Looking back as a parent

What a bad situation for all of you Mishap. Yes, there can't be many parents who can look back and say 'Wow! I got it all right, aren't I wonderful?' I often wish I could go back in time and do everything [just about, ]in a different way.But we were busy, working, looking after all of the children and possibly other family members as well, feeling tired, and with hardly any time for ourselves.It's better really, to think about the times when we got things right and not dwell on the times we did it wrong.Being a parent and not just ourselves, doesn't come with a handbook, and neither does being a grandparent.We all muddle on doing the best we can, often under difficult circumstances.

My ex-husband left us when my son was 8 and my daughter was 5. We had been living a comfortable life in New York and we had to return to the U.K. It was hard on all of us. Finding a home, a job around school time and being a lone parent. We had to do without family holidays and a car - my kids used to fly over to NY or he'd come here every other year. We lived in a small flat but luckily we lived by the sea, so although no holidays we had the beach, the countryside and the New Forest to play in. I was, still am, lucky to have wonderful friends who helped and who propped me up. Eventually I got a better job with better pay. My son went to Uni and my daughter to college. Both are doing really well in their careers and my son has presented me with 2 wonderful granddaughters.
I honestly don't think I could have done any better. I worked hard at being a lone parent and I'm now reaping the rewards. My ex said recently to my son that he envied my relationship with our grandchildren. Serves him right.

Yes Mishap, I do look back and not exactly wish I'd done things differently, but perhaps been more aware of their feelings, and made more time for them.
There were times when I felt almost overwhelmed by other responsibilities - my work, DH working away from home, DM becoming dependent on us, so that the DCs took not only second place but third and fourth place at times.
Not good perhaps, but we did the best we could at the time and I'm sure you did too.

I look back and think I could have done better, but on deeper reflection I know that I did the very best I could at the time.
However, I did make sure that my kids knew that they were totally loved no matter what happened.

They still love me and show it, so I can't have been too bad!

Nobody's perfect.

I would change a few things, but not anything major.

When I look at how they have all turned out, I consider we must have got it all pretty well right. At the time we just sort of muddled through.

Well done to both Mishap & dorsetpennt for coming out the other end so well,I sometimes wish I had handled the situation better when DD met her 1st partner and did not make such a fuss about him being unsuitable in every way, I am convinced it drove her further away at the time and made for quite a few stressful years but then I can say if she hadn't done so well at school and went to college she wouldn't have met him in the first place so sometimes fate takes over and there is nothing you can do as a parent just sit back and pick up the pieces,I do think I have faired better as a nanna than
a mum sometimes but put that down to experience and learning to keep my thoughts to myself.

Oh yes, there is so much that I would change if I could re-visit the past, but that's not a luxury I have and so I remind myself that I was a 'good enough' parent to my children. If I hadn't made the mistakes I did then I'm realistic enough to know that I would simply have made others. C'est la vie! (rueful )

yes I agree with a lot said here, but mostly I want a `re-play' to not only adjust the mistakes- but to enjoy again those days of sharing work and laughter; we learnt as they our children were learning, it was great fun, but also hard labour!
my eldest daug; at 16 yrs said to me ---oh house work is easy !!! oh thought I she has a low respect for me?
many years later , I asked her if she still thought the same? her answer brought tears to my eyes, no she said, you made it look easy ! we never question what it was like for our parents? but I remember saying I will never do that to my children!
we all do our best most of the time, its nature to fail at some things!

good health to you all, this we can never control! only try too.

I am always looking back and wishing I had done things differently. There is a picture of my 4 children aged from 5 - 12 standing in their new school uniforms about to enter their new schools post divorce. They must have been terrified. I feel so guilty and could have handled it all better. I have spoken to them (some of them) about my guilt and they said that I did the best I could and that they are fine. I hope so.

I know that I was a loving mother and they were well fed, clothed and I spent time with them ie picnics, walks, playing with them but I still have this terrible mother's guilt.

We can't re-wind; there are many things I wish I had done better but it is only with hindsight that I realise how I could have handled things in a different way. It was very difficult at times with DH away a lot, an elderly mother to care for, a job and two spirited teenagers and a younger child. I know I acted instinctively a lot of the time when I should have counted to 10 and thought before speaking or acting, but what's done is done and they seem fine now I hope.

Mishap

I so understand where you are coming from.

I vividly remember sitting at our kitchen table having tea with my DD. She was about 9 years old at the time and I looked at her hands and saw scratches on her fingers.

I asked her how had she scratched her hand. She quickly shoved the other one under the table and said nothing. I asked again and she broke down in tears.

She held out her hands and it was obvious she had been 'self harming' and had 3 cut marks on each finger above and below the knuckle. I was beyond shocked as I thought I was the best mum in the world, don't we all.

