Am I such a Rogue?

It sounds to me as if you have done your very best, and have been very reasonable.

The only thing I would say is, even though you feel super low, that at some point, when you are feeling better, I suspect that you wont really want to be relieved of your duty as a mum. Totally understandable that you feel that way now though.

Qinwa, I understand what you're going through. One of my own daughters gave me 'character-reading' a few years ago, and it came completely out of the blue. She was quite violent along with it, and I still don't understand where it all came from. After this, she estranged herself, although thankfully she didn't stop my granddaughters from coming to see us. Like you, I wrote, apologising for the mistakes I'd made while bringing her up, but stating that I'd done my very, very best, and that I loved her very, very much.
What I've learned from this, Qinwa, is not to keep apologising, though. Carry on doing what you do for the children and let your daughter know that your door remains open to her.

I forgot to welcome you, Qinwo! Hope you enjoy Gransnet. .
I notice that you've written the same post 2 or 3 times, probably because you're new to all this, so will we just stick to this particular post for comments and replies, to make it easier?

Hi there, I would try not to worry about the relationship between sister and brother. Both are grown ups and some siblings just do not get on. It sounds as though there are get togethers as such so at least they can stay in the same room together if not very often. If superficial works at the moment I would go with that, keep all light, best of luck.

We generally do the best we can given the circumstances of our children's upbringing. It's all much easier with the retrospectoscope. I often wonder how the child would have brought herself up under the same conditions . What they don't seem to realise is we had to learn to parent and the perfect life they think they are giving their children may be just as flawed in the eyes of the next generation. I was a latch key child without a latch key. Always was determined that my children would never have to sit on a freezing step waiting for older sibling to wend his way home and let us in. DD1 is a full time working mum and takes short cuts in child care that I'm glad I don't know about until her children let the cat out of the bag. And I will help at the drop of a hat. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes the perceived faults are in their own faulty characters.

We all make mistakes as parents. Some bits we do well and other bits we are less proud of. It is very easy for adult children to throw things back at us and blame their childhoods for various problems they have in their adult lives. I would try and put it behind you( although I know this is very hard) and concentrate on being a good friend to your daughter now and a good grandparent. Maybe in time to come when it is less raw you and your daughter will discuss it again. As her children get older she will also realise how hard parenting is.Wishing you well.

Sorry_ posts crossed. I hadn't read the last 2 when I posted.

JK Rowling's speech at Harvard has been re-quoted so many times but here it is "there is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction. The moment you are old enough to take the wheel the responsibility lies with you"

Qinwa I'm sorry that you re both in this situation. It does seem as though you are going out of your way to mend this situation but your daughter is not able to forgive and that is her struggle you are doing the best you can. However I can see your daughters side in this having been treated very badly by my own mother all her life and I never confronted her because she scared me and I should have and I should have put a good distance between us and not let her keep on. Now I am older I still search for the answers as she wasn't like this with my siblings and as she died several years ago the anwers will never come. This causes m bouts of depression and I'm sure a poor ability to form relationships. Keep trying with your daughter she sounds a I bit lost to me and I think she needs you. Best wishes

When I became a mother, it felt at first as if I was floundering, lost in a wilderness with no map book, no instructions. I found myself thinking back to my own childhood, with the confident, competent mother who knew all the answers. How would I ever by like that? And then one day it dawned on me - she wasn't any more perfect or confident or competent than me. She had to learn how to do this incredibly important job just as I was learning. It was a bit of an epiphany for me and I began to look at my mother with new eyes. I saw the human being behind the madonna, with all her faults and uncertainties.
When grown up children come to this realisation it can be hard, especially if they themselves have had difficulties in their adult life. With this new awareness of their mother's shortcomings, how much easier it becomes to shift the blame for their own mistakes onto their mother.
I sincerely hope that you and your DD will find a way to work through these difficulties - as someone else said, she can't think that badly of you if she still lets you look after her children.
Welcome to GN Qinwa.

Stansgran I hadn't heard that quote from JK Rowling. So very good! (Good post too Sg)

I would be tempted to laugh it off and tell her - and her DH - to grow up.

Your daughter sounds like my older sister. She is a wonderful and popular friend but cannot cope with the immediate family. She believes my parents did all sorts of things and didn't want her, didn't love her etc. She is prone to scream at me for no reason and at one stage I had to have counselling to cope with her. She has three failed marriages but is sits she doesn't need counselling.She is very temperamental and never visits our mother. Her children, now grown up, barely know us.
This is all leading up to saying that you have to do what my mother and I have done which is to look after your own well being and the best way to do this is to stop trying to appease her and get on with the rest of your life and have healthy relationships with other people.

The quote though, doesnt take into account that the child/adult may likely have been left with a wrong set of maps.

You have to write your own maps soon. Once you are an adult you are as capable as anyone else of doing just that.

how I never appreciated or praised her and always critical no matter what she did

It occurs to me, that she is now doing to you, what she says that you did?

I would disagree. Partly because that takes time. And partly because you may have been brought up with wrong instructions, which can take a long time to unlearn.

Stansgran very good post and thank you for the very good quote too. I have often wondered what kind of a job I have made of parenthood, we just blunder along as best as we can I suppose which is surely better than the terrible childhood some on GN have endured. Just what terrible things are you supposed to have done? Not encouraged latent musical talent? Not bought Angel Delight? Worked too much/not worked at all? I think I agree with Jings tell them to grow up and act as parents themselves, perhaps your DD and her husband would like to share their gift for parenting with you? You can't be that awful or you wouldn't be involved in the up bringing of their own children.

Then we will agree to disgree. Completely. And vehemently. (on my part)

that was to soon

Not necessarily, though,.

I agree with stb to an extent because a person could be left with the wrong values and feelings of inadequacy which gives them disadvantages and an inability to cope with situations in their adult lives and relationships.
It takes a very strong person to overcome the difficulties some face in their childhood.

JK Rowling gives the impression of a disadvantaged childhood - whilst no-one can know what goes on in a family home, it was not the impoverished childhood she indicates and, as she became head girl of her school, she showed even then the strength of character she posseses which has seen her through difficulties. Not everyone is that strong.

Welcome to the forum Qinwa there is a lot if good advice already on here from others.None of us is perfect, including your own daughter.
we did what we could at the time.If she didn't feel it was enough ( and there is always sibling rivalry going on) and nothing specific happened, then what more can you do than apologise?If you have told her that you loved her, and love her still, then I would leave it at that.

First sentence of my last post was to jings about her response to stb

I think you still have to be prepared to listen. If it's a case of 'the wrong shoes' or she thinks her brother had better toys! etc then, yes, she should grow up!

If there is something more serious that she finds difficulty coming to terms with then perhaps it needs to be aired, otherwise it will carry on festering.

Welcome to GN Quinwa

It is all too easy for your DD to try and pin the blame on her obvious unhappiness on someone else and how convenient it should be her mother.

I would be tempted to ask your daughter a few questions, like for example;

What would she have done differently in your circumstances?
Why (if you were such a poor mother) is she trusting you with her precious children?
At what point does one stop blaming things that happened years ago on today's issues? 10 years, 20 years, 35 years?
If things were so bad why will she not agree to attend some family counseling with you?

None of us are perfect parents. None of us know how to be a parent until the little bundle (of joy or otherwise) arrives. If we have had relatively good parents ourselves we might be lucky enough to have a role model on which to base our parenting, but many of us just make it up as we go along and depending on many other factors, we might make an okay job of it.