Expectations of grandparents

I am sorry you are feeling like your daughter doesn't appreciate your support - which sound to have been an incredible amount.

This Tik Tok gran seems to be quite a controversial figure but as others have said, these people have to know how to get views and often saying things that will be divisive is a good way to get engagement. A strange world to live in. Here is an article about her:
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/grandparent-responsibility-grandkid-relationships-tiktok_uk_69f36172e4b058c24a535800

I wonder if you're able to find a reason to be unavailable for a week. A holiday, visit to friends, etc. Maybe when your help is not available for a short period the amount you do will become clear.

Cut her off, she's deplorable

jenpax I am sorry to hear how you have been treated. I wanted to add my agreement to the advice given by ShropshireGal.
Rather than a big discussion, a gentle amount of unavoidable unavailability, in terms of time - " I can't do Tuesday because of x , but can do Wednesday", instead of constant attention.
" Here's X towards your electricity bill", rather than paying the bill.
And, having seen the clip.of the other grandmother , I was astonished to hear her declare that one should never say that the grandchildren are the responsibility of the parents- how extraordinary: of course their children are their responsibility - who else?
I wonder ( a little unkindly) if her sons in law, or daughters in law were simultaneously posting on Mumsnet about their over - involved mother in law...

The perfect granny on tik tok is not real, she gets her self esteem from people (strangers) "liking her". That in itself is pathetic! Why so many young mums listen to her is because they are inadequate and entitled and it's their validation for expecting their own mums to take the work and responsibility off them. Don't be bullied by your daughter into thinking these perfect grannies are the norm. They are not. We have done our bit, brought our own children up, struggled with work, money and difficult children. Now it's her turn. She should be grateful for all you have done for her and stop acting like a selfish, entitled child. Will she be the perfect granny in the future? I doubt it.

Are we sure the 'Granny Helen' video wasn't being ironic . . . ? Just a thought.

ShropshireGal87

I am sorry you are feeling like your daughter doesn't appreciate your support - which sound to have been an incredible amount.

This Tik Tok gran seems to be quite a controversial figure but as others have said, these people have to know how to get views and often saying things that will be divisive is a good way to get engagement. A strange world to live in. Here is an article about her:
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/grandparent-responsibility-grandkid-relationships-tiktok_uk_69f36172e4b058c24a535800

I wonder if you're able to find a reason to be unavailable for a week. A holiday, visit to friends, etc. Maybe when your help is not available for a short period the amount you do will become clear.

I read the article (thanks for the link) the article appeared to miss other comment she has made that I take issue with! the whole drop everything whenever your children want something narrative and the underlying opinion that your life matters less and has less value. I absolutely think we should help when we can but it is not our responsibility to do so its an extra and does not replace the underlying parental responsibilities. The article seem to focus narrowly on who should be instigating Contact with the grandchildren which is not really the issue of most of her videos

I think it is time your daughter learned to stand on her own 2 feet. You need to think about yourself more and refuse to give in to her.
You deserve respect and she needs to understand that what she is doing is wrong.
Believing everything on tic tock makes me think she must still believe in fairies.
you have done more than many would.
Tell her straight no respect No Help.
She should take a long hard look at herself as she is a selfish person who is treating you like a money bank and unpaid childcarer.
Take yourself off on holiday anywhere just go and let her sort herself out.

How selfish of your daughter, did you spoil her? I wouldn't give my career up for anyone. I only have one life I am not here to bring grandchildren up, it was her decision to have them did she ask your permission? Stop running after her she's an adult and time she acted like one.

“Did you spoil her”

Classic victim blaming. Adults are responsible for their own behaviour

monami

Cut her off, she's deplorable

Dear me!

I understand where you are coming from. I also feel taken for granted. I am never shown any appreciation in all I have done, in the 8 years looking after my grandchild 3 times a week.
I am the paternal grandmother.

But I bite my tongue ..... Why? Because I know if I fell out with my son I would never see him or my grandchild again.

