Husband sectioned

Such a lot of good advice here posie, particularly to decide what is best for yourself, not to rush any decisions and not to feel guilty! Hope Alz Scot can help - they were a great help to DMIL when DSFIL was declining from Alzheimers.

Good advice there from Mishap, let yourself relax and be kind to yourself for a while. Your body has been on 'red alert' for so long, it needs to 'come down'.

I can understand that you might feel "abandoned" even if it sounds illogical.

It does sound as though the professionals recognise that being at home is not really an option at present for your OH and life is going to be full of adjustments for you. Your life has been filled to the brim with caring for him and keeping yourself safe that, even though it should be a relief, it will feel strange to start with. Some of that will be to do with simply having more time; but also you will have been running on adrenalin for a long time and your body will take some time to adjust itself to the fact that this is no longer needed.

It is a difficult time when things "come to a head" and it is clear that life changes are needed, because, as you say, the final phase seems to come in a rush.

You will adapt - truly I have seen many many people do so, but it will take a little time and you need to be kind to yourself. You need to take time to sit and relax - read, watch TV, cook etc. - and also to do some of those things that you could not do because you were a full time carer. Things will get better over time.

for both of you

Well, meeting went ok I think.
They had already more or less decided that it wouldn't be safe to allow OH back home. Dr said even if they sent someone out to give him his medicine every day the same triggers were still there to potentially harm me. Basically his paranoid thoughts that I'm having affairs with every man around! Even though he's on medication Dr said he's still having those thoughts & probably still will.

He had been prescribed a anti psychotic drug nearly a year ago because of paranoia but refused to take it & removed it from his dossette box every night. I'd told the Dr this but they're was never any suggestion then that someone could come round to make sure he had it! But then as I'm typing this I've realised that would have been impossible anyway because he would still have refuse & erupted!

Saw OH afterwards & it's obvious that he has declined already, although medication will be having effect as well.
I was bit worried about how he was going to be with me & a male nurse stayed in the room. Needn't have worried as he was very calm, not agitated at all. He knows he's not at home (said he'll fix car when he gets back home) but I don't think he realises that he's in hospital.

I'm still up & down, it's all just come to a head so quickly, I can't really get my head round it all.

He's definitely in the right place at the moment, can talk non stop to nurses etc. (getting him to stop is the problem) got no worries, looked after & I'm glad about that, but also it feels like he caused all these problems & stresses then just abandoned me.

I know that's not how it was - not his fault he got Alzheimer's - just how I feel.

Just one other pointposie - please try and make your decisions based on what is right for you and your family and not on what others might think of you - or what you fear they might think.

You will obviously feel that you have some responsibility towards your OH, but there is more than one way of discharging that responsibility. Handing him over to the professionals is a perfectly reasonable way of doing this. There is a limit to what a spouse can do in what is a very complex illness - you would not expect to take his appendix out! - equally you should not ask yourself to be able to deal alone with his illness.

I do hope that there have been some positive outcomes from your meeting.

Posie what a very difficult situation. Agree with others put herself first you ca t live I. Fear no one should expect you to.

I hope you let us know how things went Posie but I bet you've got a lot to think about

Posie - nothing to add except be kind to yourself.

I think there has been some very good advice here. I have no experience so can only agree with those who say that it is time to think of yourself and no one else. I know that is easy to say but when you have spent your life looking after a family it becomes second nature to put everyone else first and you will find it hard to think of yourself.

I am glad you shared your problem here as there are plenty of people who are knowledgeable and will help. I suspect it is the first time you have had time to think about the situation as you have been so busy dealing with it. Just get used to not having him there and refuse to have him back as I think he will only get worse.

Your time now

I hope your appointment went well this afternoon posie and things are now a bit clearer. Not much that I can add that hasn't already been said.

It is natural to feel confused and mixed-up when your life changes in such a drastic way - everything that was familiar has now changed but that may just turn out to have changed for the better, for everyone including your husband if he can live with people who are better able to cope with his illness. You have probably done a sterling job these past few years but now it is time for you to recharge your batteries.

I do wish you well posie and remember that it takes time to adjust.

