Regretting Reconciliation

Hello Beescrete, I'm so sorry that you are regretting your decision to reconcile with your mum. It does look as if her behaviour that led to the estrangement in the first place hasn't changed which I think, shows how important it is to have an honest conversation to see if reconciliation is a viable option.

Leaving the room when she starts on you is the correct approach. I'm assuming that you don't live with her so ending telephone conversations is another useful tool as is refusing to respond to any unpleasant text messages and/or emails. If she asks why you've ignored them, you can tell her you wont be drawn into conversations of that nature.

Cancelling visits and/or cutting them short is another useful tool as is 'grey rocking' which entails keeping your responses neutral and bland; giving very little if any personal information as possible and not showing any emotions.

You've done what you believed to be the right thing by reconciling due to your mum's health but now may be the time to re think this decision.

You can of course never know how you'll feel when she's no longer here, but having tried to reconcile you may no longer worry about feeling guilty if the reconciliation fails and you estrange again.

I write this not as someone whose had a similar experience but as an EP whose been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for almost 14 years. A healthy relationship cannot have guilt as its only foundation and your relationship with your mum needs to be as 'good' for you, as it is for her.

I wish you well with whatever decision you may make .

Beescrete, you reconciled because you sound such a kind person. You should not have to tolerate constant ridicule, belittling and criticism however, sit down with your mother and tell her all your concerns, ask why she treats you as she does, tell her that if it happens again, you will cut the visit short. Then do it, no need to be confrontational.. Limit visits if the behaviour continues, its really up to her to change her ways and not cause you hurt. Like Smileless I have been estranged many years, not a day goes past without me thinking of her. I think I always will and wish she had cared for me as I did her. It has to be both ways though. You have done your best and you have the right to be happy.

I regretted being forced to reconcile with my mother due to family health issues as she never changed as a person, but I do not regret that I was there when she died. I wasn't going to let her die alone, that's for sure.

It was the feeling of final closure at her death that led me to be able to finally heal from her. It has also given me the freedom of being able to re determine who I am as a person without her influence. I know that may not make sense to most people, but I think you understand me as an EAC that even as adults, having a parent like this effects who we are and who we ultimately end up being well into our adult years as well.

Unfortunately, my healing led me down the path of estrangement from my sister and well because I realized when my mom died the only thing we had in common was a common "enemy" in our mother.

Not sure if this helped or not. It sounds as though you are doing well holding boundaries. That is all you can do from your side.

I will say that even before my mother died, when I was forced to estrange her to protect my children, I set about trying to understand why she was the way she was. There were reasons, but she refused to heal from her reasons. This practice helped me look at her with some empathy at the end, despite the fact that she deserved none. I did it for my peace, not hers.

Smileless2012

Hello Beescrete, I'm so sorry that you are regretting your decision to reconcile with your mum. It does look as if her behaviour that led to the estrangement in the first place hasn't changed which I think, shows how important it is to have an honest conversation to see if reconciliation is a viable option.

Leaving the room when she starts on you is the correct approach. I'm assuming that you don't live with her so ending telephone conversations is another useful tool as is refusing to respond to any unpleasant text messages and/or emails. If she asks why you've ignored them, you can tell her you wont be drawn into conversations of that nature.

Cancelling visits and/or cutting them short is another useful tool as is 'grey rocking' which entails keeping your responses neutral and bland; giving very little if any personal information as possible and not showing any emotions.

You've done what you believed to be the right thing by reconciling due to your mum's health but now may be the time to re think this decision.

You can of course never know how you'll feel when she's no longer here, but having tried to reconcile you may no longer worry about feeling guilty if the reconciliation fails and you estrange again.

I write this not as someone whose had a similar experience but as an EP whose been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for almost 14 years. A healthy relationship cannot have guilt as its only foundation and your relationship with your mum needs to be as 'good' for you, as it is for her.

I wish you well with whatever decision you may make .

