Feel I am being used.

The background to nanafish’s relationship is really not relevant to her present request for advice. Now, in the present, she feels used, and she explains why.

I think she needs to be open with her partner about her feelings, her issues regarding his relationship with his mother, and her misgivings about their financial arrangements, to try to renegotiate between them a better way of staying together, if possible.

If these issues are ignored things between them may well deteriorate to a point of no return.

Nanafish, you’ve said you love company and don’t want to be alone, so it’s worth finding the courage to speak openly to your partner rather than continue as you are, harbouring resentment which may eventually destroy your relationship.

Delila

The background to nanafish’s relationship is really not relevant to her present request for advice. Now, in the present, she feels used, and she explains why.

I think she needs to be open with her partner about her feelings, her issues regarding his relationship with his mother, and her misgivings about their financial arrangements, to try to renegotiate between them a better way of staying together, if possible.

If these issues are ignored things between them may well deteriorate to a point of no return.

Nanafish, you’ve said you love company and don’t want to be alone, so it’s worth finding the courage to speak openly to your partner rather than continue as you are, harbouring resentment which may eventually destroy your relationship.

I’m no sure why you think how and when her relationship started has no bearing on her current situation?

Of course it does. Everything in the past has a bearing and an effect on where we find ourselves now.

I'm not so sure, Cossy. People have a habit of wanting to see those they think have behaved badly get paid back in some way, but as I said upthread, we can't possibly know what others' full circumstances are, particularly when we are talking about the past. It's too easy to sit in judgement from behind a keyboard.

The OP asked us for advice about the fact that she feels she is being used by her partner, not opinions on whether she 'deserves' to feel bad for things she did in the past. What would the difference be if she had met this man after her husband had died? Her question would be the same, regardless of how and when they met.

Smileless2012

No wonder there are fewer private landlords now Lathyrus.

Im one of them Smileless.

When I saw the hoops my children would have to go through after I died to get possession of the house I used to let, I decided it was better to leave it empty.

If I could have gone on letting it on a fixed term contract I would have done, knowing they could get possession for probate when the contract ended.

But off the topic of the OPs problem really. Just a hurdle to be faced if she does want him to move out because he’ll be homeless.

Things change over time, and there may be all sorts of reasons why they happened as they did in the past, which bear no relevance to our present.

Nanafish asks if she is unreasonable to feel as she does now, and I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to feel as she does in the circumstances she describes now. I think any reasonable person, no matter the origin of their relationship, would share her feelings given the same situation.

I do think the three and half decade longevity of the relationship is relevant especially in the context of the further information OP gave at 13:26 today.

Living under the same roof simply isn’t the idyllic, romantic dream they once had when they were younger. Other people always got in the way one way or another, her children, her husband’s poor health, now his poor health and now his ageing mother.

Actually, I think it might be difficult for him to be sharing a home that OP shared with her late husband and children for over 30 years while prioritising them. He maybe does feel like a lodger rather than a 50:50 relationship.

Perhaps if he does inherit some money, they can start afresh by buying a new place. Or why not do it now subject to adhering to his tenants' rights.

Fair enough, Delila & Doodlebug

I consider myself chastised and I hope the OP manages to resolves her problem.

I wasn't chastising, just disagreeing, as you did with me. That's ok, isn't it?

Doodledog

I wasn't chastising, just disagreeing, as you did with me. That's ok, isn't it?

Of course, it just felt a bit like a telling off

I wasn’t sitting in judgement either

Cossy

Doodledog

I wasn't chastising, just disagreeing, as you did with me. That's ok, isn't it?

Of course, it just felt a bit like a telling off

It wasn't meant to be a telling off.

The judgement comment wasn't aimed at you in particular, although I can see how it might have looked that way - I meant that people (generic) do tend to assume that they would never do things that in particular circumstances they might, particularly when it comes to personal relationships, which can be complicated. I also think that if someone has caused hurt (and we don't know that this was the case) it doesn't mean that they have no right to feel hurt by others for the rest of their life.

Anyway, we disagree, but that's what happens in discussions.

Doodledog it’s all good

In my experience, when I feel used, it's because there's some sort of imbalance in the relationship. Is he contributing fairly to the home and finances? Supporting you as you support him?

Also, since it started with an affair, the thing about affairs is that they are a bit sparkly because they don't involve the day to day boring stuff like paying bills, housework, caring for elderly parents, etc. You now have all those normal every day things, so maybe the shine has come off a bit?

He's got things arranged nicely - wholely to his benefit.

Yes, you are being comprehensively used. Everyone around you appears to be getting what they want. And you?

You'll run yourself into the ground at this rate.........