Husband sectioned

I cannot even begin to imagine how mixed up you are feeling at the moment Posie and really don't have any wise words to say to you although I am sure someone will be along soon who will have.

You have obviously had quite a lot to put up with during your marriage and perhaps this is a case of enough really is enough. In a marriage we all have to take the good with the bad, in sickness and in health etc. but from reading your post it would seem that you haven't had a great deal of "smooth". The situation with your DH has been taken out of your hands (for now) and maybe it is time for you to take control and consider whether you can cope having him back living with you if things have got so bad. It's understandable that you will feel terribly upset if you have been with him for 43 years. It's a hell of a long time. When you see the doctor tomorrow try not to let yourself be talked into anything you don't want to do. I am glad that you have a supportive family. My thoughts are with you.

Poor Posie, you have certainly been through the mill! From personal experience, I would say mixed emotions are very much part of a drama in a long lived relationship like yours. However awful he has been, you still have a lot of mutual history and some of this will be happy, some sad.
You have not been stupid for putting up with him, you have done the right thing as it appeared to you at the time. Our generation of women were programmed to make a marriage last. to you and good luck with the next few days.

My heart goes out to you posie can I suggest you check out the Talking Point forum on the Alzheimers society site. There are people there who will understand your current situation.
As for the problems you and DH have had over the past 40+ yrs I can only offer sympathy

Don't look back Posie the past is the past and cannot be changed. You have been through a disturbing experience, on top of what you've had to put up with all these years. Now your body is shouting 'enough'.

You have a respite of 20+ days to decide what you are going to do about your OH and, more importantly, the rest of your life.

Do not make and decisions or commitments yet

Take your time. Try to sleep, relax, eat and spend some time on your own getting your thoughts in order.

What a horrid situation Posie - you will get lots of good advice here!

We thought my mum was going to have to be sectioned but she eventually agreed to go into hospital voluntarily! The hospital was a specialist older person's unit and,although visiting was absolutely awful, the treatment mum received was brilliant and she was only moved to a nursing home when her behaviour was really well controlled.

Use this breathing space to decide what works for you and your family and let us know how things go!

posie How distressing for you.
Just remember that at the time you did the very best you could. It's easy to feel guilty after the event, that's what women do, but you did your best.

Take your time now and don't be bullied into anything you don't want to do.

posie big hug. You've had lots of good advice on here. Mine would be - time to put your own needs first.

How awful for you. it is such a terrible disease and can change someone's personality completely, or exaggerate a tendency that was previously under control.
There is a weird kind of shame attached to being attacked by a partner isn't there, as if we somehow should have stopped it from happening and that makes it difficult to unburden yourself and get support.
I suggest you call your local Women's Aid today. They are very experienced at supporting women of all ages who have been abused. They are not just there for women who need to go to a refuge.They are used to women who feel guilty because they have called the police etc etc
Women's aid workers are your best bet at getting some unjudgemental support and help to help you with your feelings.
Of no luck there try Age Concern and they might be able to put you in touch with someone who can take the time to talk.

it's no surprise that you're feelings are mixed. Lots of good advice and support here and all I can do is add I agree with everyone who says put yourself first, have a much needed rest and work on taking a step back. Sometimes, having outsiders involved in this way can help, I do hope so

Posie - it may be time to call it a day. I worked for many years on a dementia in-patient unit and spouses soldiered on till a point was reached when it became obvious that the situation at home was untenable.

When discussing the future with the hospital staff, please do not commit yourself to having him home again without proper safeguards. You cannot continue with this stressful situation without serious harm to your mental well-being; and if he is being violent, your physical safety also.

Please remember that if they have medicated him whilst in hospital in order to reduce his violent outbursts, this is not the whole answer. If he returns home on a new medication, it will only work if he takes it, and you will be faced with the challenge of getting him to do that, a task that can sometimes be impossible.

They may offer CPN visits and day care, but do not forget that you will be solely responsible between CPN visits, and that getting someone to actually go to day care can be very difficult.

There comes a time when it is right to hand him over to professional care, and this it may be that this moment has arrived.

You will be feeling confused and stressed - dementia is an illness that is beyond reason and families find it very hard to cope. Be assured that there are people on here who wish you well and will support in any way that they can.

