from caring staff members goes a long way to offset less than perfect facilities.

I hope you and your husband enjoy the day together Ting. My husband is in a nursing home and the atmosphere there is really lovely. He hasn't been in hospital on Christmas Day but I would imagine it will be special anyway.

Hope you both have a lovely day.

In hospital recently I was told they didn't like visitors at meal times but DJ makes a good point that it might be worth keeping an eye on his intake. They may not have enough staff on on Thursday to make sure he eats properly.

Christmas was always special in hospital as well. The nurses would go round carol singing and giving small gifts out. I hope it is still like that.
If you are your husband's main carer, you should be able to spend every meal time with him, to make sure he eats enough.
As others say, take treats in for the pair of you.
Try and enjoy it. There is nothing you can do about the situation.

Do be kind to yourself tingaloo, splurge on some treats for yourself. I have worked Christmas day as a nurse, we used to do a 12 hour shift doubt that is legal now.

Dear Ting, Sending you all my good thoughts and love over this very difficult period. The other posters have given you such good advice that all I will send you is ((hugs)) and

Thinking of you ting, you are doing great, hope the day goes well.
My neighbour found that Christian care homes were more homely, I have found one for my mum it's excellent and there is a TV in her room not in lounge. They didn't ask me about religion when I looked round.
Are you checking CQC inspections on line?

When I worked in hospital Christmas visiting was all day and families were made to feel welcome but it is a long day .as for your neighbour she may be thinking same as you so drop a note or call it may help if you make it that she will be doing you a favour best wishes and I hope things turn out ok ???

Tingaloo - the issue of TVs on loud all the time is being discussed on another thread. I dread being put in a powerless situation where I have to listen to crap TV all day whether I like it or not. There is no reason why you should not say to the staff that he would not like this - he can make the choice to stay in his own room or go to another room. As he would not be able to say that himself, then it is fine for you to tell them that you know how he feels about this. Do you have an iPod with headphones? - maybe you could put an assortment of music that you know he would like so he could listen to what he wants. And remind the staff every time you go in!

I am glad that someone has come up with the stocking idea - I am sure he will love it; and that you will enjoy doing it.

My Dad was happy to agree to go into a home in the end as he could see that things were not working out at home; but he did need reminding of the decision sometimes. I am glad that your DH is able to understand the situation some of the time - hopefully that will make it easier for you.

Whatever you do, please do not feel guilty about the decision. It is absolutely the right thing, and I know you will keep him in touch with home and help him to settle. I do hope that Christmas day goes as well as it can for you both. Even though he is blocking a bed for an acute patient (which is different from BEING a bed-blocker) the staff still owe him the same duty of care, and should not treat him any differently. He cannot help being in this situation, and neither can you - the fault lies in a system that provides inadequate care in the community - he is not a lesser patient or less deserving of their care.

Oh, I so didn't mean to drop my poor daughters in it with you all! They both have very good reasons to keep to their arrangements, relatives with new babies visiting from abroad, mil with health worries of their own, etc, and both have to visit other parts of the country for the festivities. I think the idea of bringing my own picnic of goodies with me to the hospital is a good one, and doing a stocking for my husband - I hadn't even thought of that! I shall have such fun getting it all together. I am also scanning and copying some much- loved framed family photos for him to take to his care home when he goes. I have spoken to him about the move, and he says he understands, but it does not stay in his head for more than a short while! I have been looking around various care homes, why, oh why are the televisions always on so loud in the communal areas? He is going to hate that!

ting you have more than enough reason to feel very sorry for yourself. I can't begin to imagine how desperately unhappy you are feeling. As others have said, you should be kind to yourself on Christmas Day (well, every day in fact!) and get a taxi to and from the hospital, armed with some lovely food treats that you can share with your husband. And yes, speak to the staff on his ward to see what arrangements there are for Christmas Day. And do not, repeat do not feel guilty and worry about him 'bed blocking' (God how I hate that term). He has every right to be there. It is not his or your fault that a nursing home place cannot be found for him.
And please talk to your daughters - I really can't believe that they are continuing with their 'long standing' arrangements and ignoring your terrible plight. You must make sure they know of your distress - now is not the time for that 'stiff upper lip'.

Make it a Christmas to remember! Get a grip - make him up a stocking with all sorts of silly stuff, string, nuts, satsuma, colouring pencils, brush and comb, hankies, sweets (old fashioned ones i.e. sherbet dips, aniseed balls, lemon drops, liquorice whirls, sweet cigarettes) - silly childish bits and pieces. It might be fun for you for an hour or so buying the stuff - any old corner shop will probably have the stuff you need and it might make him smile. See it as a brand new experience for both of you. There will be other Christmases with the family for you but maybe not for your DH. It's just a day - 24 hours and then it's over for another year. Mind over matter - he won't mind and it really doesn't matter. Stay for a while and then go home - have a hotwater bottle ready to take to bed and know that you have done the right thing. Leave the DD's to their own devices and their own consciences - not your problem this year. Hugs, flowers, wine, cupcakes - whatever you need to get by.

Sorry to hear of your difficult situation, tingaloo. I agree with those who have said that your daughters need a bit of a wake up call but we all deal with family dilemmas in different ways and Christmas always seems to be a time of tiptoeing around trying not to upset any apple carts.

I would probably find it theraputic to hope they all choke on their Christmas Pud but that's not how it works unfortunately.

I do hope your day turns out to be better than expected.

I think the nurses try to make Christmas Day special for those not able to get discharged , I know just how draining all the visiting gets , take care xxxxxxxxxxx

No wonder you're feeling a bit wobbly tingaloo , you're facing big changes and a huge loss - and probably tired with trekking backwards and forwards hospital visiting too. As others have said be kind to yourself and plan some treats. Maybe it's hard to let on to your daughters just how vulnerable you're feeling? Big hugs and to you x