Feel I am being used.

Perhaps you would feel less used if you also benefitted from his financial gains.

You should receive at least half that he receives in rent and any costs to running your home should be split.

This would then be a fairer distribution.

Personally, I think, if he’s living in your home he should be paying 50% of everything……….water, gas, electricity, broadband, rent, food, replacing appliances etc.
Also, if he has a driving licence the address registered with the DVLA must be the address that he resides at.

I don’t think you are happy with the situation as it stands and so you need to speak up or else you will become more resentful as time goes on.

Fairislecable

Perhaps you would feel less used if you also benefitted from his financial gains.

You should receive at least half that he receives in rent and any costs to running your home should be split.

This would then be a fairer distribution.

Congratulations, you've turned into his unpaid housekeeper / skivvy /provider.

Its time to tell him living together is not working for you, and he needs to go back to his own place.

When he argues to stay, just keep repeating " It's not working for me I want to live on my own ."

If he feels lonely he could always go and live with his Mother. He's probably sponging off her too.

It does seem that for most of 35 years he has lived on his own and only moved in with you when he had a heart attack.
This is him looking after himself now he feels more vulnerable. If you feel used now it will become worse as time goes on.
Having his mother so much involved in his life will rankle with you too.
Is this situation really working for you.? Put your own needs first. This man is definitely looking after himself.

Living with some always work. I know. I’ve tried it.

He probably wont be able to get possession of his home niw, with the new legislation otherwise Id say go back to what did work before.

So if he us staying you must negotiate a much more equitable arrangement, financially and workload.

His mum? You might have to look on that as the hobby that mist men seem to need ti occupy themselves!

Maybe some of you missed the “I guess it was an affair” comment.

So whilst still married you carried on with someone else til your husband died? Now you feel you’re being used?

Don’t like your situation, change I and ask him to leave.

I’m being very harsh, but frankly I don’t have much sympathy for either of you.

Living with someone doesn’t always work.

Typo

I agree with Cossy. You cheated on your partners.
He’s on a good screw! Pays little rent, no bills, you dancing at his backside looking after him!
He probably has a very healthy bank book thanks to you not putting your foot down.
In my view you reap what you sow.

You "guess it was an affair".
Is that the same as being "a bit pregnant"?

Lathyrus I believe he can give his tenant(s) 2 months notice if he wishes to move back to his main residence.

The bit about the affair and a subsequent relationship for 35 years, presumably most of it whilst still married, does make me less sympathetic here.
The fact the man has turned out to be less than satisfactory now living with you is perhaps karma. Would tell him to shoulder his share or forget it.

I read this very differently to other people

The fact that he still uses the flat he owns for all the formal things in life suggests to me that he still sees it as 'home' and would rather be living there than with you. Was it his idea or yours that he move in with you after his heart attack?

With his mother constantly making him do everything she wants at any time she wants it, suggests to me, not a man sponging off you, but more a doormat man who does whatever the women in his life tell him to do rather than stand up to them and express his opinion.

I suspect that far from living off you he would be really relieved if you said that it was time he moved back to his own home. If he cannot find a job he will be entitled to benefits of some kind and, you do not say, but he may be drawing a state pension.

He is making it abundantly clear that he wants to return to 'as was'. Him in his flat and you in your house, but being the doormat, anything for a quiet life, man he will never tell you that. He is waiting for you to tell him to go.

Why not just do it and then both of you can go back to where you were before his heart attack,

Key Changes to Notice RulesNo Section 21: You cannot issue a standard two-month no-fault notice anymore. All tenancies are now periodic (rolling).Valid Grounds Required: You must state a legally recognized reason under Section 8, such as rent arrears or property sale.Selling or Moving In: If you plan to sell the property or move back in yourself, you must give at least 4 months' notice, and the tenant must have lived there for at least one year.Rent Arrears: You can seek possession if the tenant falls at least three months behind on rent.You can read official guidance on ending a tenancy through the GOV.UK Landlord Guide.

If you don’t mind me asking, and you do not need to answer, he didn’t move in until two years after your husband died, and he’s lived with you for four years?

So, if I’ve read and understood this correctly, you’ve been having a relationship for 35 years, 29 of which you were still married and still living with your husband?

Did he (husband) know about this?
Did this “lover” have a partner during this 29 years?
Do either of you have children?

I’m not judging, I’m curious?

For me, “cheating” on my marriage for 29 years then moving my “lover” into my marital home wouldn’t work for me. I’d have sought a divorce many many years ago.

Did you not wish to do this or did you not wish to split everything 50/50 and waiting til he died gave you the lot?

Or am I totally misunderstanding your situation?

From the little you’ve chosen to share, it strikes me that it is your late husband being used, not yourself?

As I said, I could be completely misreading what actually happened.

Cossy

Maybe some of you missed the “I guess it was an affair” comment.

So whilst still married you carried on with someone else til your husband died? Now you feel you’re being used?

Don’t like your situation, change I and ask him to leave.

I’m being very harsh, but frankly I don’t have much sympathy for either of you.

He's been using her for 35 years.

Somehow she didn't notice until he promoted himself to live-in cock-lodger.

nanafish will have had her reasons for whatever happened. The phrase 'I guess it was an affair' suggests that it wasn't a clear-cut 'cheating' arrangement, but even they sometimes happen for a reason, and those on the outside can't know what they would do in the circumstances unless they have lived them.

