He's gone and i'm lost

I lost my husband 17 years ago when I was almost 43. I agree so much with the advice given here and understand only too well how hard it is to have to carry on without your other half. Since Alf died I have seen both our children grow up and marry and now have four gorgeous grandchildren. I help my daughter care for her three children as she is a single parent and works full time and until recently I was also working full time (took early retirement last year). I still miss Alf very much even though I keep busy. It is things like having someone to tell the events of the day to and to have an adult conversation with about stuff that matters to me I miss most, and, although I am a very practical person, there are times when I really wish he was here to hammer a nail in or mend something or move something for me The only advice I can offer is that you have to take each day at a time and that no two people have the same journey - I have friends who have also lost their much loved partners who have, eventually, found a new partner and built a new life together and other friends who have remained single like me. Most of all though I am grateful and glad that Alf and I had 23 years together and made many happy memories during that time.

i have never lost a husband as he and i separated [and then divorced] over 20 years ago but my best friend lost her husband to cancer 12 years ago. she was lost without him but found some consolation in bereavement counselling for a while.
i know he left a huge hole in her life which never got "filled in" but other people "pasted over" that hole - not completely as she always thought of him.
we used to go out as a group [4 of us] and he was always mentioned in conversation so he never really was "gone".
unfortunately my best friend passed away eighteen months ago but the remaining trio of friends always have a toast for her when we're out.
it's our way of remembering the now growing list of friends and family who aren't with us any more.
my sincere condolences to all gransnetters who have lost close family and friends - nobody has completely "gone" while their names are still mentioned.

Fairly new to Gransnet, but this thread touched a chord in me. I was widowed first at the age of 54 after 29 years of marriage. I felt as if the bottom had dropped out of my world. However I was working full time then so that helped, and two of my children got married the following year and my eldest grandchild was born. His grandfather knew he was on the way but never saw any of the nine of them. I married again after 3 years and then 3 years ago lost Trevor to Lewy Body Dementia. This is a form of dementia which has Parkinson symptoms and comes with terrible hallucinations. I nursed him at home until the last 7 months, then it got too much. It was awful watching a highly intelligent man dwindle away to nothing but skin and bone, literally. When he died I was so relieved for him, that it was all over, but for me the days are still long, and I miss him so much. The children are good, friends are good, but oh to just have him back. I am 78 now and some days I feel as if I am just "waiting for God" too. You have to carry on, keep a brave face on it, but I don't think you ever really get over it. You just learn to live with it.
A few months is no time at all, the professional view is it takes at least 2 years to recover from a death in the family, and by far the first year is the worst.
Margaret in Northants.

I too lost my husband, 8 years ago, very suddenly and felt that anger, the injustice, the unfairness of his going. I couldn't let my despondency affect those around me - I didn't want them worrying about me - so I felt unable to open up to my children and friends and I hadn't considered nor was offered bereavement counselling. What I did do, was write a diary putting all my anger and sadness down on paper. Eventually, I went back to the beginning and read what I had written and realised that, although I didn't feel that the grieving had eased as it had been so gradual, it was getting easier. Now I don't need the diary but have a moment of sadness every day, when I see a beautiful sunset, when my grandchildren, whom he never knew, ask about their Grandad. at both of my daughters' weddings, going home to an empty house, seeing couples out walking holding hands ..... etc, but we just have to get on with it. If I didn't have my children, I don't think I could have gone on and without saying it, I know they miss their Dad so much too. Life goes on and we have to make the best of it. My thoughts are with you, Sheridan, and all those who have lost their loved one.

welcome to GN Margaret and auntiejantie

Dear Sheridan I also sit and watch the clock I light a candle I have next to his photograph and sometimes just let the tears roll other times I sit and smile thinking of the happy times we spent together I get comfort from this little ritual I am also making cushion covers out of his shirts as I can't bear thinking of clearing his belongings I lost my beloved in August and feel like I am in limbo my thoughts and prayers are with you

Sheridan, I know so well how it is and am thinking of you. Reading all the Posts is very cheering, especially Anya's words of Nov 15th. It's a path you just have to take and no matter how good your family and friends are and you can laugh and smile with them, there is an inner part of you that hurts.
I have little post-it notes stuck all around saying things like, "Just deal with it" and "You can't always feel happy, but you can always try to flourish". Stuff like that!

I feel for all you ladies. I've watched my husband deteriorate for 8 years. He has advanced Alzheimer's and it has taken every little bit of him now but he still goes on. I can hardly remember the good times. I know when he does go, I will grieve again.

Like Margaret I will be relieved for him when it's over.

I haven't lost a partner but it's my beloved Mum's 2nd anniversary of her death two years ago last week. I was with her when we found out she had bowel cancer in the August and I moved in with her to care for her until she died in the November. I volunteer for my local hospice as a shop volunteer and also as a bereavement support volunteer. Since this time I have only be able to volunteer in the shop as I am still grieving and not sure if I will ever be able to return to that role. Everything I was ever taught about the grieving process went out of the window when it was me that needed it. I still talk to my mum sometimes when I feel the need. I speak of her often and take comfort in knowing that life goes on - but in a different way.

Sheridan, I lost my wonderful Margaret, 2 years and 4 months ago. So I know how you are feeling. We were married 55 years, and I've lost my whole world. Believe me Sheridan, I do know how you feel. I'm still grieving, I feel as if it will never end.

