Asking prospective FILs permission

It's probably just a quaint old British custom Starlady

No father is going to say, 'no, I want to keep her at home and support her for the rest of her life' are they?
Added to which, she has probably left home years ago!

The thing is, it is not permission the prospective SIL is seeking - it's a custom to chat to future FIL in advance. Even in this day and age where couples often pay for their own weddings, parents are often expected to pay for a substantial amount and it's only polite.

Good for future relationships.

My SIL took me out for dinner to ask for DDs hand. I was delighted, but the first thought which popped into my mind was 'does he want paid !!!!!'¨

I am with Monica. Hard to believe the sentiments expressed by those who see nothing wrong with the practice given that many should remember the time before legislation re: discrimination and equal pay introduced in the 1970s. Women were second class citizens for a long time after they ceased to be legally the property of men.

Quercus, it is so nice to know that I have company in the wilderness!!

Possibly one of the reasons DH and I are heading for our Golden Wedding anniversary are that, back in 1967, it didn't occur to either of us that DH should ask for my DF's consent/approval/whatever for our marriage.

I have to say that that is patent nonsense, MOnica. I don't see how you can equate having a long and happy marriage with not asking for permission to marry in the first place. My sister and BiL did not ask my father's permission and wouldn't have got it if they had - he didn't like my BiL - but they had a very long and happy marriage. We have also been happily married for fifty years but it has absolutely nothing to do with the courtesy of asking my father if he was happy with the match. It was just that, a courtesy. No one ever had any doubt that I was, and still am, my own woman.

DH and DF had a chat over a pint as far as I am aware, I don't know if DH asked permission as such, but was certainly courteous enough to mention it.
I wasn't present and, anyway, my memory is somewhat hazy after almost 50 years.

DH and DF always had an excellent relationship btw.

I said what I said Greyduster because, as I said in a previous post, a decision to marry should be a decision reached by two people on an equal basis between them. Once one of those partners sees a need to discuss this marriage with one of the parents of the other, especially ahead of a mutual decision to get married, the non-asking partner is infantilised.

The fact that it never occurred to neither DH nor I to do was a clear expression of our shared attitudes and values and the fact that we have these values in common has contributed to making our marriage strong and durable.

WE got engaged in 1967 when attitudes like ours were much less common.

I dislike the revival of this tradition as it insults women by the underlying assumption that they are subordinate and that marriage is decided by the "menfolk". But I understand that it has been revived due to the influence of American films and TV shows.

I feel that talking to the parents about an engagement should be done as a couple as a shared responsibility and not a a secret deal among the men. I don't find it charming at all - but then again I have known instances where the prospective sil has received "permission" even though the prospective bride has no idea that a proposal was coming.

Has anyone answered my question about whether they would feel the same about it if it was the woman asking her prospective mother's permission?

It seems to me that those of us who think the practice anachronistic are the only ones looking at it from the perspective of equality between people who want to marry each other.

prospective mother-in-law's...

Mothers in Law

the permssion of her mother-in-law >>> her prospective mother-in-law's permission

Has you are right 'Thatbags Sorry

No prob . I always have to double check anyway!