As for the predicament the OP is asking about, I would be unhappy with him living with me and keeping the rent that allows him to 'earn' to himself. It is the living arrangement that allows him to rent out his place, so IMO you should get a share of the rent.

His mum is a different question. If she is very old and frail, he might want to see her every day in case it is her last. We are in that situation just now with MIL, and I don't begrudge my husband spending time with her. I go if I can, as I love her too.
It has meant no holiday this year, and limited what else we can do - no full days out etc - but sadly it won't be for long, so it's not a problem.

If, OTOH, she is relatively young, and he is going there for hours a day so she is getting his company and you aren't, it's different. I'd be inclined to suggest he visits on alternate days, but in the end it's up to him. I can just imagine the outcry on here if a DIL stopped sons visiting their mothers. If you don't like it (and I wouldn't in those circumstances) it's maybe time for an ultimatum?

But - it's easy to sit here thinking 'I would do XYZ' without needing to do it - this is your partner, and you need to decide how you'd feel if the relationship ended. What else are you getting out of it, and are you willing to forego those things?

We had always dreamed that one day we would live together.

Really? For 35 years and did nothing about it? Why?

Real life doesn’t match the dream, does it, especially when there’s an elderly parent who needs attention.

What would it matter if he did inherit after his mother’s death and returned to his flat? That’s how you conducted your affair for years.

It doesn’t sound like the three parties involved in this live very far away from one another. If you are nagging him about his attention to his mother, but he needs the rent on his flat as he no longer works, then he could move in with her. That would seem to be the most practical solution.

Thank you doodledog for your very astute answer. You are right it was never straight forward, I took the decision to stay with my huspand for the childrens sake, but as they got older and left home so my huspand got sicker. Dementia, he spent about 3 years in care... at this stage i looked after him more as a brother and as our children's dad. All your answers have made me realise that through all of this my now partner never asked me to marry or asked to move in with me or vice versa.
I think I am being used, although its a situation now that is hard to resolve... would I be sad if he went, selfishly yes, I love company and would be sad to be alone, Mentally and emotionally, I am sad because the man I thought loved me I feel is usingme. Thank you all

Jaxjacky

Lathyrus I believe he can give his tenant(s) 2 months notice if he wishes to move back to his main residence.

A landlord has to give the tenant four months notice of their intention to apply for a repossession order. Not four months notice to quit.

Then the landlord has to apply ti the Courts for repossession.

The Court may decide against the Landlord, particularly if he has a place to live and the tenant is likely ti find it difficult to rent an alternative or the tenants need is judged to be greater than that if the landlord,

F the Court does decide in the Landlord's favour then the tenant has right of Appeal which can take several months to be heard.

The tenant can still refuse to move and wait for bodily eviction.

The new legislation makes it a lengthy and expensive process to regain your home.

Sorry to hear you still feel “used”.

I’m sorry but you chose your life, you chose to stay with your husband but take a lover for 29 years.

He went into care for the last 3 years of his life leaving you completely free to do whatever you liked and the family home.

I think both you and your lover, whom you claim to love, have both used each other.

Thank you for having the courtesy to respond, it’s very honest of you.

But the fact that you don’t seem able to acknowledge that for 29 years you cheated on your husband, who I assume at some point was working and helping you to raise your children, is sad.

I do wish you the best, we cannot undo acts from our past. Though we can acknowledge perhaps we are not being entirely honest, even with ourselves.

But as you don’t like this situation, or him seeing his mother so much and feel he’s using you, only you have the power to change things.

Good luck

When you ask strangers who have no person connection for their opinions then they (we) will try to see things from both sides - although we only ever get to hear one side of the story and even that comes in dribs and drabs.

You haven’t mentioned whether this man had a wife and children of his own or has always been single. If it's the latter, maybe it was hard for him to have to sit this out for over 30 years while you prioritised your family. It seems rather churlish for you to be complaining now that he is giving attention to his ageing mother.

Just because you may end up living in separate homes again doesn’t mean the relationship has to end or that you will be alone. Unless you drive him away altogether by nagging about his mother then you will still have him in your llife plus you have your adult children and maybe even grandchildren. You won’t be alone.

No wonder there are fewer private landlords now Lathyrus.

Smileless2012

No wonder there are fewer private landlords now Lathyrus.

I think this was why people were concerned about the introduction of the Renter’s Rights Act.

Where we live, in the South East, there are still a good few properties available for privately renting.

The bigger issue is the cost combined with insecurity, even with the new act.

Many other European countries have more stringent laws around renting, giving tenants far more security than here.

I can see both sides d the coin, here are some very responsible landlords, and decent tenants, likewise some appalling tenants and some dreadful landlords.

We encouraged our children not to rent if they could avoid it, our oldest (my step-daughter) and our other two daughters, all heeded this advice and have (or will) have mortgaged properties whilst still in their twenties, both sons ignored us, one still lives at home, but older son chose to rent and live in different places, til he hit 40 when finally buying a house with his gf.

What I’d love to see a much more affordable housing to buy, more social housing and slightly better control on private rents.

Sadly, often those having to privately rent are those who can least afford it and though many will get some help from the government, it’s often not enough due to very outdated local housing allowances.