People say, it will ease with time, it's now over two years for me, and it hasn't eased one little bit. I don't think it ever will. Everyday just seems pointless now. I've joined a small group, of widows and widowers. We meet once a week for a few hours. It is the highlight of my week.

I'm sorry if this may depress you, but I'm just telling you, how it is for me. No one can wave a magic wand and make it all better. Perhaps it is worse for me, as I'm on my own, all my family are overseas. My oldest daughter, does her best, and tries her hardest, to fill my Margaret's place. I appreciate all she does for me, but no one can take her place.

I hope you can get over your feeling of loss, better than me. You have my deepest sympathies.

Sheridan my heart goes out to you and all you brave ladies who have lost a partner everyone's loss is different I don't began n to imagine what. It's like so sending virtual hugs flowers

I can't even begin to know how any of you who have lost partners are feeling and I send love to you all.
Before my lovely Pa died we were talking one day of losing Mum (she died 4 years before my Dad) and he , so very wisely, said, 'you never get over losing them but eventually you learn to live alongside of it'.

These messages have helped me feel a bit better, and not so lonely. My darling husband of 35 years, my friend, my companion died 16 months ago, life is so hard without him. It does not get easier, it gets just different and I cope as best I can. Knowing I am not alone with my feelings, makes a little difference to my day

So many kind words here for
Sheridan 123
I am a newbie on gransnet, couple of months, I think it's amazing reading all those kind words, virtual flowers
A hug from me too

Hi
I do the same thing about my last parent's death. I think the last death brought out the grief for the deaths of my other parent and my OH. I was so busy with trying to cope with the care of a very sick parent that I did not grieve properly for the earlier deaths. Every week on a certain day and time I just sit and cry. It is 3 years now and I am still the same
I am glad though that I did not leave any of them alone. My health has not been great for a few years. When I had a serious illness my first thought was for others and how I had to deal with my health problems being a sign everyone could see that I had failed to be able to care for my parent. I got myself together and cared for another 6 years.
I hate being the one left alone but better me than them.
Thinking of you at this difficult time. Sending hugs

My Gillie died suddenly in February. No words I have read, and no support from friends, can touch the hurt you feel. I dunno, how long it takes, if ever, to recover from the loss of the one you love. As a granp, I intrude on here, because my wife used to love the site, and being a nan to 8 and a great nan, she always was willing to offer and receive helpful advice.
The thing missed most is our friendship, fun and just good old fashioned pleasure in seeing each other every day. It will be hard for you. Love and good wishes for the coming festive season. xx

I've hesitated to post on this thread as I felt that after almost six years I should be 'getting on with it'. As others have said, the sadness creeps up to overcome you when you are least expecting it. I still miss my lovely man every single day, despite trying to become involved in new things. Maybe it's because there's nobody there who knows what you are thinking and who can finish your sentences for you. I feel truly thankful to have experienced such a loving relationship for so many years. As Sugarpufffairy says, it is hard being the one left behind, but at least we are the ones experiencing this devastating sense of loss.
My thoughts and very best wishes go out to all who are suffering the loss of loved ones. Hugs to you all.

Geeljay you are not intruding. If your DW posted on here may I suggest you are doubly welcome.

Wow, you are all wonderful! I'm so sorry for all of you who have lost loved ones.

And to think I told DH off for not telling me he had used the last tin of tomato sauce!

I met the love of my life when I was 60, 10 years ago. My DH is 5 years older than me, and we've been married nearly 7 years. 2 years ago he had major heart surgery and 2 weeks ago a mini-stroke. I can imagine all too clearly life without the laughter, the cuddles, the shared jokes -just the inexpressible contentment and pleasure at being with someone who you love, and who loves you, utterly - and it will be unbearable.

My heart is overflowing with warm wishes and condolences for the brave ladies who are going through such awful times ....

Sheridan when you first posted, it took me back to another thread we used to have on here..in fact I have just re read it all and it brought back many memories of all the people who have helped me through what what and still is a very sad and unhappy time, there was some sadness on the thread but then some smiles. If you would care to read it any time just type

*Widowhood" in the search bar(top right hand side)
scroll down to where it says

"Widowhood/relatonships/grandparents/forum/talk to others"

It is strange looking back now to what we wrote, but it helped so much to be able to openly chat to others who were going through or who had gone through the same.

Hello biker, hope you're doing OK

hi there Ana yes well you know!

Sheridan I've come late to this thread. I feel so sad for you and for all the others on here who are struggling to keep going without your beloved partners by your side. I cannot imagine it and dread the day I might find myself in this situation.
My heart goes out to all of you, having such unimaginable sadness and grief deep inside and yet carrying on. I want to put my arms around all of you. ((((hugs)))) and and my very best wishes that you will all find peace before too long.

oh dear Bennan, your lovely, lovely message, I am a widow (hate that word) of 8.1/2 years and so so sad not to have him with me. Hold on to all that love that you have for him and shower him with it and I do hope that he can return his love equally to you, although some men of our generation do find it difficult to express their love as they feel it, but what a wonderful generation we are from. Keep fussing him and loving him as you do, and I wish you many, many years of continuing to wash his woollen sweaters. I send my love to you both. xxxxx