Looking back as a parent

storynanny

If there hadn't been times that you shouted and been impatient, wouldn't that make you emotionless? The fact that you did makes you just like every other parent so I wouldn't feel badly about that. Children can drive their parents up the wall at times as we all know.

As you have said: 'they all seem to be happy, contented adults' and if they reached that point without committing any cardinal sins against society, you did a good job

No I don't think you're deluding yourself story nanny.

I nostalgically look back and wish I hadn't shouted, been impatient, etc at times and look at my DPs daughter and think what an amazing mum she is. However I did what I thought was my very best at the time and they all seem to be happy contented adults.
Who knows how they really feel though about their childhood especially in my case where divorce was involved.
The fact that we are on this site still posting our concerns etc about our families show we are at least caring ladies. Doesn't it? Or am I deluding myself!

Mishap, it's good to hear your daughter is benefiting from treatment and also that she's being more open with you about her difficulties. I agree, parenting is something of a minefield - I think it's probably the most demanding 'job' any of us ever do.

It's no surprise to read that anxiety and depression run in your husband's family, given what you say about your daughter and now one of her own children. It's a puzzle that generally, society seems to accept that physical characteristics run in families, but to seek to blame parents when children experience mental health problems. I am not minimising the impact of childhood experience on the way children develop by the way folks

We all did our best at the time. I do clearly remember being torn apart and very stressed as my kids were at the difficult stages of adolescence at exactly the same time as my ageing parents suffered major health problems. Trying to hold down a job as well as meeting everyone's needs meant I was running ragged and absolutely exhausted most of the time.
If only the problems had been 'staggered' instead of all at once I would have coped better. Not perfect by any means but I did my best. And you can't do better than that.

He was indeed Dragonfly, as amazing as your daughter sounds.

Katy - what an amazing young man. His parents must have been proud.

Dragonfly My nephew died at 16. He underwent two years of treatment for cancer, in and out of hospital. He was my brother's son. On one of the occasions when he was allowed home, he started playfully trying cajole us aunts and uncles to give him some money but wouldn't say what it was for. We all chipped in after which he presented his mum and dad with a card with the money he had gathered together inside it. The card read - 'please have a nice meal out on me, I am sorry for causing you so much trouble'.

Mishap so glad your DD has found the right treatment. Long may she prosper!

Dragonfly so sad that you lost your daughter but what a loving thing to write you.

harrigran both mine were chased out of the nest when they went to uni but both came back - DD1 for two years before moving in with her boyfriend (later husband) and DD2 because when she graduated 6 years ago (after taking a year out having a breakdown) the recession began and there were no jobs. She is still at home saving like mad but she only earns 18K so even when she does move out at the end of this year (fingers crossed) life will be tough for her (and she will be almost 30.)

janeainsworth I agree with your comment and feel the same 'I do look back and not exactly wish I'd done things differently, but perhaps been more aware of their feelings, and made more time for them.'

Seems to be coming back on me now that they are adults themselves and sometimes unable to cope and blame me.

I had a horrid upbringing myself with a narcissistic mother and vowed to do everything differently from her but sadly when I look back now there were some things I didn't recognise at the time which might have been damaging to them.

I don't think I should have been a mother. I didn't enjoy them as babies at all. Again something that I may have picked up from my own mother when I was very young was that she didn't like babies and wanted 3 sons - ended up with one daughter, me!

Luckily DD1 seems besotted with DGS and manages to combine p/t work with looking after him, stressful as it is. She did pick up from me that outside work can be beneficial for families, and not just for financial requirements. DD2 may not have children - she doesn't appear to like them very much.

Now they are both adults I find myself berating myself constantly on what i could/should have done so that they might have ended up happier and more balanced adults than either appear to be.

Dragonfly Not just beautiful but thoughtful and loving too

How very sad Dragonfly1 . So glad you have the lasting gift from your girl.

My beautiful daughter wrote me a letter before she died, to be opened when she'd gone. She wrote that I had given her 'roots and wings'. I thought my heart would burst.

I must have done something right, judging by what my DSs tell me.

I have no regrets about my ability as a mother - I was a brilliant one

Would I do things differently knowing what I know now? Yes, I would have put a career first.

I feel guilty to say I found motherhood really hard and am ashamed at how I used to lose my temper and shout at my son.

i had post natal depression and kept it away from most people as I felt they would think me a failure.

Things improved when my son was 3 and I started communicating with him better.

He has grown into a lovely lad 40 this year and I am so proud of him.

The wonderful thing is that I now have 2 young grandsons and all the feelings I should have had for my son are what I am experiencing with these 2 youngsters. So it is not too late to show that I can be a good Nan.

I agree Mishap parenthood is tough.

The trouble is no one teaches us to be parents, - I don't think anyone could except for giving a few hints here and there - so we muddle along as best as we can, trying to instil values into these new beings with our fingers well and truly crossed. But these little people also have their own agenda which I'm just reliving with my 18m old GS!

Mishap long may you daughter continue to blossom. I'm delighted to hear that she's much improved. I'm hoping that the sun is shining on you both. Tis awfully midgey here in bonnie Kintyre. Cannot hang the washing outside to dry. Unable to scoff enjoy a Magnum, sitting on a freshly painted garden seat. All too much. Blighters! For want of a more apt description.

Thanks bags - it was not a great time, but it is lovely to see the real woman behind the anxiety - and she is a super Mum.

I hope the treatment continues successfully too, mishap. What a worry it must have been for you and distressing for you and her.

Thank you ff - she is well because a suitable anti-depressant has been found that has caused her to blossom. I hope that she will be able to continue with it, as I am very nervous of anyone tinkering with it for fear she might go back to square one.

Yes, thank goodness Mishap and I am very pleased for you and your DD.

I think that considering the post from dorsetpennt that it is easier to do it right if you have to take the decisions by yourself and not have partner contradicting you or going behind your back.

Looking back i would not have done much differently, i was always rather easy going. perhaps i should have insisted they practiced their musical instruments. i read a lot of child psychology and some of it was rubbish but other parts very good. I started a family conference, where we all sat round the table and discussed simple everyday things like meals and punctuality and tidiness and voted on it. It was often very hard as a parent to accept a majority vote but we did.

I was lucky not to have depressive child and I am sure that is a terrible worry and impossible to get everything right in such a situation.