Friends with attitude

My best friend from school knows everything, she knows even more about subjects I have studied at university or spent a career working on than I do. She is a doctor who reached a very senior position and is used to being the great 'I am' and still assumes it.

We remain close because our friendship was forged at a boarding school we both thoroughly loathed and where we were both 'odd ones out'. We are both deeply subversive, a description of us made by others - and when I have been struck down - by the death of my sister, DD's accident that could have left her with a serious disability - she was there with comfort and practical advice and help and I hope I have been there for her when needed.

After 60 years it will take a lot to break our friendship despite at times wanting to throw something at her.

My closest friend is a bustler, and drives me mad! Wouldn't change her for the world, dread the time when she will not longer be here to bustle me. I think I probably drive her mad with my laid back attitude, that is what friendship is all about, isn't it?

Know what you mean. I have a friend who is great company, terrific sense of humour, always has me feeling giggly and relaxed whenever we chat or get together.
But her very annoying trait is to say she is not sure if we can meet up next week because of this or that, making excuses, and wanting to leave it to the last minute, and then either say yes ok we will meet or no sorry I have to do this or that or she does not feel well. If she fancies spending the day on her own or doing something else she says "oh dear, Ive come down with the flu again" or whatever.

One of my closest friends whom I've known for 20+ yrs is constantly telling me about her, her OH and her daughter's ailments and their various hospital appointments etc. I do sympathise but there's only so many times you can say "Oh dear"

Turkishdelights

I have an ex-friend with these traits.

We used to take turns meeting up at her house or ours. But when we were due to go to hers she cancelled and made another date. The other date came up and then she again cancelled. The final straw came just before the allotted date she rang to say can she put us off yet again because her cousin was coming. Well I was furious, I would never put off the original appointment for someone else, how rude! I haven't bothered with her since.

Prior to this, I and others were sitting around one persons house waiting for her to arrive so we could all go out for a meal. A phone call comes telling us she had been invited out by someone else so wouldn't be coming, again how rude!!

Did you tell her? Did you point out (oh so gently) that she was treating you as second-best in cancelling your date because something better had come along?

Because if you did not, she will think that it was OK. When girls are young, and still on the lookout for gorgeous talent, it is accepted that if they are asked out by a hunk, their female friends wish them well and don't mind being dumped, but in a grown woman it is just rude. If she does not realise that and stop, she will find that she is not invited anywhere, because she can't be relied upon to appear. She needs to grow up.

I'm feeling a bit let down right now by a long-standing friend of nearly thirty years who thinks that conversational emails are the new daily bulletin! it was bad enough when we just had the occasional phone call that I found a bit one-sided but now I can get several emails daily if she's in the middle of a crisis or one of her favourite house renovations. Detailed messages about her mother's bowel movements and rants about how long the old lady had overstayed her welcome on this earth and how she ought to do the decent thing were common place until recently. But after all this time I guess we're all allowed to vent and offload to friends although I didn't always like what she wrote.

Last week I needed a friendly ear about something worrying so emailed her. I got a reply this morning, six days later, and half way down her usual bulletin about her family and their weekend away and the grandchildren and what is still to do for Christmas she asked if I was feeling better now? That was it! She totally overlooked my fears and worries nor seems to have noticed that its so unlike me to even admit that I have them. Part of me wants to tell her she's a lousy friend but I doubt she'll change now.

She is so used to you not emailing every slight twinge or niggle that she doesn't even notice when you do mention something. You could try an hourly update the next time you need a bit of support - but if you are like me you will more likely think, "Oh sod her", and talk to someone else who will be more responsive.

I hope you don't reply to every one of her moans instantly. Let her wait for feedback as she lets you wait.

Thank goodness for friends with attitude - keeps me on my toes.

I have finally given up on a "friend" who, after a day/night out always left me feeliing inadequate, miserable and (worst of all) terribly jealous. Her main topics of conversation were always:

1) How much DH earns.
2) How much their house(s) are worth.
3) How it is fantastic to not have to go to work.
4) How many exotic holidays she has planned (and oh dear how will she fit them all into one year).
5) How very accomplished her children are (compared with mine)

You get the picture. My DH has seen her "for what she is" for many years but for me the penny has only just dropped and I am no longer available to her.

Yeah Freedom [emoticon]

In what way ffinnochio?

My longterm friendships are all with like minded people as myself pretty laidback really and although we do keep in touch mostly on a regular e-mail basis we know that we will be there if there is ever an emergency or one of us needs some TLC or advice.
I do however have one friend who cannot help herself when it comes to telling me she has done all her Christmas shopping and has it wrapped up and bagged by end of August every year,she has spent XX£s on this DGC or DCs or has once again changed her wallpaper in her lounge/bedroom/kitchen with all relivant soft furnishings,she is the same with all her friends so it is not just with me but at least they can walk away and ignore her if they want to I am stuck with her as her DD lives with my eldest son and I feel that I cannot "rock the boat" I now just let it all go over my head and nod when necessary

mollie I consider friends important in my life, and if they weren't, would just be acquaintances. I like being able to have a good conversation that allows for differences of opinion and attitudes - which sometimes makes me re-address my values and attitudes. I like to be sensitively honest and open - and a good friendship will allow that.
There's usually a core point at which we meet and enjoy each others company, but value our differences.

Unless "friends" can give as well as take, they don't strike me as "friends"

Me too but the key word there, ffinnochio, is conversation. Isn't that a two way exchange of views and opinions? Is it wrong to hope for more than just a daily bulletin about her life?

I have a friend, a very good friend, who I'm very fond of. We've been on holiday together with husbands and had a wonderful time. I also have a very kind hearted SiL who I'm also very fond of and they are mutual friends. They both live in the same (posh) neighbourhood. We were invited round for a meal last week and the whole evening was spent with the two of them one upping each other, name dropping, etc. They're not like that apart. We've now been invited to New Years Day Drinkies. I suppose I shall have to wear my frock.

Well then NfkDumpling you will no doubt look very (posh) in your lovely frock enjoy your day.

Can you drop in a gentle laugh and a, "Oh I'm not even going to try to top that one", at a strategic point? Or would you then find that you were no longer a friend of either of them?

Ah yes Mollie. Conversation. I wasn't commenting specifically about your problem with your daily bulletin emailing friend.
I suppose I'd be asking myself a few questions about the friendship you have with her. As Jess says, friendship is certainly a two way street. Doesn't seem to be that much with your friend.
My main question would be - "Does she enhance my life or drain it?"

You say "I doubt she'll change now" ..... but you can change your thinking about the value (or otherwise) you have for your friend. A healthy balance of mutuality and respect is important.

Fair points. I'd be just as curious to know what value I am as a friend - probably the equivalent of the pretty girl's ugly pal! Lol! Just joking...

I have a friend who is lovely, kind caring, helpful in every way. Just one niggle (and I'm sure she has several about me) - she thinks every man she comes into contact with fancies her. She was a real beauty when younger and still looks great now (in her 60s) but the 'so and so tried to kiss me the other day, so and so saw me with my son and asked if he was my husband, I've never had many female friends because women tend to dislike me, my husband would think I looked beautiful if I wore a bin bag' just grates slightly (only slightly honest!).

This will sound cruel to a lot of you, but I have finally got rid of the last 'friend' who wants to take the p#*s out of me. I have 4 very close, long time friends and that does me fine.
If I meet someone new i will be watching for the traits that really got on my nerves but let go on for years. And you know what, I feel a lot better for it.

Surely not katyk I really can't understand why you don't lap it up

Jess