Friends with attitude

It seems many of us have/had friends which fall below expectations.

These foibles couldn't have been evident at the beginning of the friendship as the friendship would never have got off the ground.
So by the time these irritating traits have surfaced we don't like to call time on the friendship. If like me you haven't got masses of friends you have to seriously decide whether you want to lose one.

r

Elegran

No I didn't tell her she was.treating me as second best. However I did send a sharp email explaining I couldn't keep changing dates as I had other things going on in my life. I dropped her after this.

Well obviously not as green as she is cabbage looking !

She know"s which side her bread is buttered.

In the past I had a best friend who was an alcoholic. She was also the sort of person who would drop me because someone more exciting would turn up, but I did feel very protective of her and her young son at the time - we met in the baby clinic. It was ok while I had money, she would turn up at 11am and ask for wine or sherry and finish the bottle, thank god we lived down country lanes as she would then drive home, but she was so funny. I do miss her, but in the end just couldn't cope with her, Ex was also an alcoholic and two of them around me at once was just too hard, and when I saw she had made friends with someone else with larger house and wine cellar I felt it was time for someone else to be her new Mummy.

She has now married a New Zealand vineyard owner...

Not me, I'm a psychopath

I am sure I am

Such is my self esteem that I immediately thought - am I an annoying friend? Probably!

Who else thought that?

Jess

Surely not katyk I really can't understand why you don't lap it up

This will sound cruel to a lot of you, but I have finally got rid of the last 'friend' who wants to take the p#*s out of me. I have 4 very close, long time friends and that does me fine.
If I meet someone new i will be watching for the traits that really got on my nerves but let go on for years. And you know what, I feel a lot better for it.

I have a friend who is lovely, kind caring, helpful in every way. Just one niggle (and I'm sure she has several about me) - she thinks every man she comes into contact with fancies her. She was a real beauty when younger and still looks great now (in her 60s) but the 'so and so tried to kiss me the other day, so and so saw me with my son and asked if he was my husband, I've never had many female friends because women tend to dislike me, my husband would think I looked beautiful if I wore a bin bag' just grates slightly (only slightly honest!).

Fair points. I'd be just as curious to know what value I am as a friend - probably the equivalent of the pretty girl's ugly pal! Lol! Just joking...

Ah yes Mollie. Conversation. I wasn't commenting specifically about your problem with your daily bulletin emailing friend.
I suppose I'd be asking myself a few questions about the friendship you have with her. As Jess says, friendship is certainly a two way street. Doesn't seem to be that much with your friend.
My main question would be - "Does she enhance my life or drain it?"

You say "I doubt she'll change now" ..... but you can change your thinking about the value (or otherwise) you have for your friend. A healthy balance of mutuality and respect is important.

Can you drop in a gentle laugh and a, "Oh I'm not even going to try to top that one", at a strategic point? Or would you then find that you were no longer a friend of either of them?

Well then NfkDumpling you will no doubt look very (posh) in your lovely frock enjoy your day.

I have a friend, a very good friend, who I'm very fond of. We've been on holiday together with husbands and had a wonderful time. I also have a very kind hearted SiL who I'm also very fond of and they are mutual friends. They both live in the same (posh) neighbourhood. We were invited round for a meal last week and the whole evening was spent with the two of them one upping each other, name dropping, etc. They're not like that apart. We've now been invited to New Years Day Drinkies. I suppose I shall have to wear my frock.

Me too but the key word there, ffinnochio, is conversation. Isn't that a two way exchange of views and opinions? Is it wrong to hope for more than just a daily bulletin about her life?

Unless "friends" can give as well as take, they don't strike me as "friends"

mollie I consider friends important in my life, and if they weren't, would just be acquaintances. I like being able to have a good conversation that allows for differences of opinion and attitudes - which sometimes makes me re-address my values and attitudes. I like to be sensitively honest and open - and a good friendship will allow that.
There's usually a core point at which we meet and enjoy each others company, but value our differences.

My longterm friendships are all with like minded people as myself pretty laidback really and although we do keep in touch mostly on a regular e-mail basis we know that we will be there if there is ever an emergency or one of us needs some TLC or advice.
I do however have one friend who cannot help herself when it comes to telling me she has done all her Christmas shopping and has it wrapped up and bagged by end of August every year,she has spent XX£s on this DGC or DCs or has once again changed her wallpaper in her lounge/bedroom/kitchen with all relivant soft furnishings,she is the same with all her friends so it is not just with me but at least they can walk away and ignore her if they want to I am stuck with her as her DD lives with my eldest son and I feel that I cannot "rock the boat" I now just let it all go over my head and nod when necessary

In what way ffinnochio?

I have finally given up on a "friend" who, after a day/night out always left me feeliing inadequate, miserable and (worst of all) terribly jealous. Her main topics of conversation were always:

1) How much DH earns.
2) How much their house(s) are worth.
3) How it is fantastic to not have to go to work.
4) How many exotic holidays she has planned (and oh dear how will she fit them all into one year).
5) How very accomplished her children are (compared with mine)

You get the picture. My DH has seen her "for what she is" for many years but for me the penny has only just dropped and I am no longer available to her.

Yeah Freedom [emoticon]

Thank goodness for friends with attitude - keeps me on my toes.

She is so used to you not emailing every slight twinge or niggle that she doesn't even notice when you do mention something. You could try an hourly update the next time you need a bit of support - but if you are like me you will more likely think, "Oh sod her", and talk to someone else who will be more responsive.

I hope you don't reply to every one of her moans instantly. Let her wait for feedback as she lets you wait.

I'm feeling a bit let down right now by a long-standing friend of nearly thirty years who thinks that conversational emails are the new daily bulletin! it was bad enough when we just had the occasional phone call that I found a bit one-sided but now I can get several emails daily if she's in the middle of a crisis or one of her favourite house renovations. Detailed messages about her mother's bowel movements and rants about how long the old lady had overstayed her welcome on this earth and how she ought to do the decent thing were common place until recently. But after all this time I guess we're all allowed to vent and offload to friends although I didn't always like what she wrote.

Last week I needed a friendly ear about something worrying so emailed her. I got a reply this morning, six days later, and half way down her usual bulletin about her family and their weekend away and the grandchildren and what is still to do for Christmas she asked if I was feeling better now? That was it! She totally overlooked my fears and worries nor seems to have noticed that its so unlike me to even admit that I have them. Part of me wants to tell her she's a lousy friend but I doubt she'll change now.