Smileless, I'm glad you replied because in trying to understand the other side of this situation I have found your posts very thoughtful. We do not live together however, it is of course, complicated. During our estrangement I left the USA and moved to Greece. When we reconnected she wanted me to move back to USA which I refused. I arranged for her to visit me with disability service at the airport and she enjoyed it so much she asked to live with me. I told her no because we fight too much and she asked about getting a flat in the same building as me in Greece. I agreed to this because it would make it easy for me to help her get groceries from the market or with more serious things like a fall. I did try many times to talk to her about my complaints before the estrangement but it was like hitting my head on a wall. When I reconciled I tried my best to accept that she is not capable of change and is therefore doing her best. I definitely need to do more grey rocking. I catch myself engaging in the negative behaviour too. We never had any resolution or acknowledgment of our problems and I'm certain I sometimes have a hair trigger because of past pain that is unresolved.

Allsorts

Beescrete, you reconciled because you sound such a kind person. You should not have to tolerate constant ridicule, belittling and criticism however, sit down with your mother and tell her all your concerns, ask why she treats you as she does, tell her that if it happens again, you will cut the visit short. Then do it, no need to be confrontational.. Limit visits if the behaviour continues, its really up to her to change her ways and not cause you hurt. Like Smileless I have been estranged many years, not a day goes past without me thinking of her. I think I always will and wish she had cared for me as I did her. It has to be both ways though. You have done your best and you have the right to be happy.

Thank you Allsorts I have also found comfort in reading your posts and comments. At this point I think going NC might hurt me more than it helps. I have tried my whole life to get my mom to understand she hurts me. When I was young I thought she must not understand, if I can just find the right words to explain, she would stop because she's my mom and of course she doesn't want to hurt me.
I have accepted that she will never change and that when she hears she is hurting me she just shuts down and blanks it out.

imaround

I regretted being forced to reconcile with my mother due to family health issues as she never changed as a person, but I do not regret that I was there when she died. I wasn't going to let her die alone, that's for sure.

It was the feeling of final closure at her death that led me to be able to finally heal from her. It has also given me the freedom of being able to re determine who I am as a person without her influence. I know that may not make sense to most people, but I think you understand me as an EAC that even as adults, having a parent like this effects who we are and who we ultimately end up being well into our adult years as well.

Unfortunately, my healing led me down the path of estrangement from my sister and well because I realized when my mom died the only thing we had in common was a common "enemy" in our mother.

Not sure if this helped or not. It sounds as though you are doing well holding boundaries. That is all you can do from your side.

I will say that even before my mother died, when I was forced to estrange her to protect my children, I set about trying to understand why she was the way she was. There were reasons, but she refused to heal from her reasons. This practice helped me look at her with some empathy at the end, despite the fact that she deserved none. I did it for my peace, not hers.

imaround, this post resonates with me. I have spent so much time and energy trying to understand her. I believe hidden under a fortress of defense mechanisms is a woman who loves me and has no idea what healthy love looks like. Almost daily I think why have I subjected myself to this constant drama again but I love my mom and I know that inspite of her behavior she is loving me the only way she knows how.

Very wise and gracious posts from Smileless2012 and Allsorts I think

I'm starting to get more clarity about what I need. I want to help my mom in her old age while also taking care of myself. The normal answer to this is talk about it but I have tried to talk to my mom more times than I count. I want to help her in old age even if she acts poorly towards me. I need to have strategies to avoid, change the subject, politely ignore. It's not worth arguing because she won't change. There's another aspect to our story. My mom is by blood my aunt. My bio mom had drug problems and child protective services removed me and my siblings from her. My aunt(bio mom's sister) took me in at 3. She raised me and she has always been my mom.

Oh Beescrete I really feel for you.
You have done way more for your mum than many, many others.

I know you will have tried this but I hope you are able to say to her how unhappy her negative comments make you feel and it is for that reason that you are going home/ putting the phone down or whatever.

If you say this kind of thing all the time maybe eventually she will see that this really is why.

Is she religious at all?
Is thete someone from outside the two of you that would speak to her ? I'm assuming she would have been to counselling before now if she was going to.
She can't want things to stay like this... but does she actually want to change?