I also wonder if I will see much of either of them when my grandchild goes off to Comprehensive School anyway.

Yet my daughter who has no children, respects me & shows her appreciation on any help I give her.

Perhaps, when asked to do or give say 'No thank you' every other time she makes a demand to your money or time? Slowly pull back.

Orchid60

I’m afraid that being taken for granted by our children to look after their children and give up some of our retirement time is something that this generation expects from us. I won’t say all my children are doing this but I have one that thinks a job, marriage, mortgage and 2 young children is a fashion accessory. They want it all but on their terms. They still want their nights out, they still want their hobbies but we have to stop for them.
They only seem to contact us when they want something. We’re suppose to drop any of our plans to accommodate them and they assume when we visit we bring gifts and pay for the takeaway because they do not know or want to cook a decent meal. I didn’t go back to work when I had mine, I stayed with them at home till they went to school and they had a proper meal everyday. We didn’t have a lot of money but we managed. Unfortunately my son married someone who didn’t get the same qualities offered to them and I dread the visits. I feel sorry for my grandchildren because anything I try to show them only happens with me. When they’re at home, there’s no structure, just a mess to live within.

I absolutely agree, this young generation seems to have utter entitlement to ongoing babysitting, nights out and think nothing of hightailing on holidays abroad leaving the children behind with "Granny". I don't agree with these new ways at all.

If either of my children even began to try to treat me like this. They would be out on their ear. If people have children it is up to them to look after them As for the quite despicable emotional blackmail she uses on you. Well, words fail me.

But, if she is acting like this it must have had a start point and the question is, Why did you not shut it down the moment this behaviour raised its ugly head. It has got to the point it has now because you let it. You have enabled her behaviour from start to finish

You are now in the very hard and difficult position of having to tell your daughter that enough is not just enough, it is far too much and you are phasing out all support for her. She must manage, as many another single parent does. Stop any financial help immediately. and tail off the physical help. When she rings to harangue you. Put the phone down. If she threatens you with estrangement let her get on with it.

You say this post is about these TikTok stuff about what a grandmothers do, but it isn't, it is about your domestic problems disguised to be a Tik Tok problem. The vast majority of mothers of young children would be disgusted by them.

The reason you posted is because despite the advice given in a previous thread you are still looking for a solution that will not involve you in any hassle with your daughter, one where all your problems miraculous disappear over night. That solution does not exist. The solution lies with you and only you.

jenpax

I was sounding off about the tik tok videos not really seeking opinions of my situation

Poor Jenpax wasn’t asking for ‘opinions of her situation’, but that’s what she got! She said at the beginning that she had posted before, so was maybe just looking for a wee bit of online support?
I hope she’s heeded the replies which did address the TikTok video, and said that that granny ( if she even is a granny) has one aim, and that’s to get views and followers, so is best ignored!
I expect

Sorry, posted too soon!
I expect she is now flogging ‘ideal Ch*is#mas gifts’ on the TikTok shop!

You say you're not allowed to say anything and have just got to suck it up . You do realise relationships are 2 way!? Say the same back if thats an acceptable thing to say in your relationship with each other. If you don't think that's an acceptable thing to say tell her that stating you will not tolerate being spoken to in that way.

BOUNDARIES- I agree with earlier poster.

