Are you a natural "joiner"?

Thanks PRINTMISS

We moved when we retired and didn't know anyone- that forces you to join things as the only way to get to know people.

Well, it doesn't actually force you unless you want to do it. Some people are quite happy to never get to know people, or would like to but are too shy to join things.

I'm a natural joiner and joiner-inner. One friend used to say I'm a "yes person". I've had to train myself to say no sometimes and to walk away sometimes even after joining something if it gets too much or if I feel I'm not being as useful as I would like that my energies would be better used elsewhere. Difficulties can arise then because some people want more explanation than I'm willing to give and that is awkward.

No.

Unfortunately I am not a joiner. All my life I have hated going to parties even when I was a child. I can speak to people but I am better in a one to one basis rather than in a group situation. As I got older I must say I have improved though! Fortunately my grown up children are not shy so it makes it easier for them. Looking back all those years ago my parents didn't seem to mix either and kept them selves to themselves so I think there lies the problem.

I actually find most people quite boring.

Ouch

Alright. Perhaps not all GNrs.

I'm not a party animal. Joining in order to be a scout or guide leader, or a school governor, or a Rotarian, is not the same thing at all as liking parties.

It did force me! The alternative was not to make any friends. I am not a party person, I have never liked them, but joining things has nothing to do with parties.

It wouldn't force some people, is all I was saying Leticia.

(The party thing was just something rascal mentioned).

I don't find it easy to join clubs, groups and so on. I belong to a photography club, which I joined about 3 years ago along with my DD, who was also quite keen on photography at the time, although she's lost interest now. I seem to get on well with the other members and have thought that some of them are becoming good friends.
I haven't been to the club for a few weeks now, for various reasons - either I've felt unwell, or we've been out and got home too late for me to go. No-one at the club has been in touch to see if I'm OK, not even those who I'd thought had become good friends. And yet another member, who also has health problems and was recently away from the club for a few weeks, was contacted by other members (me included), and was sent flowers from the club. I do feel a little hurt, especially as this other member was someone I'd begun to feel was a good friend, and I'd been in touch when she was ill, suggesting we meet up for coffee. I said I wouldn't push it, but would wait to hear from her when she was feeling up to it. She said, 'Oh yes, that would be lovely', in a long text, asking after my health and my DD's pregnancy and so on. But I haven't heard from her since, and that was 2 months ago. So yes, I do feel hurt, and it doesn't do a lot for my confidence in joining anything else

I dare say it wouldn't but they probably wouldn't move to a completely new area in the first place!

They might have to for some reason or another. Not all people are the same, Leticia!

Oh Ash Tree if only other people followed the principle of " do as you would be done by" . I had a little sulk a few weeks ago when DH was in hospital all week and nobody seemed to notice I wasn't around, no car outside, no phone calls I had just dropped out of circulation it seemed. Some wise people gave me a kindly talking to and I took the plunge and actually rang /called round at a couple of neighbours who were mortified they hadn't realised.
Sadly, it is not always a case of " what goes around comes around" but if you are the sort of person who notices and cares, you can take comfort from knowing that you are doing the right things.
(Virtue is its own reward?)

I used to hate walking into anywhere where I didn't know at least a couple of people. I gave myself a stern talking to, I told myself that I bet most people felt exactly the same as me - and they do, just look at you all. I will talk to anyone now, it doesn't mean I am happy doing it. Relaxation comes with time, I do belong to quite a few things but I find it hard to do as much as I do without a day of seeing no-one in between. The whole thing exhausts me. I can do it, I do do it, but I am always shattered the next day. Choir (2), church flowers, local Show tea tent, book club, knitting club and WI, plus the odd charity coffee morning or, as this coming week, an afternoon tea party. DS finished school two years ago and my relief was great, no more hanging around waiting for him and feeling I should try to make polite conversation. However, once I no longer had to go there, I realised I never saw anyone. That was when I started to think I really should start accepting invitations, I was relying far too much on old friendships with people who live hundreds of miles away, and DBH.

It's far easier online, far less stressful, far less tiring. I am really good at avoiding having to organise things I don't want to, though.

I'm a joiner....think it was the 17 changes of school that taught me to be one. If I didn't make friends quickly then we could potentially be gone again!

I didn't find it as easy when I was younger, but I'm pretty comfortable wit it nowadays. My problem is saying 'no' and meaning it. At one point I was treasurer of three separate village groups and ended up paying myself across the table!

Soutra thank you, you have put things in perspective for me. Perhaps they haven't noticed I've not been around for so long, why should they? I think I might go this week and just act friendly, as if nothing's happened. Well, nothing has happened .

Ana I am one of the people you have spoke about. I moved to a new area eight months ago and have not been out joining groups etc. I do not want to. I want to be on my own. I have enough time trying to manage myself and how I am in a day. I often cancel if I do manage to arrange anything so have got to not arranging anything. So I do know what you mean.

I`m not a joiner either. I`ve always been very shy, and I find it very difficult meeting new people, and am not very good at witty conversation. I went to a GN meet up in 2012, had a lovely day, but the rest of the GNers there probably thought I was very boring, because I spent more time listening to everyone else than I did actually talking! I`d like to try more meet ups, but can`t manage the train changes (why aren`t there direct train journeys anymore?), plus the train fares are horrendous for just a couple of hours there before going home again.
It doesn`t help that my husband isn`t very sociable, he`s quite content slouched in his chair, either asleep or watching TV, he doesn`t see a need to socialise.

These last few posts have made me really think about myself. I am still in touch by letter/email with a couple of friends from school, a couple from College and University and occasionally meet up again with a few from work. I have always avoided school/college 'reunions' as I think I would not have anything in common with them now. I have joined a limited number of clubs/groups in the past, yoga, watercolour painting, woodwork, computer studies, Pilates, (none recently), and though I got on easily with the others I never socialised with them outside the group and now barely remember them. I'm pretty sure they won't remember me either. That doesn't bother me though as I enjoy my own company too. I especially love going for walks alone and though I chat easily to anyone I may see on these walks I would hate to be in a walking club (group). Maybe because I have had a very busy working life and now am heavily in demand by family I relish these 'alone' times which help me to put worries in perspective. Yes, despite other problems, I am happy in my own skin, as they say!
Soutra I come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with being an outsider or observer. As Ana says 'not all people are the same'. The world would be a dull place if they were!

This has been such an interesting thread. Although I am quite able to cope with social situations I do find them quite tiring.

I once did a test with another women who worked next to me and we both came out as confident but reserved and I felt it summed both of us up. Not surprisingly we got along well but were not in constant conversation with one another. We had a lot of marketing people working in the same company and they were very outgoing. They could certainly form a relationship very quickly albeit a very shallow one but I found them loud and very annoying although recognised they were good at their job. The world needs all our strengths and our acceptable weaknesses I suppose.

I would like to add one or two new friends to my small circle but wouldn't we have to have something in common? That means joining something I am really interested in and most of the things I am interested in are not done en masse. I have still to work out how people sew together?

I'm not unhappy though. However, I do realise that having some to care for makes a huge difference so while I am Mum's carer I will feel needed. After that I may become an old lady with cats

This has indeed been an interesting and an eye-opening thread. Quite a lot of you who feel reticent out there in real life, seem to be quite outgoing on here.
I'm fairly outgoing sometimes in real life, but on here I don't post my opinions very often as I'm sure that no one will be interested.

jingl has admitted it!

Durhamjen I did not mean "sad" as in the current sense of pathetic, lacking in social skills etc. I meant that I feel sad that I am not a natural joiner.