Oh, one other thing - living on your own can be such a boon, especially if you have undergone years of stress that are/were family related. Again, it just takes time to readjust, I would never share my home with anyone again - I love the independence too much.

I assure you that was just a hypothetical colour scheme,*nina*. i would get a headache too!

Good post Elegran

I'm getting a headache thinking about that kitchen

Posie I had never lived alone until I was widowed two years ago either. At college I lived in a Hall of Residence with 60 other young women - always someone to moan about essays or discuss Life with. Then I moved back to my parents for a few years until I married. That was how it was done then, unless you found work in another town.

Once the funeral was over and my family got back to their own lives, I faced my first nights in an empty house. It was eerie, no noise, no lights on if I came home after dark, no -one to make me a cup of coffee or talk about what we would eat.

But I have acclimatised. I leave a light on when I may be back late, so that I don't go into a dark house. I keep a filter coffee pot on the go all day, I have conversations with myself about what is in the fridge (could be locked up if anyone heard!) Family phone me, I speak to neighbours whenever I meet them and the have given me lifts when I needed them (I don't drive), I meet friends for a meal occasionally and go into town when I fel like it.

There are compensations. You get your own choice of TV programme. No-one shouts down the stairs at 1 am as you are finishing a good book "Are you coming to bed some time tonight or not?" If you decide to paint the kitchen ceiling in red purple and green stripes with a motif of cerise and ornage flowers, no-one suggests that magnolia would be a better choice.

And in your case, you are free of the fear of possible violence.

Be strong, Posie, but for yourself now! You have endured so much, and coped, and it must be your time now. Try to rest, and to put yourself first.

Posie I suspect you feel you can't cope now because you have been relieved of the stress. IMO people go on coping with all sorts of incredible stress because they "have to" and then tend to "collapse" later when the pressure is relieved.

You do need to look after yourself while you can. Do not get emotionally blackmailed into having him back if his "behaviour" does not get better.

You should not put your self in a position where you could get injured by a partner with aggression even if it is a result of Alzheimers.

(((((hugs))))

Don't let the thought of living alone influence you. I was widowed 3 years ago after 43 very happy years and had never lived alone. Yes there have been times when I have been lonely and depressed, but I now look upon this as a new phase of my life, not one I would have chosen but different. You have a supportive family and you will make friends.

You can be alone without being lonely. Do consider how better your life is going to be without the worry and stress of taking care of your OH, I would think a nursing home would be the best solution. You can visit whenever you want with the knowledge that all his needs are being taken care of.

posie, there are worse things than living on your own

and a big hug.

No Posie (to the magic wand) and although well meaning not a lot of support either. I have a long way to go before I get to your situation but even having had a good marriage -56years on Saturday- I am finding it hard to cope with the personality change. You really do have to take all the advice you have had on here and think of your safety and you must have some peace of mind for your own future.Keeping marriage vows of "in sickness and in health" does not cover violence and fear,you will have to ask yourself if enough is enough.

Thanks everyone for advice & kind wishes. A lot to think through before I see his Dr this afternoon.

My son's staying with me at the moment & he's going with me. I'm dreading the time when he's got to go back home to England.
I've never lived on my own before. Went straight from living with parents to moving in with OH. I was a very naïve 16yrs old when I met him & he was 40.
Alz Scot has arranged for a social worker to come & see me tomorrow. Don't think they do magic wands though?

Same here, can't really add anything apart that I truly feel for you and hope you can go on to lead a 'normal' life and without guilt- you've done your best (even if at times it didn't feel like it in the circumstances).

So sorry to read this sad story Posie and know what you have had to cope with. I would just add to all the good advice given to turn to your family and let them be strong for you now. They know what he's been like and they will want to help I feel sure. Let them.

I agree with mishap and when.

It isn't necessarily his Alzheimer's that governs him attacking you, posie. He's a violent man already and the Alzheimer's will disinhibit him such that his ability to control himself has weakened and there's a high risk he'll do it again when he returns home. You need to keep yourself safe, and not live with the fear that he'll harm you again. Please think it through whilst you've got this breather. Liberation from this lifestyle could be the making of you. You will get through this, and if you decide to have contact with him on your terms, perhaps accompanied by a friend, relative or professional, you can avoid being persuaded against your better judgement.