Am I such a Rogue?

When I became a mother, it felt at first as if I was floundering, lost in a wilderness with no map book, no instructions. I found myself thinking back to my own childhood, with the confident, competent mother who knew all the answers. How would I ever by like that? And then one day it dawned on me - she wasn't any more perfect or confident or competent than me. She had to learn how to do this incredibly important job just as I was learning. It was a bit of an epiphany for me and I began to look at my mother with new eyes. I saw the human being behind the madonna, with all her faults and uncertainties.
When grown up children come to this realisation it can be hard, especially if they themselves have had difficulties in their adult life. With this new awareness of their mother's shortcomings, how much easier it becomes to shift the blame for their own mistakes onto their mother.
I sincerely hope that you and your DD will find a way to work through these difficulties - as someone else said, she can't think that badly of you if she still lets you look after her children.
Welcome to GN Qinwa.

Qinwa I'm sorry that you re both in this situation. It does seem as though you are going out of your way to mend this situation but your daughter is not able to forgive and that is her struggle you are doing the best you can. However I can see your daughters side in this having been treated very badly by my own mother all her life and I never confronted her because she scared me and I should have and I should have put a good distance between us and not let her keep on. Now I am older I still search for the answers as she wasn't like this with my siblings and as she died several years ago the anwers will never come. This causes m bouts of depression and I'm sure a poor ability to form relationships. Keep trying with your daughter she sounds a I bit lost to me and I think she needs you. Best wishes

JK Rowling's speech at Harvard has been re-quoted so many times but here it is "there is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction. The moment you are old enough to take the wheel the responsibility lies with you"

Sorry_ posts crossed. I hadn't read the last 2 when I posted.

We all make mistakes as parents. Some bits we do well and other bits we are less proud of. It is very easy for adult children to throw things back at us and blame their childhoods for various problems they have in their adult lives. I would try and put it behind you( although I know this is very hard) and concentrate on being a good friend to your daughter now and a good grandparent. Maybe in time to come when it is less raw you and your daughter will discuss it again. As her children get older she will also realise how hard parenting is.Wishing you well.

We generally do the best we can given the circumstances of our children's upbringing. It's all much easier with the retrospectoscope. I often wonder how the child would have brought herself up under the same conditions . What they don't seem to realise is we had to learn to parent and the perfect life they think they are giving their children may be just as flawed in the eyes of the next generation. I was a latch key child without a latch key. Always was determined that my children would never have to sit on a freezing step waiting for older sibling to wend his way home and let us in. DD1 is a full time working mum and takes short cuts in child care that I'm glad I don't know about until her children let the cat out of the bag. And I will help at the drop of a hat. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes the perceived faults are in their own faulty characters.

Hi there, I would try not to worry about the relationship between sister and brother. Both are grown ups and some siblings just do not get on. It sounds as though there are get togethers as such so at least they can stay in the same room together if not very often. If superficial works at the moment I would go with that, keep all light, best of luck.

I forgot to welcome you, Qinwo! Hope you enjoy Gransnet. .
I notice that you've written the same post 2 or 3 times, probably because you're new to all this, so will we just stick to this particular post for comments and replies, to make it easier?

Qinwa, I understand what you're going through. One of my own daughters gave me 'character-reading' a few years ago, and it came completely out of the blue. She was quite violent along with it, and I still don't understand where it all came from. After this, she estranged herself, although thankfully she didn't stop my granddaughters from coming to see us. Like you, I wrote, apologising for the mistakes I'd made while bringing her up, but stating that I'd done my very, very best, and that I loved her very, very much.
What I've learned from this, Qinwa, is not to keep apologising, though. Carry on doing what you do for the children and let your daughter know that your door remains open to her.

It sounds to me as if you have done your very best, and have been very reasonable.

The only thing I would say is, even though you feel super low, that at some point, when you are feeling better, I suspect that you wont really want to be relieved of your duty as a mum. Totally understandable that you feel that way now though.