You have been coping with this for so long that you probably don't realise how stressed your body has become, now it has suddenly had the problem removed and your body and mind is reacting by giving way to all the emotions you haven't been able to express. I would strongly urge you to take a step back and consider your own needs.

The disease will only get worse, you are no longer a young person and will not be able to give your OH the care he will need. Do ask about what help is available and consider placing him in a home where people are trained to take care of people with his needs.

Time to take care of yourself

It isn't necessarily his Alzheimer's that governs him attacking you, posie. He's a violent man already and the Alzheimer's will disinhibit him such that his ability to control himself has weakened and there's a high risk he'll do it again when he returns home. You need to keep yourself safe, and not live with the fear that he'll harm you again. Please think it through whilst you've got this breather. Liberation from this lifestyle could be the making of you. You will get through this, and if you decide to have contact with him on your terms, perhaps accompanied by a friend, relative or professional, you can avoid being persuaded against your better judgement.

I agree with mishap and when.

So sorry to read this sad story Posie and know what you have had to cope with. I would just add to all the good advice given to turn to your family and let them be strong for you now. They know what he's been like and they will want to help I feel sure. Let them.

Same here, can't really add anything apart that I truly feel for you and hope you can go on to lead a 'normal' life and without guilt- you've done your best (even if at times it didn't feel like it in the circumstances).

Thanks everyone for advice & kind wishes. A lot to think through before I see his Dr this afternoon.

My son's staying with me at the moment & he's going with me. I'm dreading the time when he's got to go back home to England.
I've never lived on my own before. Went straight from living with parents to moving in with OH. I was a very naïve 16yrs old when I met him & he was 40.
Alz Scot has arranged for a social worker to come & see me tomorrow. Don't think they do magic wands though?

No Posie (to the magic wand) and although well meaning not a lot of support either. I have a long way to go before I get to your situation but even having had a good marriage -56years on Saturday- I am finding it hard to cope with the personality change. You really do have to take all the advice you have had on here and think of your safety and you must have some peace of mind for your own future.Keeping marriage vows of "in sickness and in health" does not cover violence and fear,you will have to ask yourself if enough is enough.

and a big hug.

posie, there are worse things than living on your own

Don't let the thought of living alone influence you. I was widowed 3 years ago after 43 very happy years and had never lived alone. Yes there have been times when I have been lonely and depressed, but I now look upon this as a new phase of my life, not one I would have chosen but different. You have a supportive family and you will make friends.

You can be alone without being lonely. Do consider how better your life is going to be without the worry and stress of taking care of your OH, I would think a nursing home would be the best solution. You can visit whenever you want with the knowledge that all his needs are being taken care of.

Posie I suspect you feel you can't cope now because you have been relieved of the stress. IMO people go on coping with all sorts of incredible stress because they "have to" and then tend to "collapse" later when the pressure is relieved.

You do need to look after yourself while you can. Do not get emotionally blackmailed into having him back if his "behaviour" does not get better.

You should not put your self in a position where you could get injured by a partner with aggression even if it is a result of Alzheimers.

(((((hugs))))

Be strong, Posie, but for yourself now! You have endured so much, and coped, and it must be your time now. Try to rest, and to put yourself first.

Posie I had never lived alone until I was widowed two years ago either. At college I lived in a Hall of Residence with 60 other young women - always someone to moan about essays or discuss Life with. Then I moved back to my parents for a few years until I married. That was how it was done then, unless you found work in another town.

Once the funeral was over and my family got back to their own lives, I faced my first nights in an empty house. It was eerie, no noise, no lights on if I came home after dark, no -one to make me a cup of coffee or talk about what we would eat.

But I have acclimatised. I leave a light on when I may be back late, so that I don't go into a dark house. I keep a filter coffee pot on the go all day, I have conversations with myself about what is in the fridge (could be locked up if anyone heard!) Family phone me, I speak to neighbours whenever I meet them and the have given me lifts when I needed them (I don't drive), I meet friends for a meal occasionally and go into town when I fel like it.

There are compensations. You get your own choice of TV programme. No-one shouts down the stairs at 1 am as you are finishing a good book "Are you coming to bed some time tonight or not?" If you decide to paint the kitchen ceiling in red purple and green stripes with a motif of cerise and ornage flowers, no-one suggests that magnolia would be a better choice.

And in your case, you are free of the fear of possible violence.