Feel I am being used.

Split all bills 50/50 including food bill, if own home and no mortgage then charge 50% of what his income from his rent is. As for his mum, well so many men don’t bother with their elderly parents, we see it on here all the time. Lucky mother I say! As long as you don’t have to look
After her. It sounds like
Your not happy and finding things wrong so
You can justify how your feeling???

Agree!

I’m sorry to say this and do not wish to upset you! But! I think you are being used, taken for granted and abused!! He sounds very selfish to me like a lot of men who want their cake and eat it! Moving in when he was sick was a disgraceful thing to do. If he cares so much for his mother he should have gone to live with her. They could have helped each other as it seems they do any way?
I think you should let him go!

SporeRB01

It is almost as if you were leading a double life. You were married but all along, you had an affair for 29 years and presumably your husband did not know.

Now you are living with your partner, the scales have fallen from your eyes. You are seeing him for the person he is – a user and a taker.

It’s so interesting how many of you see the “lover” as a user and taker?

He’s certainly go staying power.

i think you have to have a clear conversation; either he starts treating you like an equal not an unpaid skivvy or he has to leave

It is almost as if you were leading a double life. You were married but all along, you had an affair for 29 years and presumably your husband did not know.

Now you are living with your partner, the scales have fallen from your eyes. You are seeing him for the person he is – a user and a taker.

To be fair to them both, OP did say he pays a “little rent” and they share food (I’m assuming she means cost of food) and that it was both their decisions for him to live with her and rent out his home.

Perhaps at this point they should also have discussed exactly how this should work?

Also it’s hard to know what’s going on without know a little more?

Does she still go to work or now getting her pension, is he now getting a pension, do they both own their properties or rent or have mortgages? How old and unwell is his mother?

I think if we knew all of this, advice would be much easier to give.

I do hope they can work out something which is fair for both of them

I have no sympathy for people who have ‘affairs’ - having their cake and eating it too , comes to mind. Your poor husband ……

kick the bar stewrd out.

Why does he call the place he rents out “ home”?
Why does he have this address as residence for important stuff like passport office, banks etc?
Surely the residents in the property he rents to them think it’s odd?
Unless he knows them.. perhaps it’s a cash arrangement?

Nobody can be that thick.You know the answer.

Nurse with a purse

Sorry my replies have doubled up, as I've just properly signed in.. and didn't the first time so assumed they wouldn't show up..

You don't mention whether you are still working, if not does that mean you’re living off your pension and or your savings..You say he pays you a “little rent” but, does he pay you the same amount he’s getting from his tenant that he is renting his flat to…Also does he go halves with the bills e.g. gas, electricity, and water….How about the weekly food shop, do you pay all of that..I think if you sit down and see how many times you realise its a No he doesn't, that will give you your answer..And the fact he’s apparently never offered, I feel doesn't bode well for your future with him..
..

Why not ask him to marry you? That tests his commitment and means you are entitled to half of his legacy from his mum. You also have company.
Failing that plan, either ask for more or ask him to leave. It sounds like he feels this is just a holding situation and he’s living ‘his best life’.

Just wondering as you never mentioned it - do you still go out to work every day or are you living off your pension ..

He doesn’t sound like a very nice man..does he ever offer to pay your grocery bill for instance - how about gas and electricity, and water bills.. Does he assume that the “little rent” he gives you covers all of these things …Also bearing in mind he’s getting rent from his flat.. is the amount he gets from his tenant, the same amount he pays you…if not he’s on a nice little earner as they say..

Forget the judgements about previous actions and settle the current problem.
Tell the man that you want him out, you feel used, you're no longer happy with the situation and you're not willing to carry on this way. Give him maybe 2 /3 mths notice and if he can't get back into his flat then he can either live with his mother or make other arrangements. If you have to, then you can always tell him you'll be changing the locks on a certain date. Problem solved.

Nanafish, yes you are being used. He is getting away lightly in regards to household expenses. If you split up because he won't contribute his fair share, then you don't need to be lonely or alone, you can always meet new people, make new friends etc. I think he is a selfish user.

Ithink the above comments are right. You reap what you sow.

nanafish

Thank you doodledog for your very astute answer. You are right it was never straight forward, I took the decision to stay with my huspand for the childrens sake, but as they got older and left home so my huspand got sicker. Dementia, he spent about 3 years in care... at this stage i looked after him more as a brother and as our children's dad. All your answers have made me realise that through all of this my now partner never asked me to marry or asked to move in with me or vice versa.
I think I am being used, although its a situation now that is hard to resolve... would I be sad if he went, selfishly yes, I love company and would be sad to be alone, Mentally and emotionally, I am sad because the man I thought loved me I feel is usingme. Thank you all

You have obviously built your present life around this man, it might be that any friends you did have made themselves absent because they didn’t agree with your living arrangements, or perhaps you had no close friends.
Seemingly, you have now recognised that he is, very conveniently for him, bunked up with you and is paying a pittance towards your household upkeep.
If he is not on the deeds to your proper you can ask him to bugger off and live with his mother whilst still allowing his tenant to live in the rental…..yes, you’ll be alone but you will be free of this scrounging FWB.

We don’t know what the OP is getting out of the relationship though. She’s said she likes the company, and that’s a huge thing, but there could be more to it than that.

I think the financial situation could be fairer, but only she can list the pros and cons of his staying or going. Often something that seems clear cut to observers is far from that to those involved. If my husband left, I would miss things that nobody else would even think about. It’s not just the obvious things that make a difference, is it?

He's got things arranged nicely - wholely to his benefit.

Yes, you are being comprehensively used. Everyone around you appears to be getting what they want. And you?

You'll run yourself into the ground at this rate.........

In my experience, when I feel used, it's because there's some sort of imbalance in the relationship. Is he contributing fairly to the home and finances? Supporting you as you support him?

Also, since it started with an affair, the thing about affairs is that they are a bit sparkly because they don't involve the day to day boring stuff like paying bills, housework, caring for elderly parents, etc. You now have all those normal every day things, so maybe the shine has come off a bit?

Doodledog it’s all good