NotSpaghetti
When the conflict starts I say something like " if you keep talking about me like that I am leaving" and if I say it, I do follow through and leave to my flat. When I do that, she starts crying in a very intense way. It's not normal adult tears she literally screams and cries in a way where I'm afraid the neighbors will call the police.

NotSpaghetti

Oh Beescrete I really feel for you.
You have done way more for your mum than many, many others.

I know you will have tried this but I hope you are able to say to her how unhappy her negative comments make you feel and it is for that reason that you are going home/ putting the phone down or whatever.

If you say this kind of thing all the time maybe eventually she will see that this really is why.

Is she religious at all?
Is thete someone from outside the two of you that would speak to her ? I'm assuming she would have been to counselling before now if she was going to.
She can't want things to stay like this... but does she actually want to change?

I don't think she wants things to be like this. I think she doesn't know any better. Her family was very poor with 6 kids, an alcoholic father, no indoor plumbing all because they were rural poor. My mom(adoptive aunt) is the only child from that cohort of kids who never went to jail or became addicted to drugs. In a highly dysfunctional family, she was the only one who refused to get caught up in the mess. I think this contributes to who she is now.

So let the neighbours call the police.

Meaning, you are doing nothing wrong.

What is she going to tell the police why she is behaving so irrationally?

This is good advice. When I walk out I don't say much. Maybe if I make it clear each time eventually she will understand. She definitely doesn't want me to leave and when it happens and sometimes my leaving escalates her behavior into screaming.

Hit send too early but the typos don't distract from the message

Hithere

Meaning, you are doing nothing wrong.

What is she going to tell the police why she is behaving so irrationally?

I'm a foreigner living in Greece so I don't want to get the police called on me.

NotSpaghetti People like this do not hear what is being said and never will. They have so many psychological filters between their ears and their brain and everything said to them even, in a counselling situation will get ignored or so twisted in its journey from ear to brain so that the message is completely distorted.

While I am fortunate to have no experience of estrangement. I have twice had to cope with family members, who seem to have a bottomless chasm with me on some topic.

I had a clever and loving mother and she was keen for her daughters to get a good education. We all went to university, but her blank was that the only purpose of education she understood was the extent it which it would improve our job prospects. Any other reason for study passed her comprehansion.

Unfortunately, I am an inveterate student. I was always doing short courses and writing essays etc during the course just because I enjoy it. My mother could never comprehend me doing a course and doing all the course work just because I enjoyed it so much. The final straw came when I invested some of my redundancy into retirement money, which included a retraining grant, in going back to university to do an MA in the subject that I was fascinated by. It led to endless discussions about what was the point of it, how could it help me get a better job now I was retired etc.

Then I had the light bulb moment. I realised that if I spent 100 years explaining why I studied for the pleasure of it, she would still not understand. Her filters were immoveable so the best thing to do was stop trying and accept that she had this blank spot and just evade the issue when it arose.

This is where the OP is. Nothing she does or says will change her mother. Counselling and mediated conversations will not get her mother to change her attitudes because she sees no problem with them and she does not see what people are so bothered about.

Beecrete is quite remarkable. She has done all the right things and persevered. What she has to do now is accept that her mother will never change. All change must rest with her. and she must work out what relationship works for her, what the balance is between spending time with her mother and following her own life in her own way ignoring what her mother says on the subject. - and find a way to find tranquillity with the situation. Meditation might help, or going for walks in woodland or whatever helps her detach herself from her mother while still caring for her.

And your mother may be using it against you

It is up to you how much you want to play her games and manipulations

Sometimes, no matter how much you explain something, they may never understand

I have been in the exact same position as you. Estranged from my extremely narcissistic mother until she became seriously ill.

She quickly made me regret my decision to reconcile, but pressure from fanily and a sense of obligation made me care for her until the end. I wish I could go back in time and not let anyone pressure me into sacrificing my life for her. She wasted so many of my days, and not just the time I spent taking care of her, but the added uneccessary stress has no doubt shaved a few years off my own life.

It took a whole 12 years for her to finally succumb to her illness and for me to finally find peace. Heres hoping yours doesn't last as long!