Looking back as a parent

At least we're honest, nightowl. And we know our children love us, failings and all.

It is strange that this should come up now, because I just recently have been feeling really guilty about sending our son away to week-day boarding school at 10 years old. If you read my blog you will know he has learning difficulties. He is now 56 years old and has been without speech all his life, and since he cannot write, has difficulty communicating. It has always been a fact of his life, and accepted by the family, I use my hands when talking and he learned a sort of sign language from me, but it is only during the past few months that I have thought how unkind I was to throw him into the world where although people were trained to help him, he had to make himself understood without words. Then, I look at him, living what they now call 'independently' (in the broadest sense of the word) and know that I was cruel, but he has a better life because he has had to learn to cope. I love him to bits, very proud of him, I think he loves me, likes us to visit him and take him out. We are not the hugging kissing type of family, and the only time he has actually hugged me was when we accidentally bumped into him in the foyer of the local theatre, when he had just moved into a new house with new people, and was obviously a little worried. The look of relief and pleasure on his face was something I had never seen before - although I knew that he had moved in with people who knew him and would care about him. My daughter and I smile at each other when I mention 'tough love', because she went through a rough patch in her late teens, when unfortunately we could just not see eye to eye about anything, but she fortunately had a lovely boy-friend (now our lovely son-in-law), and as she says herself I was always there. Would I have done things differently? We can only act on what we have at the time, and hopefully make the best of that, so probably not.

Printmiss I feel very moved to read your heartfelt post about your lovely boy. I think feeling guilty comes with motherhood. It never feels that we have done quite enough or done or said quite the right thing. You did your best - and still are doing. You prepared your fledgling to cope when you edged him out of the nest - and he has coped and will continue to do so when you are no longer there to watch over him. So I say "Well done you".

P.S. Hope the new specs help you to see things more clearly!!

Well said, gaga.

I have always thought that a major and essential part of parenting responsibility is to push one's children away, inch by inch, towards independence from a very early age so that growing up to become independent just, as it were, 'happens', just as growing up physically does. I don't mean that one loves one's children less as time goes on, only that one has a duty to help them become independent animals. I'm always reminded of this thought of mine when I see wildlife films that show how other animals do this same thing. It looks like parental rejection sometimes, but it isn't, it's parental teaching. It's parents saying "time to do it yourself. You'll be glad you know how some day."

Yes, I agree with bags...sometimes love is holding on, and, equally important, sometimes letting go.

Indeed, out role is to start letting go from day on to some degree; and there is joy in seeing our young ones make their own lives.

I guess my OP was really about the distress my DD was suffering as a young person and our impotence to do anything about it. The extent of her suffering is only just emerging, and I cannot help but wonder if I would have done things differently had I known; or indeed whether I should have pressed her harder to try and get her tom open up then - but it might have just pushed her away.

Thank goodness she is well now.

I think that considering the post from dorsetpennt that it is easier to do it right if you have to take the decisions by yourself and not have partner contradicting you or going behind your back.

Looking back i would not have done much differently, i was always rather easy going. perhaps i should have insisted they practiced their musical instruments. i read a lot of child psychology and some of it was rubbish but other parts very good. I started a family conference, where we all sat round the table and discussed simple everyday things like meals and punctuality and tidiness and voted on it. It was often very hard as a parent to accept a majority vote but we did.

I was lucky not to have depressive child and I am sure that is a terrible worry and impossible to get everything right in such a situation.

Yes, thank goodness Mishap and I am very pleased for you and your DD.

Thank you ff - she is well because a suitable anti-depressant has been found that has caused her to blossom. I hope that she will be able to continue with it, as I am very nervous of anyone tinkering with it for fear she might go back to square one.

I hope the treatment continues successfully too, mishap. What a worry it must have been for you and distressing for you and her.

Thanks bags - it was not a great time, but it is lovely to see the real woman behind the anxiety - and she is a super Mum.

Mishap long may you daughter continue to blossom. I'm delighted to hear that she's much improved. I'm hoping that the sun is shining on you both. Tis awfully midgey here in bonnie Kintyre. Cannot hang the washing outside to dry. Unable to scoff enjoy a Magnum, sitting on a freshly painted garden seat. All too much. Blighters! For want of a more apt description.

The trouble is no one teaches us to be parents, - I don't think anyone could except for giving a few hints here and there - so we muddle along as best as we can, trying to instil values into these new beings with our fingers well and truly crossed. But these little people also have their own agenda which I'm just reliving with my 18m old GS!

I feel guilty to say I found motherhood really hard and am ashamed at how I used to lose my temper and shout at my son.

i had post natal depression and kept it away from most people as I felt they would think me a failure.

Things improved when my son was 3 and I started communicating with him better.

He has grown into a lovely lad 40 this year and I am so proud of him.

The wonderful thing is that I now have 2 young grandsons and all the feelings I should have had for my son are what I am experiencing with these 2 youngsters. So it is not too late to show that I can be a good Nan.

I agree Mishap parenthood is tough.

I have no regrets about my ability as a mother - I was a brilliant one

Would I do things differently knowing what I know now? Yes, I would have put a career first.

I must have done something right, judging by what my DSs tell me.

My beautiful daughter wrote me a letter before she died, to be opened when she'd gone. She wrote that I had given her 'roots and wings'. I thought my heart would burst.

How very sad Dragonfly1 . So glad you have the lasting gift from your girl.

Dragonfly Not just beautiful but thoughtful and loving too

janeainsworth I agree with your comment and feel the same 'I do look back and not exactly wish I'd done things differently, but perhaps been more aware of their feelings, and made more time for them.'

Seems to be coming back on me now that they are adults themselves and sometimes unable to cope and blame me.

I had a horrid upbringing myself with a narcissistic mother and vowed to do everything differently from her but sadly when I look back now there were some things I didn't recognise at the time which might have been damaging to them.

I don't think I should have been a mother. I didn't enjoy them as babies at all. Again something that I may have picked up from my own mother when I was very young was that she didn't like babies and wanted 3 sons - ended up with one daughter, me!

Luckily DD1 seems besotted with DGS and manages to combine p/t work with looking after him, stressful as it is. She did pick up from me that outside work can be beneficial for families, and not just for financial requirements. DD2 may not have children - she doesn't appear to like them very much.

Now they are both adults I find myself berating myself constantly on what i could/should have done so that they might have ended up happier and more balanced adults than either appear to be.

harrigran both mine were chased out of the nest when they went to uni but both came back - DD1 for two years before moving in with her boyfriend (later husband) and DD2 because when she graduated 6 years ago (after taking a year out having a breakdown) the recession began and there were no jobs. She is still at home saving like mad but she only earns 18K so even when she does move out at the end of this year (fingers crossed) life will be tough for her (and she will be almost 30.)

Dragonfly so sad that you lost your daughter but what a loving thing to write you.

Mishap so glad your DD has found the right treatment. Long may she prosper!

Dragonfly My nephew died at 16. He underwent two years of treatment for cancer, in and out of hospital. He was my brother's son. On one of the occasions when he was allowed home, he started playfully trying cajole us aunts and uncles to give him some money but wouldn't say what it was for. We all chipped in after which he presented his mum and dad with a card with the money he had gathered together inside it. The card read - 'please have a nice meal out on me, I am sorry for causing you so much trouble'.

Katy - what an amazing young man. His parents must have been proud.