1) you are a responsible adult- decide what standard of grand parenting and time and financial commitment you are able to offer your daughter and inform her. You are responsible for your own choices.
2) Suggest to your daughter she makes a claim to Child Maintenance Service Gov.uk to claim financial support from the father of her children
3) If the children have health needs ensure they have a health assessment and a social worker assessment to identify support needs, educational needs (SEND?) and support services available and any potential £benefits that may be possible to claim
4) If your daughter does not work she is available full time to care for her own children. If she is unable to cope she needs to inform her GP and SW accordingly. It is not your responsibility to become a second parent or carer to your daughter. If you feel you have become a carer ensure you have your own carer assessment completed and whether entitlement to Carers Allowance. You would be doing your daughter a favour to acknowledge her lack of ability to cope with her children and seek all the assistance and support that may be available as a result.
5) The grandmother in the Tik Tok video has pumped up filled lips, appears to have had facial botox, has hair colour, full make up and maybe even a face lift as her face looks somewhat plastic. Not a look I aspire to but the point being she takes time and spends money to look after her own needs and appearance as well as being a grandmother. Tell your daughter you are taking her advice to "look after your appearance". Book yourself a massage, relaxing spa da, manicure, new haircut, and few new clothes and take some time out to relax and care for yourself. This will demonstrate to your daughter that you value yourself!. If you don't value and respect yourself your daughter won't either!

The fact the Tik Tok video has upset you shows how defensive and vulnerable you have become. Seek your own support through your GP if the situation is damaging your health and well being. If you have the resilience and feel able- take the tough love steps outlined above. Do you have a friend or relative who can help and support you during your tough love steps towards your own recovery?

There are many Tik Tok videos out there also of Trad Wives, looking glamorous, baking cakes and making jam, looking after multiple children seemingly unaided. Send one to your daughter with a smile saying how you can't believe everything you see online these days and not everyone lives a charmed life in reality. Wonder allowed with how much money does she think the posters make out of their tin Tok videos/ what's true and make believe etc. I.e talk about them together rather than react emotionally to them.

You and your daughter live in this world, not their world. It's possible to change the current situation with some adjustments on both sides. Your life- your choice.

Take care and good luck.

I’m sorry to say this, but you’ve “chosen” to do this.

My own dear parents, whilst generous with both their time and cash, would simply say “no” if I asked them to do something they didn’t feel they could, or wanted, to do.

My DM would never have given up her little part time work to look after my children so I could work.

Her view was, I chose to have four children, that they were my children and she’d love to see them, spend time with them, treat them to nice things, BUT she had a life too.

I had no issue with this.

One the things Tic tok gran said was that the offers/help were so apreciated so she is coming from a viewpoint of a loving and considerate relationship with her son or daughter.
If there is manipulation on either side then TT gran's sentiments won't apply.
I personally find it totally normal to suggest or ask for help.

This granny has many tik tok videos- find the one titled 'the summer holidays are over- were you involved"

She talks about involvement of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives. She says children don't expect hours and hours of support from grandparents just want them to be involved in the grand children's lives. She talks about entitlement that can emerge and how to have conversations to address and nip it in the bud so that there is healthy involvement of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives that can be organised to work for all.

Context is all, boundaries and entitlement issues to be addressed The situation you describe with your daughter has gone way beyond appropriately being involved for a few hours here and there in your grandchildren's lives and support 'at times of emergency'. You describe yourself more or less as the prime parental care giver to your grandchildren. You tell us you have given your daughter most of your life savings can you see your daughter has an entitlement problem?

This is not healthy for any of you and not usual. Boundaries are broken. You either want to maintain status quo or seek change. Tik Tok videos are not your problem your situation is the problem. Send your daughter other Tik Tok videos of the same woman to balance it out......

The acceptable standard from this Tik Tok woman your daughter has promoted to you is healthy involvement now to plan for to help you get back your health, time and well being.

I do agree with Missadventure. Perhaps it is a generational thing. Social media seems to be fuelling bad behaviour. What a shame. You sound like you need a holiday, or a break at least.

That sounds exhausting and hurtful. Loving your grandchildren doesn’t make daily childcare an automatic duty, and you’re allowed to protect your health, time and pension. It may help to decide what you can genuinely offer and say it plainly—fixed days and hours, reasonable notice, and no last-minute emergencies unless you choose. Ask the school office about after-school clubs or holiday schemes, and check your local council’s family information service for childcare support. Putting arrangements and any costs in writing can take some heat out of family conversations. Support should be mutual, not something you’re quietly expected to provide forever.