How to start the difficult conversation?

If there is no will you are intestate this means that half the estate goes to the children - you may have to sell the house.

Making a mutual will is easy, then the surviving partner can have control and arrange affairs according to needs

Not having control of bank accounts may mean you cannot buy food or pay the rent, we all need to understand the risk.

I think I’d arrange a home visit by a solicitor, and tell him gently that this is going to happen, your are going to update yours too, so he can have a think in advance. It will be more expensive but I’d have thought it’d be worth it.

Katie59, there is a will. Our finances will be fine. Other beneficiaries need sorting.

This morning a routine follow-up phone call from the hospital gave me the opening I needed to list three appointments DH needs to make, but I have got my head bitten off, been told he isn’t ready, doesn’t want me nagging, it makes him feel worse.

It sounds like he is scared of his future, maybe just stand back and be empathetic and extra loving..

This morning a routine follow-up phone call from the hospital gave me the opening I needed to list three appointments DH needs to make, but I have got my head bitten off, been told he isn’t ready, doesn’t want me nagging, it makes him feel worse.

You've done your best.

Ignoring what he knows he needs to do won't make it go away and must be adding extra stress to his situation.
But then you know that... 😕

I'd say all you can do now is leave him with his list and say you're not going to mention it again, it's entirely up to him if he deals with it or not.

Could you phone your solicitor and explain the situation, when my mother was like this ours visited her in hospital He knew where it needed changing I had told him and he just read through the list in a kind positive way she nodded and signed.
She actually recovered and he did suggest some things she hadn't thought about and she was grateful.

I have now had an apology, and two items have been ticked off the list, not the solicitor though.

Does he understand the effect of beneficiaries having pre deceased him? Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe an explanation is needed. He might think their legacies will automatically go to their next of kin. They won’t.

Sorry if this sounds totally unfeeling but having been through the total nightmare twice, not to say cost, when someone dies intestate, I would simply book an appointment and frog march him if need be !!
My OH is exactly the same, I do truly undestand believe me, he just does the ostrich and says "You sort it out ". My will is updated yearly but he still will not confront the fact some day he will actually die ! Needless to say booked in next week , will tell him on the day !!

DH has now said he needs to do some thinking and make some decisions first, but I think a solicitor would guide him through the pros and cons and he doesn’t need to make all the decisions before he sees them.
He has always hated the idea of preparing for his demise, but now that it could be more imminent, he feels even worse about it. It is messing with his head.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time.

As I recall, making our wills was a very difficult and expensive process. I hate waste, perhaps it niggles him to waste the money?

Our Wills needed updated. I made an appointment with the solicitor.
I then got out the old ones and said let's do this. We sat down and with a pencil made the amendments on photocopies to give the solicitor to draw up properly.
He'd never have got round to it himself.
Just waiting on a call from the solicitor to finalise and to sign POAs.
DH perfectly happy to have been taken in hand.

That sounds like a good method, Coolgran65. DH is not having a good day today, but I will bear it in mind, thank you.

Cabbie, have you actually presented your very reasonable case to him by showing you are emotionally upset? I suggest you present yourself as afraid and weepy about of not having a roof over your head or enough to eat, unless he makes a will that leaves you solvent. He needs your personal feelings and needs to motivate him.

Cabbie21

I do agree. DH is not refusing, but this is a hurdle he can't quite overcome yet. Maybe I do need to make the appointment.

Have you asked him if he would like you to make the appointment?

This is what I do with sensitive issues, and DH always breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Yes, please!"

It might work for you too.

If you know it won't do as already advised and just make and appointment for you both to revise your wills (whether yours needs it or not!)

I was so grateful that our will was done (and medical POA) before my husband died and have updated my will and done a financial POA too. I don’t want my children to find a tough job even tougher. It took me two years to do the update and found doing the process unbearable. I do not know why that was. It’s done now and such a relief.

" If it would be difficult for him to visit a solicitor most are happy to make a home visit for a small extra fee. Good luck!"

Solicitors don't have any concept of a 'small' fee, extra or otherwise.

You don't need a solicitor for a straightforward will or a Power of Attorney. Much cheaper advice is available, if you need it.

I think, M0nica if you have been regularly revising a will since you were young it isn’t a big thing.

If, on the other hand you have done it once and now are ill and need to do it again it is yet another unpleasant task.

I'd book an appointment for us both to do it.

My late DH did not want to discuss such matters but we did have a very old will in place and as it was so simple it wasn't a problem. It was only after he passed away that I realised he had done several other things that have made life much easier for me.

Thanks for your post,our last wills were made a few years ago & we feel we should review them as we now have more grandchildren,but haven’t done it yet,you have given me a push.Lots of good advice here,good luck.

We have just made new Wills and done POA at the same time. Our original Wills were just simple Wills that left everything to each other and trust that the surviving person did the right thing by the children. This seemed fine at the time they were made but years down the line I became very nervous that, as the children are mine, my husband might change his mind and they could end up with nothing. It was difficult to start the conversation and it was inevitable that he would be hurt that I doubted him but I was determined I was changing my Will whether he agreed or not. The outcome was that I changed it so that in the event of my death, my half share of our house would transfer to my son and daughter. My husband accepted this and even changed his Will to do the same. We did this in January this year and I have felt far happier knowing that everything is sorted out now.

We are okay with our wills but we failed to get our POA completed.
I hadn't realised how important they were until now. My DH has been seriously ill since January after two strokes. It is now too late to get a POA for him as he doesn't have capacity.

You always think you will have plenty of time or it will never happen.

I’m so sorry Mayal, as I suffer very badly from Migraine with aura, which can be associated with stroke apparently I made sure I had done this too. I discovered that my private pension could be used by my children to support me in the event I lose capacity. Without the POA that would be difficult or impossible. It’s a relief to get these things done and dusted. I have been very unwell with pneumonia and it brought it all into stark relief. I’ll be ok this time but who know next time.

Get him to make notes of what he would like. The last thing you need is him trying to decided whilst sat in the solicitors office.
It might be a good idea at the same time to consider organizing LPA's for the both of you too.