Asking prospective FILs permission

Haven't read the whole thread so not sure what the consensus is but both our SiL asked for our daughters hands in marriage.

It was charming , old fashioned and made us feel like part of a wonderful occasion.

We didn't for one moment think our daughters were our possession , but they were our responsibility and these 2 nice men wanted us to know they loved, respected and wanted that responsibility. .

Call it sentimental if you like but I thought it lovely .

A bit quaint and outdated I would say. One son did 12 years ago but the other didn't ask. Some people might say that it was just good manners and of course some people still believe in tradition. If ds has a good relationship with future fil then it shouldn't be a problem.

Our daughter was married last month and it was the most beautiful moment to see my husband walk her down the aisle and shake the grooms hand, give daughter a hug and step back to sit next to me. It wasn't 'giving her away' just a light hearted nod to tradition and gave the ceremony structure and a lovely sense of love and family and some beautiful pictures I will treasure forever, better than a crowd scene where the parents get lost in the mix.
Groom told my husband by text he was going to ask daughter and that he hoped he had our blessing, so again a modern twist on tradition as of course he did but a nice touch all the same

mcem why thank you only to their father, what about their mother? Surely they should have walked down the aisle with a parent each side.

I went to a wedding once where, because the brides mother objected to the groom and she wouldn't let the father give his daughter away, the bride and groom walked up the aisle together, hand in hand. I rather liked it.

The objection? The groom was English and the bride came from a small village deep in rural France and her mother would probably have objected if she had wanted to marry someone from the next village

At my DD1s wedding (humanist) I walked into the ceremony with my SiL, DD with her dad and we(parents) then gave their hands to each other. SiLs parents (divorced) both did readings, as did DD2. SiLs sis & bro were witnesses to the signing. All actively involved!

Sounds perfect pen and illustrates that families can choose how the ceremony goes.
Nit-picking monica ? Chacun à son goût?

not as far as I am concerned.

Does that mean you'd prefer families not to choose how they organise their wedding?

Why ever not?

Marry how you like, but I am entirely free to have my own opinions and express them.

I can express even more radical ones. I am all in favour of marriage but would like to see the end of weddings, or rather delay the celebrations until the couple have been married for 5 years, then have the big celebration.

This would enable the couple to concentrate on the commitment they are making and make it much easier for them to cancel the whole thing, right up to the moment of commitment. I know or have heard of so many couples who went ahead with weddings where they knew the marriage would fail because once the wedding juggernaut had started to run, it became unstoppable the nearer it got to the event. Feelings of shame, disappointment for families, expectation, expense, everything.

Whatever!!

Anecdotal "evidence" starting with "I went to a wedding once..." or "I know or have heard of so many couples ..." etc is opinion or hearsay and we are all entitled to our opinions.
It may not be sufficient evidence to justify a blanket ban on weddings or a statutory waiting period of five years however.

I appreciate all the honest answers and opinions. It seems it depends to a large degree on the families involved and their different takes on tradition. Definitely food for for thought.
Thanks everyone.

Dare I admit that I felt some resentment at watching my husband walk my daughter down the aisle and 'give her away' to her husband to be

I don't think either of us had a right to 'give her away' but I would have liked to feel part of the symbolism of joining families. I like your idea Penstemmon.

I feel as if I've moved to a parallel universe.

I did't mention any ban, just I would like to see marriages being quiet and their endurance celebrated. Think how much debt and misery would be saved for those who satge large weddings in (relative) haste and repent at leisure.

I am entirely free to have my own opinions and expresI can express even more radical ones. I am all in favour of marriage but would like to see the end of weddings, or rather delay the celebrations until the couple have been married for 5 years, then have the big celebration

Whatever .

well, I could have changed my mind by then (several times )

Permission, definitely no! Blessing yes! (and it should be both parents who are asked.)
I'm slightly shocked at the amount of brides who are still "given away" at their weddings.Seems especially silly when most couples have been living together for some time and often have their own children(I'm a bellringer so see a lot of weddings) Women aren't anybody's property! When I expressed this feeling to our vicar, she said that a bride does not have to be "given away" if she doesn't want to be. She can still walk down the aisle on the arm of the person of her choosing, it can be her Mum, sister, Dad, friend or anyone she wants.

My fiance didn't speak to my father when asking for permission to marry me, but he did ask my DD and DS... Which I thought was quite wonderful. My future SIL asked my permission to propose to my DD.

I am astounded that anyone finds this acceptable. If my DH had thought it appropriate to ask my father's permission he would probably not be my DH!

All 3 SiLs spoke to my DH about their plans. They didn't ask, but it was a lovely act on their part. So what's wrong with old fashioned values? We were 'in' on the plans of our youngest daughter's intended. He planned to ask the question while on a beach in Fiji. We were meeting them after the event in Sydney and carried the precious ring (my late MiLs) for him to present on arrival feeling it wasn't a good idea to cart it in a rucksack through India and all places east. We had a amazing family reunion and celebration with all 3 daughters. To see their Dad, now no longer here, walking his beloved girls down the aisle was amazing and the 3 happiest of days. It certainly wasn't a case of 'giving' them away.
Be astounded as you like Quercus. Each to his own.

I'm with you Quercus
And there are often a lot of things wrong with old fashioned values.

Quercus, I expressed just those sentiments pages back on this thread - and was howled down. Be prepared.

However much my parents may have been delighted to have been in on the secret of the proposal I was to receive, once I knew that had happened, I would have felt humiliated and probably broken the engagement off.

Marriage is the coming together of two independent people who mutually make an agreement to make their relationship official and, hopefully, lifelong.

What hope is there if it starts with one of the potential partners treating the other like a child.

Sorry but I would have been furious is dh asked my father's permission to marry me! Don't see it as "polite" at all but as an insult to the woman - a throwback to the days when women were seen as "property" and not full adults at any age! Then again, I didn't have my dad "give me away" either at my wedding though he did walk me down the aisle.

Sil didn't ask permission of either dd's dad or me. But if he had asked me, I would have said, "I'd love to have you marry her, but permission is not mine to give - it's hers." Maybe I would add with a smile, "You'll get your answer when you propose."

Asking for the parents' blessing is a nice idea though, imo - and yes, I agree, it should be both parents - quaint but charming. Not necessary but nice.

But gf might like the permission idea. Some women still do, as evidenced by this thread. Also, she knows her father better than you do. Imo, ds should ask her if she thinks this is a good idea or not.