She was being bullied at school and outside of school. I never got over that episode of our lives and neither has she, although she is now a lovely 36 year old mum herself.

The feeling of being a bad parent lasted for a long time until I had to rationalise the situation and see it for what it was. To this day I worry about the same thing happening to DGD. We never get over it as parents as it simply goes against all expectations of ourselves as being our child's guardian and protector for life.

I suppose the feeling of mental anguish is hard to relate to others and that compounds the problem and makes it worse. I think it is more common than we think and perhaps that is the best way to for us to stop taking it so personally.

Hugs to your DD.

Oh Mishap we've been in a similar situation with our DD - and sadly she's going through another bout at the moment. My son too went through a bad patch too but seems to have come out the other side now. Looking back I don't think I could have done anything different although perhaps I shut out their problems more than I should have done because my mother was depressive and took to alcohol and a couple of suicide attempt for Good measure. Perhaps I couldn't and didn't want to believe I was going to have to put up with it all again. Very selfish I know. Luckily DH is more grounded than I am and is superb at supporting DD. I do my best with the GC and do worry about how it affects them. I found it very difficult to be a parent but I'm glad to have had the opportunity - although you never stop being a parent do you?

I also have guilt feelings about what I and their Dad put them through as children. He had/has severe psychiatric problems, and I probably wasn't as understanding as I should have been. And the poor kids got the brunt of it. We should probably never have got married, but then we would never have had these lovely children.
To some extent parental stress strengthens children, as long as they know they're loved.
We both remarried and the children have survived fairly well TG.
I know I behaved selfishly for some years and recently I've apologised to them for this, I think they were surprised but pleased.
They're all 45+ now btw.

I don't know what I could have done differently so I don't feel any guilt. My sons have turned out well, with a few hiccups on the way; they have settled with lovely partners and are proving to be first class dads. It isn't the fact that there are hiccups in their and our lives, but it's how you deal with them at the time.

I too have bouts of guilty feelings on how I handled my ex and his alcoholism while my children were small and then our divorce when they were teens.. I know they felt I abandoned them when I left him and them , my excuse was they needed to stay in the only home they had ever known just a few minutes walk from their school and near their grandparents while I had to move into my Mum and Dads spare box room... its a long tale but needless to say they don't blame me and have all grown up healthy and balanced and have given me 8 wonderful grandchildren who are all very loving .

Yes, quite right Anno - just have to show them a wide variety of ways to cope - though those often aren't learnt until long after their childhood. Kids who've had a perfect life often can't deal with what comes their way as adults. Also if you did one thing with one child, the same probably won't work with another. It's as much about their perception of what happens as much as what actually happens. I beat myself up for ages that I didn't pick up my DD2s leukaemia earlier, blaming myself for being very busy getting a business going, but then neither did GPs & she was doing things that you wouldn't expect a very ill teenager to do.
If either of my GCs inherit SiL's ADHD then I tell their parents that it will never be so bad as for their Dad as they know how to help them whereas he had 35 years of negative reactions on top of the untreated condition.
Maybe Mishap it will be the same for your GC - you have all that experience to draw on, so better to do that than dwell on a past through the specs of hindsight & more wisdom. To all who feel guilty, turn it into something useful & be compassionate to your old selves.

There is nothing I would change, I did everything I could to educate DC and make them independent. They are loving and caring and because I chased them out of the nest at 18 they keep coming back and back

Choose a father for my kids a lot more carefully.

So much I would do differently. My DD is a far better mother to her DD than I was I think. I was married at 19 and had my DD when I was 20. I was rather selfish at times as I hadn't really lived. Because of my dreadful childhood, all I wanted for my own daughter was that she was well turned out, well mannered, had family holidays, went on school trips if we could possibly afford them. Everything that I didn't have basically. I was never ambitious for her academically. Her own daughter is very bright and my DD has made sure that she works hard to achieve. It was never important to me with my DD, I just wanted her to be like the other kids which I never was. I also sometimes regret only having one child although my daughter only has one, so she can't have been unhappy I suppose. I have told her in the past that she is a far better mother than me and she says 'don't be ridiculous, I get my mothering skills from you' but she is just being kind I think. I should have made it less about me and more about her which is how she is with her own daughter.

I completely "muddled through motherhood" without much of a plan. So far we've had a few hiccups with our son, our daughter has never given any trouble and is a well rounded, well grounded, terrific woman. So it can't be me because I raised both of them the same.

Lona I could have written your post.

Grannyknot

I know I could have done better, and I can't console myself with the thought that I did the best I could at the time. I could and should have tried harder. I couldn't have loved them any more than I did and do - they are my whole world - but love is definitely not enough.

nightowl, I feel much the same...

Ana .

I do try to forgive myself and it's not about self-pity, or beating myself up, but it's a horrible feeling isn't it? I'm trying to be a better grandmother than I was a mother