Let's be spies too

Who would suspect a sweet little granny sitting on a park bench with state secrets rolled up inside the latest copy of Woman's Weekly?

Good thinking, merlotgran, and if you roll it tightly enough, it's a useful defensive weapon too.

I will! But is it alright if I use a "vape" pipe instead of the meerschaum? Also I do feel that the deerstalker might make my hair go flat, so could I compromise with a fascinator?

Oh dear, just realised that I seem to be in Detective mode, rather than spy, not a good start

Right I'm back, and I think I've got it sussed! I have a radio receiver/transmitter cunningly concealed within this tartan shopping trolley.

I've put my earphones inside my woolly hat and nobody can see them. If I'm busy listening in, anyone who speaks to me will just assume that I'm deaf or demented. Maybe your detective disguise could be handy, phoenix so keep it handy. We could always moonlight with Scotland Yard, after all.

Will do, Roger Wilco, over.

Shhhhhh... valls haf ears.

And who would suspect a granny with a hearing aid of harbouring a communication device?

The Spy Who Came in from the Cold was obviously a granny, just popped back for another cardi and now making her way to a hollow tree to leave a message for her Joe. She is unaware of the bug planted in her handbag and the mole is listening to her muttering,"Tinker, Sailor, oh no, that's not right. My mother said, I never should, play with the gypsies in the wood, or were they tinkers?"
She stops off at Connie's for a cuppa but Connie is drunk and weeping. There's a little man in the corner, polishing his spectacles on the fat end of his tie. Granny hits him with her brolly and cries,"Rich man, poor man, beggar man, PIE!"
Connie finds a mince pie left from Christmas and George makes the tea. The message is forgotten.

I would love to apply for a job. The only trouble is, I can't help thinking that many of the people we socialise with are already retired. So, not exactly up to date with the world of high finance, political wheeler-dealing and industrial espionage then. I have three friends who are married to ex-diplomats, all recently retired and I am sure they are/were not what they wish to seem... Their profile is

constantly twitchy, rarely relaxed. (that's when they sometimes ask me to stop staring at them)
Formal dressers
Tall and slim
Good at small talk, or rather, good at appearing to enjoy it.
Very keen to get involved in everything
Never drink too much
You can sense the reserve even when they appear to be enjoying themselves - they hold back.

As you can see, I am good at observing and studying people.

However, I am more than willing to leave my life of peace and quiet in the countryside for a bit of travelling and spying on people at dinner parties. I am very good at getting people to talk about themselves. Getting them to shut up is more of a problem. I have also become a master of disguise over the years, managing at times to appear a good 10 years younger than I am. Sometimes I even manage to act it. I am also very good at acting just a little more drunk than others at these parties, to make them feel more at ease and a little superior to me, and therefore far more likely to open up.

Do I get the job? I also have a large bra size - perfect for concealing all kinds of gadgetry, even in evening dress.

Aaaaah but I have zee small boobygons perfect for being made to look like zee big boobygons therefore much easier to hide zee equipment. Voudent you say?

Can I sign up? I may soon be issued with a walking stick so I have requested a hollow one in which to conceal my sword. I also have a smart phone which will definitely come in handy as it records stuff if you tell it to - good for hiding behind the teapot when you are having a cream tea with the perp - or is it the sus? Whatever, it will def be useful. Sorry I don't have the large bra size but my knickers are quite big. Is that alright?

Drat! Fell at one of the parts of the profile as listed by janerowena Curses! [buggeremoticon]

Also I can just about manage an A cup , with a bit of pulling that odd bit of spare flesh that us smaller bosomed ladies seem to be able to find with a bit furtling about in the right area.................................

OK, so it's only me

As you were, ladies, as you were.

PS Just in from the tartan shopping trolley, "The red cow flies at midnight, repeat, the red cow flies at midnight"

I'm sure we all know what this means, and will take the appropriate action, no matter how much discomfort it might bring about.

To your post's girls, and toodle pip to all!

Got the dagger at last, so I've put my hair up in a bun to hide it. Hope I remember where I've put it...

I always wanted one of those lipsticks that was really a teeny gun. Many, many times.

Is there a free travel pass with the job? I wouid find that terribly useful.

'Allo, 'allo.....Night'awk calling .....'

Who put trench coats into the charity shop?? We need them back.

if you find where they keep your lipstick, janerowena, could you please look around and see if they have Rosa Klebb shoes with the blades in the front that you can get to pop in and out? I would love a pair to do the tyres of the car which parks over the dropped kerb in a street near here. I need to use the dropped kerb to get my shopping trolley with the rest of my equipment up and down, and as there is plenty of parking space in that street, it annoys me unduly. How are we supposed to stagger zoom about gathering information if we have to spend an hour and a half getting on and off the pavement?

Oh yes, I would love a pair of those too! I was also thinking that there must be a way in which a garrotte could be fashioned into a pretty brooch or necklace. Maybe a necklace would be better. Whip it off my neck and straight onto someone else's.

Purely in self-defense, of course!

What about a quick release lace on your corset, janerowena? You could reach down as if you were absentmindedly having a good scratch, yank it out, and bingo!

Brilliant! That would scare them to death. And probably suffocate them if that didn't work.

If I were Spymaster General I wouldn't hesitate to recruit the lot of you!
Formidable Grannys Army present arms!
Perps and suspects should be quaking in their shoes, no match for GNs Brigade (or should it be a Platoon, or a Battalion- no idea what the difference is !

JaneR.....am creased with laughter!!!